I am wonderful

I've been feeling down lately. really down.  Ya know how it goes ... nothing is going right, the world is against you ... why me poor me ... yah the whole nine yards.  I talked to my sister in law and she told me to call her Pastor which I did.  That was about a week ago and today he called me.  Kinda odd that he called me today because today the rain turned into a storm and I needed to talk to someone.

I can't say that he made me feel better because he didn't.  He didn't say woe is you and that everything will be okay.  He listened to me as I told him why I felt disconnected from God and why I didn't trust to just hand over everything to someone that gives so much to people that could care less while I try to be a good person and do the right thing and things just keep getting worst and worst for me.  I wasn't trying to play the victim here, I really don't understand it.  I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders and I WANT to hand it over to Him .. I WANT to say here - have at it! ... but I can't.  I'm just not there yet I guess.

He made me realize that pretty much all my life I have been rejected in one way or another.  I was changing my sister's diapers at the age of 2 because my parents wanted to go and party instead of be home with us.  Rejected.  That I met my dad when I was older and he chose his girlfriend over me.  Rejected.  How my oldest daughter's biological father wanted the attention and hung himself to get it.  Not really rejected but rather scarred because before all of this he had to beat the crap out of me to make sure that I stayed in my place I guess.  My ex husband would rather drink than love me and his family. Rejected.  And now I am where I don't necessarily really like people, I would rather be at home with just me because who can hurt me if I'm at home?  Brian is amazing but I can't take a compliment and don't feel worthy of that love which is probably why I kick him out everytime we get into an argument.  So if I don't feel worthy of anyone how in the world could I feel worthy of God?  I mean its GOD.  And after all this rejection how can I possibly trust anyone to do anything for me ... especially take the world off of my shoulders?  How could I do that?  I've tried .. I've said the words but I still wake with the same burdens and so I figure okay.  Okay.  I get it.  Its just me against the world.  And I was okay with that.  But then it all became too much.  Way too much and I turned to Him and I asked why he wasn't there?  WHY AREN'T YOU HERE GUIDING ME AND HELPING ME???  I need someone and He is supposed to be there unconditionally .... forever, no matter what.  He would not reject me ... but yet while my world is falling apart all around me I still feel alone.  Pastor Doug told me no.  That He was there.  That He has been there the whole time, its just that I didn't hear Him.  I didn't hear Him because I have been programmed since I was a little girl that the only voice I hear is that you're not worthy.  You're not enough.  You'll never be enough.  And well we know who that is ... and well I don't want to hear that voice anymore.  So how do I get there I asked.  How do i let go enough to trust Him, to let things go ... to build the intimate relationship that I want so badly.

Pastor Doug made so much sense to me and he didn't look down on me and make me feel bad about myself.  He reminded me that yes, He loves me.  That yes, I am worthy.  He reminded me that He knows me better than anyone else.  He created me.  He knows me from the inside out.  No one knows me better.  And better yet He loves me.

Now I didn't walk away having what I have sought for so long .. it doesn't happen like that.  Pastor Doug told me that it will take time and that I need to turn to my Bible and become a part of a family, so to speak.  I'm not sure how he worded it ... but suggested that I go to growth groups so I can relate to people and become a part of them.  Told me about the youth group there for the kids.  I know I need to do this and its not even about need ... I mean heck I "need" to go to work everyday ... this is something that I want.  I want this relationship very badly and I am willing to work for it.  I don't know how to start but Pastor Doug told me baby steps and I can do that.  He told me to keep reminding myself how wonderful I am and although it was hard for me, he had me say it before I left.  I am wonderful.

I am wonderful.  He told me that when I get the haters in my ears just tell myself that I am wonderful.  That I was fearfully and abundantly made.  I am wonderful.  God doesn't make mistakes.

And ya know what?  I think I am wonderful ... today at least.  right now.  And hopefully my baby step into this new relationship will make me know how wonderful I am ... and that I am worthy of His love, of Brian's love ... of my own self love.

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

*sigh*

I am not perfect. I have never thought of myself as perfect. I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make them ... hopefully not the same ones but I will still make mistakes.  I have three great children.  One of them happen to be a bit more of a handful than I ever thought could be possible, but then when do parents sit and tell you about their children's faults? I always want to brag about my kids ... even the troublemaker, I do not want to ever tell you or anyone that there are some days I just want to give up and other days that I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  I have prayed. I have read books. I have gone to counseling. I have joined sites on the internet for support. But yet, I continue to struggle with her and the worst that it gets the more that I feel I have failed.  Not as a parent but her.  I feel that I have failed her.  Life is tough. We all know it and I know that she has had plenty to deal with .. the thing I guess is, is that everyone deals with things differently.  She doesn't do so well.  Sometimes I wonder if I had a stronger hand growing up if I would've been like her.  I was coddled, spoiled and my mistakes were always kinda grazed over and instead of learning from them I was kinda taught to forget them.  My grandmother is a great person and as I have said before she is my best friend, but confrontation is something that she doesn't do.  If she feels you are doing wrong or disagrees with you she doesn't tend to express it.  She might tell someone else, but she doesn't ever tell you.  So maybe I'm missing something.  Maybe something was wrong as I grew up that I needed to learn and I didn't ... maybe that is why I am a failure for my daughter.  Maybe its because growing up I had it all and didn't know struggle and didn't know broken families.  I don't know.  I don't know what she is dealing with.  I wish I did.  I wish I knew so that maybe I could help her more than I am.  I wish I could take away all of her hurt and the voices in her head and the struggle that she has.  I really do, but I can't.  And I can't fix it either and that is probably the worst part.  I AM HER MOTHER! I am supposed to fix everything.  I am supposed to make everything better and put a band aid on, sing a song and she is supposed to be okay and that is not what is happening.  Its not what is happening and I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do about it. NO IDEA. I am lost and broken all at once and not because of what I have to deal with, but because I don't know what to do for her.

never giving up

One day I'll figure it out. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I will. One thing I know is that I wont give up. I wont give up on her, not now, not ever.  I feel for her. I can't really imagine what she is going through but then I kinda feel for me because of what she is putting me through. Putting me and my family through. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I want to fix this. I want everything to just be okay and go on with our days without something new coming up, but that's just not going to happen.  I've done this for so long with her I thought that I would have this down pat by now but yet I feel like I'm not even close.

When its come to her I've always felt alone.  I always felt that I was the only one that could really understand her but then there's more days than not that I'm like what the heck is she doing and why?  I always question what I have done to make her hate me ... what I have done to make her make so many cruel things up about me, but I know its not me.  I'm a good mom.  I know that I am.  When I was married I was supposed to have a partner in this. I was supposed to have someone to turn to on my dark days when I was trying to be strong for her.  Because wow is it hard to be strong for her ... but then one day he told me that he couldn't do it with her anymore and that I was on my own.  Of course it upset me and I was like how can her own dad just give up on her?  And then it was like dominoes.  Everyone started giving up on her.  No one wanted her around, she was blamed for everything, she was banned from people's homes ... but I stood beside her.  She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally ... I will be there to catch her when she falls.  I might let her scrape her knees a few times so she will learn but I will never leave her ... I will never give up on her like so many have.

I realize that she brings this on herself, I know that she needs more than most teens her age.  I'm trying but its a long road and I'm so scared that I'm going to run out of time.  

So she runs away.  I shut down.  Where is my daughter? I miss her .. I am worried .. I just want her home.  She has huge consequences that she has to face but I am still there, right next to her.  My rock was my husband, her step dad.  But now ... now he has given up on her too.  So again, I feel alone.

I don't and won't ever justify her actions and she will always pay the price .. but she is my daughter and I will always love her and I will continue to show her the right way and just hope and just pray that she will follow the right path.

I hope she realizes how much I love her and how deep my love for her really is.  I hope that she knows that my hand is always here for her to hold and that if she wants to lay with me and cuddle and cry that its okay and I'll be there for that too.  I tell her.  She is too big for that though.

I guess its just me and her against the world.  That's okay.  I'll figure this out.  I will be strong for her.  She will be a wonderful woman and be successful ... but I just wonder who is going to be strong for me.  On the outside I can conquer and do anything but behind closed doors I am nothing but a mess.  And when the going gets tough as it will ... I will do everything I possibly can for her and I will be her backbone if she needs me to be and I will teach her the lessons that she needs to be taught and then I will be there to hug her when she feels the guilt and remorse.  But when I am done consoling her and she has that beautiful smile on her face, who is going to help me put my pieces back together ... 

I'm so sorry that everyone has given up on her ... I'm not sure that I blame them although I don't understand how you would do that to someone that you love.  Alyssa is such a great person, she really is.  She has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in one person, the smile that will make you want to talk to her, beauty that is stunning and a personality that makes you smile and that's the Alyssa that I'm going to make sure everyone knows. That's the Alyssa that I know everyone loves.  The other part of her is the one that we're going to work on.  She is troubled. She needs me.  But I still love her even when shes troubled ... I will never give up on her and shame on those that have because eventually she will be okay and I will be proud of her and she will should be proud of herself.  

Lord watch over my daughter and take her fears away, calm her thoughts and let her know how much she is loved.  I know that You are perfect Lord and that You will help us get through anything.  Show Yourself into Alyssa's heart and show her how wonderful Your love is.  Amen.

I like to control things and it's not because I want to, it's because it's what I've always been expected to do.  I want people to tell me for once how things are going to go believe it or not, but because I have always been in control for so long it's hard to let go of that role.  After so long it defines you and to let go of that is a bit scary because then what role do I play in people's lives.  The controlling is as little as deciding what we're going to have for dinner to as big as what bills will be paid from what paycheck ... its not great to have everything on your shoulders and then those people resent you for having all the control but yet they want to take none on themselves.

I am a very anxious person and anything that is out of my element or comfort zone is a big deal to me, so letting go of any kind of control is huge.  I want it but it causes a great deal of anxiety.  I need to know that its all going smooth and if I don't do it or I'm not the one that's in the forefront, how do I know that's its getting done the way that it's supposed to.  Not necessary "my" way ... but in a successful way.

This past week I let go of the grocery shopping for the first time in almost 20 years.  I am still getting anxiety from it.  I think that the money was overspent and that it could've been done in a more economical way.  I looked at the receipt and everything that was on there we needed, and we haven't had to go to the grocery store to buy anything for dinners because well he achieved that.  He bought things we needed for the cupboards and things for dinner but because I didn't do it I am still anxious over it.  I even made the grocery list so I had something to do with it.  Although he did go off of the list a little, he still did a great job.  But I'm not sure I can do it again.

The thing is, is that I need to let this go and I'm not sure how.  I'm always saying that I need more off of my plate but when the slack is picked up I freak out.  I don't know if I need the chaos or if I'm just so used to it that I don't know what to do without it.

Something I need to ponder I suppose.  Something to bring up to the counselor.

He thinks that I am trying to control him.  Trying to run his life. That's not what its about though, I just don't think that his decisions are thought through and I don't believe that I should be put on the back burner when it comes to deciding if he should be with me or a friend.  That is not being controlling .... I don't think.

How do you stand back and let people make bad decisions when they're your husband or your're children or just simply people that you love?  How do you do that and especially when ultimately those decisions can effect you and/or your family?  I can't.  I'm supposed to because .... well there's some things you can't control no matter how hard you try.

I was watching Joel Osteen the other night and he was talking about people that talk bad about you basically.  That you should learn to ignore them.  A bit easier said than done.  But a lesson nonetheless.  Something to think about and something to work on.  I am trying and I know that with each day it will get easier.  But I've noticed that it doesn't stop with just me.  You don't realize that things like that effect pretty much everyone that you know but I learned today that its effecting the kids.  All three of them and the conflict is that its with family members.  I know that kids have "drama" and its expected with their ages but this is with family and well it kinda upsets me.  But it makes me realize that in order for them to be able to overlook what people say that I have to set the example, which makes my lesson a bit accelerated.  I need to lead by example.

Anthony hasnt gone to his dad's house in about a month.  The thing with Anthony is that he is different.  He doesnt have many friends and he is more than fine with that.  I encourage socialization but his idea of socialization is talking to some kids on his way home from the bus stop.  He doesn't want to invite anyone over and he doesn't always want to seek someone else to play with outside either.  Now he does play with other children but its not often.  He is definitely not a social butterfly but he is a happy kid and as long he is happy I see no reason to encourage change.  The reason that he has not gone to his dad's house is because his grandmother has apparently been making comments to him about eating at the house and drinking pop, etc. and although these things aren't true it bothers him that she says these things.  Brittney and Anthony are very close so I brought her into the conversation and explained to her what his reasons were and she put on her little 17 yr old attitude and was like well she can say whatever she wants but dad buys the food so I don't care what she says.  I replied that he does though.  She said, well just ignore her.  So I looked at her and said, you know how your sister says things to you and I tell you to ignore her and you say you can't, which she agreed.  Well same thing.  Brittney no longer had an answer for him.  Neither did I.

So in order to get the answer I need to reflect.  I need to figure it out so that I can teach my children that some things people say to you just need to be overlooked.  If they see these things bother me, they will be bothered as well.

Lesson in the making.

I'm not even sure what I'm writing about tonight.  My heart is heavy.  A family member who I have always considered to be my best friend who I would do anything in the world for has disappointed me.  Now I know life is just full of disappointments, its come to light recently that she has disappointed me for a very long time.  I have confided so many things in her about my family, my life, some personal and some not so much.  But she has shared these confidences with pretty much everyone who would listen.  I've heard people from the grapevine say things like this about her and for some reason I just thought I was different.  I mean she WAS my best friend.  Why wouldn't I think I was different.  And when she gossiped to me about other people I once again thought I was immune to that as well.  Recently it was one of my children that was attacked. Alyssa to be specific - I'll use her name - about some things that came up missing.  Now of course, whether you're my best friend or not I'm coming to the defense of my child, but only if I feel that the person is wrong. My daughter has been guilty of many things and wow has she given me a ride for the most part, so I'm pretty open-minded about things when it comes to her.  However, when I KNOW and I am adamant that she is innocent, a very strong mind and opinion will be made by me.  But I don't think it was as much as the statement was made that she did the wrongdoing, it was that she told everyone about it.  Everyone.  So now many 15 year old daughter has been tainted in the eyes of many.  She will never overcome that, it will live with her forever....she has now been labeled and its not fair.  She is a child.


I was raised by my grandparents and I have put them along with every one of my aunts and uncles on a pedestal.  I have accepted every one of them with all of their faults so I can have a relationship with them, but now they have come to judge me based on things they know nothing about.  Based on things that they have heard.  They didn't come to me, they don't even know me.  I don't get phone calls asking me how I am or how my family is doing because they think they already know.  They listen to everyone else and base that knowledge on those conversations .. none of which I am involved in.  And then because of who I am, I become defensive and want them to hear me.  I want them to hear my side and make them understand ... but they don't.  They don't want to hear it because their source is reliable.  A few months ago I would've considered their source just as reliable.


So I met a man a little over a year ago who made my heart soar.  He is everything to me.  He treats me with more respect than I think I have ever gotten.  So now I hear that it is being said within the family, of course, that he doesn't work.  It makes me wonder ... if he doesn't work then where in the world is he going every night? What is he doing to get that paycheck directly deposited into our account every week? How in the world did he afford to buy me gifts or my kids gifts?  


So for me this is heartbreaking because someone that I love so much and once respected has betrayed me.  Not only have lies been told of me but my personal things have been repeated.  I have always said that you shouldn't tell people things if you don't want them repeated...but I think there is a pretty basic rule there and you should be able to weed out the things that you know shouldn't be repeated.


Another family member verbally attacked me last year.  She called me many names and threw things out that were completely untrue and I sat there very calmly and just kept repeating, you don't know what you're talking about.  But after thinking about this for some time, I realize that she was saying things that she believed was true.  She believed them because of her reliable source.


I still believe that love is unconditional.  I love this person more than anything and I will still do anything for her, but I do it with a heavy heart.  


So tonight I am praying.  I am praying to see where God wants me to go.  What He thinks I should do from here.  Because I no longer feel that this is the place for me.  I was once surrounded by family that loved me and now they've all abandoned me.


I write this through tears because so many people that I have thought so much of and I have defended through gritted teeth would not have done the same for me.  They've shown to me their true colors and it makes me so sad.  More sad than I have felt in a long time.  I am scared to lose people before I am ready to lose them because I want this worked out, but its not going to happen soon.  And if I leave.  If I move far away no one would care.  I'm not playing victim here ... I stay here in Ohio because of my family ... but what family?


I thought when Brian and I got together that I had a new family so to speak.  And I do love all of them ... but for some reason they keep me at arms length.  I don't know why and I'm not sure if I care.  I just love everyone so hard and maybe I'm naive and I should be more alert first.  I don't know.  My birthday just came and none of my family ... in-laws or immediate even wished me a happy birthday.  Not one could take time out of their schedule to text me, call me or write on the infamous facebook wall. It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  I know its just a birthday, but a small gesture would've been nice.  Just a little one.  I thanked every single person that wished me a happy birthday personally because I figured if they could take time out of their day to say it, I could take time out of mine to thank them.  I felt good doing that.  Just to acknowledge that I know they remembered me on my day.


I still love my family.  I always will.  There are some that I have much more respect for than others but I still love them.  But I no longer like most of them.  I don't like being talked about and moreso I don't like being lied about.  


I guess what my biggest problem is, is that I feel alone.  Abandoned.  I can't even say that I don't have anything to be sorry for, because no one has told me ... came to me ... and talked to me about anything.


I know what the truth is.  I know firsthand what has happened in my life, so I guess the best person to get that answer from would be me.  


So tonight I am praying and hoping that He will show me what my next adventure should be for my family.  For the four of us... because no one else matters anymore.  Not on his side. Not on my side. What keeps us here?  Phone calls to party? Phone calls to come and fix things?  No one calls just to say hey.  No one calls just to see how everyone is doing ... in fact no one even asks when we see them.  So what has this done?  It has pushed us away ... perhaps 9 hours away.  But who knows.  Who knows what He tells us do.


I have everything I need and everyone I want right here with me ... in my home.  I thought I had more once. I guess I'm just more sorry that I have been wrote off in some people's lives for no reason ... and kept at an arms length by others for no reason.  


But it is what it is right? Thats life.  Just take it and roll with it.  

Its been a little while since my last post.  I think my blogs are therapeutic ... for me at least so when I don't blog its a good thing.  Brian is working nights right now.  I'm proud of him.  He has overcome a lot of things and he is proving that his statement to me that he just wants to take care of us and the kids is a sincere one.  Not that I don't think he's sincere, I KNOW he wants to take care of us just like I know that he loves all of us but saying it and doing it are two very different things.  We were supposed to have been married already.  April 28 came and went.  It was a bit chilly that day and I thought that it was a good thing because we were supposed to get married outside.  Getting married is definitely an expense, but we can do it inexpensively.  Try to at least.  But I told him that I can't marry him until he has a steady job, health insurance and bills are caught up.  The first two things are just part of life and you need to accomplish those things before you're supposed to go to the next step.  Not everyone does. I understand this and I don't judge.  But I'm at a point in my life where all my ducks have to be in a row before I can make those kinds of decisions.  He is doing great though and I really can't wait to be his wife.  Always and forever.

Working nights though is a definite adjustment for everyone involved.  He loses a lot of sleep, the kids have to be quiet when they're not used to being aware of how loud one can sound when running across the floor, cleaning can only be done in increments ... thats when its done at least.  He does a lot around here, well he did. I have a very bad back and can't do much of anything unless I take constant breaks.  It will get done, but what you can do in 20 minutes will take me about 2 hours.  I manage though and I try very hard.  The kids do some things if I get on them, but I hate the conflict when I try to explain to them that we want our house to look nice and chores are part of being a family unit I just get looked at like I just spoke Chinese.  So I just do it.  Without Brian's help its a lot more to do.  I'm feeling it lately.

Brian and I were used to being together all the time.  No matter where we went, we went together.  When I'm not with him people ask where he is and tell me how different I look without my shadow lol ... we truly love each other's company, so sorry if you don't like your significant other as much as I do.  I hate that when I get home from work he's sleeping and then I just want to talk about my day .. I hate that when he gets home from work I kiss him real quick and then leave for work.  I love that we still get to have dinner as a family .. I love that I get some down time and time for studying.  But its still an adjustment.

Change can be good but I'm still trying to figure out if this change is or not.

I don't think its effecting him the way that it effects me.  I miss him crazy when he's gone but when he's home he's either sleeping or playing with his guitar or out in the shed.  I lay with him when he is sleeping just to lay there for a few ... I want to spend as much time together as we can.  Not every waking moment, I get that he needs time for himself and his family, but it just seems that I'm not as interesting I guess.  I'll chalk it up to his lack of sleep.

I'll figure it out.  We'll figure it out.  Things will be okay and we will go on and be madly in love with each other like we always have been.  Just an adjustment period... thats all

Too young to go

Are we ever ready for our kids to leave? To move out and be on their own? I know that I personally have said so many times, can't wait until they're grown and move out.  I mean we raise them and teach them to do right and make good decisions but when that day comes ... when they're a "grown up" and they're ready, are you?

I'm not.  Not even a little.  I guess one might say that I am obsessed with my children.  I want to be home with them whenever they're home, my youngest is 12 and I still do anything and everything for him when he asks.  I want to do these things ... I don't want to let go.  How do you let go? I mean he's my baby.  He's what I have ... the last one to take care of I guess.

So my oldest turns 18 and she leaves.  Just leaves.  I take this kind of personally.  She is my everything.  They're all my everything and now I've lost part of my little group ... my little family.  I'm one down and it hurts so bad.  It tears me up inside. I know I've done good with her .... I know that I've taught her everything that I can teach her but I still don't feel that she's ready to do it herself.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I will be surprised and she will do many more things that I didn't think she would be able to do at a young age.  I hope I am.  But it still will never settle my heart that she left me too soon.

I pride myself on worrying about my kids and I have busted my tush to make sure that they're taken care of.  I've stuck up for them when I needed to ... cuddled them when they needed cuddled and probably when they didn't ... took care of them when they're sick ... and now I only have to do that for two of them.

How am I supposed to protect her? How am I supposed to make sure she's okay when she's not here?  I can't make her listen to me ... I can't make her do anything ... but I just want to do things for her still.  I want to be her mom and I want her to depend on me .... still.  And I know that she will and I know that I will always be her mom but its not the same when I can't look in her room say goodnight.

She told me that it sometimes took me forever to do things for her and I have to agree.  It did take me some time.  Maybe I would forget to make that dr's appt., or maybe I didn't have the gas to take her to a friends but it didn't mean that I was neglecting her and it didn't mean that it didn't get done.  I am only one person and up until recently I didn't have a partner in life so I was on my own to do it all myself.  I know that she is only a child and doesn't understand that and that's okay, I forgive her.  But it still hurts.

I'm just not ready to let go.  I'm not ready to parent only two children.  I want to be in the background aggravating her and making sure that everything is okay and that she is okay.

I know that I can still be her cheerleader and I will.   I am just having a hard time cheering her on when I feel that her decisions aren't the right ones.  But she has to fall ... we all have to at some time.  She's just too young to fall.

Its only been a month and I miss her.  I don't want to have lunch, I want to kiss her little cheek good night and tell her its time to start getting ready for bed.  I want to have her here to watch a movie with or to shout from room to room when a football game is on.

I want her home.  I'm not ready and I won't wish this on my other two.  I won't count down to when they're old enough to leave because they might be old enough but it doesn't mean that they're ready.  I just want her home where she belongs.  Where she should be.  I miss her so much.

I hope and pray that she will make good decisions and that her future will be as bright as she is.  I hope for nothing but great things for her and I hope that one day she will see why I made decisions that I have made.  I hope that she will one day see that it wasn't the control I wanted ... it was because I love her so much it was hard to let go.

Things that I work on ... get better and better

I am slowly but surely reaching what I have sought for so long ...

I am working on my relationship with Jesus Christ and I feel so good and so loved and so great every single day.  I want to be a great person but I know that I will never be as great as I want to be but I am working on different things.  I have been working on my swaring, which I am doing pretty goon on.  I do have the occasional slip and Bubby reminds me lol ... and then there's times that I have to remind myself that just because its not a "cuss" word, its still probably not a nice word.

I have been not only reading but understanding the Bible.  I am the kind of person that needs to have an answer to my questions and if I don't know the answer its hard for me to move forward, and I am understanding more and more through His word.  Its really an incredible feeling.

What I have added to my journey is that happiness comes from within and that if I'm not happy its not only by my choice but by choices that I make.  So those choices could be associating with people that make me feel bad about myself or those who complain or just maybe put me in a bummer mood ... I know that long conversations or spending long periods of time with certain people will put me in a direction that I don't want to go and so I have limited myself.  I have been labeled because of this, but thats okay because I made the choice to be happy.

Another choice in happiness is my job.  My boss and I do not see eye to eye very often and so I have prayed for patience because I really dreaded coming in to work because I just knew that I would be put down and that him and I would argue and that would be the end of my day.  I decided that I would take his criticism, although mostly harsh, and I would put it to good use and make better decisions about my performance and become better at my job.  I would also not bicker back to him ... this was a hard one for me because I do not like to be looked at as weak but all it did was fuel fire that was unnecessary and in the end it was me that it made miserable.  I have done this for about a week and my days at work have been great!  Even when he barks at me I just smile at him and answer whatever question it is that he has.  I have been doing so much better and feeling so much better and I know that this is because I have Jesus Christ in my heart and I pray and He answers my prayers with my help.

I am just overjoyed with how my life has been turning around.  I love Jesus and I can't wait to continue this journey and learn more every day.

Welcome Home

I am a believer and I have been for awhile just not as spiritual as I am becoming.  I went to church and I tried to get as close to God as I could but I didn't understand everything and I left some days being confused and and with no answers and no confidence to ask questions.

I had everything at one time.  Well what I thought was everything. I had money, a four bedroom home, two cars, a fenced in backyard, ate out when we wanted, health insurance, etc etc (none of these in a list of importance) and there was a sermon at church that the reason we have what we have was because God gave it to us.  We go that promotion or that job through the grace of our Lord.  I believed this but it still wasn't in my heart.  Then one day I went to work and I was let go and it was all gone.  I didn't question my performance or why I was let go, I prayed and asked what I did and where I went wrong in His eyes.  I have many theories but still not sure what it is and will probably never know.  I then had to start at the bottom.  Completely start over again.  I had built a life for my children and I with so many successes at a young age and was not on any kind of state assistance and now I had to get in that dreaded line at the welfare office.  Was I ashamed? Yes.  I didn't feel as if I belonged there ... maybe I felt that I was better than them.  It wasn't right but it was how I felt.  I had skills and an education and I was going to be getting food stamps and a medical card.  How could I work so hard for so long and then end up there?  I didn't know it then, but I would figure out later that God had a plan for me.

I continued to go to church. I loved my church and my pastor.  I could never get through a service without crying.  I was at a time in my life where I didn't know which way was up.  We were broke, Christmas was right around the corner, bills were coming due, my marriage was on the rocks and everyone always depended on me and I felt that I was letting everyone down because I didn't know what to do.  I prayed and prayed and no answers came but I kept going and kept trying.  I still didn't know but I kept my head up and I kept as strong as I could. But on the inside I was breaking. I was slowly losing it little by little.  I prayed for any kind of strength out there to get out of bed because I had to provide, I had to take care of my family ... I was what they counted on.

I won't lie.  I ended up straying from church.  I skipped a few Sundays here and there and it became more and more. My depression just became worst and I had to make decisions that I didn't want to make.  Decisions that were for me and my happiness and not what everyone else wanted.  People say they just want you to be happy, but ultimately they just want you to do what they think is best.  I had three children to think about ... thats what I kept telling myself and then it dawned on me that if I wasn't happy then I wasn't any good to anyone else.  I couldn't give myself 100% to anyone, even my children.  I made the toughest decision in my life to divorce.  My kids hated me for it.  I strayed from church, not because of the divorce but from depression but I began a new me.

This was God's plan for me.  He was showing me that life could be good.  That I could be happy without the money, without the big dreams and the materialist items.  Everything I had was so superficial and I was happy on the outside and then God took it all away from me so that he could show me what happiness really was.  What a hard road he was giving me though.  As God gives you nothing.  I suffered many times.  I cried many tears.  I had to learn patience, learn to be content ... learn to trust in Him.

I had started dating before I was divorced.  We were separated but I was not officially divorced yet.  I had guilt from that.  I had guilt from hurting the man that I was dating as well ... the man that I ultimately will marry one day.  I felt guilty for hurting my now ex-husband because I didn't want to hurt him, I just needed to be about me.  I just had so much built up inside and it weighed on me everyday.  I went to church one day in February and it happened to be communion that day.  I took communion and repented that Sunday.  Afterwards I cried and felt so nourished and blessed and uplifted and light and just so many feelings overcame me.  I was free of all that held me down at that point.  I haven't thought of any of that again.  I don't feel the guilt, I took Jesus Christ into my heart and he forgave me that day.

Today I am divorced but with a man that I never dreamed could exist.  I have never been treated better or loved more than I am by him.  I never knew I could love someone as hard as I love him as well.  I live in a trailer, which on the outside is pretty ugly but on the inside is home and when I come home I am greeted by my four dogs, Anthony playing his XBox, Alyssa on the phone and Brittney complaining about something.  Brian will be washing dishes and I just stand there to take it all in.  This is home.  This is happiness.  Thank you God.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you for showing me the way to true happiness.

Addiction sucks the life out of you ...

I guess in the wake of Whitney Houston's death it's kinda made me think more of addiction.  I don't know if its the addiction that I'm thinking of or her family that suffered from the addiction as well and her death or what I'm even feeling to be honest.

I lived with an addict for many years and so I've seen not only what it can do to the person but what it does to their families and their relationships (hence my divorce).  All I can go on is what I went through personally and what I saw.  What I saw is a man kinda die in front of me.  He's not dead of course, but he pretty much gave up his life for the alcohol.  He gave up his family.  Reflecting on my marriage I can't really say that he stopped doing anything, because he really never did do anything.  He worked sometimes but mostly played video games.

What it did to our family is destroy it.  I have a son who thinks if someone drinks that they will end up like his dad.  A son who told me once that he knew his dad wasn't drinking because if he was he would become a monster and probably kill all of us.  Although, he will defend his dad to the end and consistently tell me that his dad doesn't really drink anymore. My oldest still defends her dad but its come to light recently that she doesn't even stay there on the weekends.  In fact, he pawns both girls off to whomever and just Anthony stays the night.  Anthony is such a pleaser and doesn't want to upset his dad that his dad just leaves and gets away with it, and although I know it bothers Anthony a lot he still defends him.  In counseling Alyssa revealed that she wants more than anything to have a relationship with her dad, and the counselor said to her that maybe he is just too far gone and its not possible anymore.  That broke my heart.  A daughter just wants her dad basically and can't have him because of alcohol.

The thing is, is that he disguises it.  Not like hide it - although he did that during our marriage - but does it when its "normal" to do those things.  He would throw barbecues during the summer and make it all about the kids and this big party they were having and they would plan the menu and the kids would be so excited about it.  Ultimately this was so he could drink though.  When the kids at first told me that they were having a cookout I was kinda upset.  Not because they were cooking out, but wondered why all of a sudden was he doing that.  He never wanted to cookout when we were together.  Then it dawned on me one day, that the first and last cookout we had wasn't a good experience for us.  Enough said.  If he's not disguising it, its going to watch football or help a friend work on a car.  The kids know, but they still say nothing.  Heck. Everyone knows.

When I was married I defended him to everyone.  He was either not drinking that much or he wasn't drinking at all is what I would tell everyone.  Who wants to be looked at like that?  I don't even know how they were looking at me.  I was stupid maybe .. to stay with a man like that.  Maybe they felt sorry for me or maybe they thought I was just pathetic.  Who knows, but I just wanted everyone to think that it was all perfect and fine and lied to everyone.  Maybe not perfect.  I just wanted everyone to think it was okay and that I was okay and that my kids were okay.

I knew it was all wrong but I thought he could change ... well I thought that he would change.  I thought that I could make him change for that matter.  I am pretty controlling and I thought if I made it to where he couldn't drink or made him feel SO bad when he did that he would just stop.  I pulled a lot of punches and did things to be in control as much as I could be but it never helped.  He was in denial.  He didn't want to stop.   That's where my lesson was.  If he didn't want to stop then he just wasn't going to.  It took me almost 15 years to realize it.  It was a hard and long 15 years.  But I learned and I went against everything I believed in - including my marriage - and risked disappointing everyone because now I wasn't going to be the pathetic and sorry woman married to a drunk I was going to be the sorry single mother who was divorced. *SIGH*  Can't win.

My ex's entire family enables him.  They overlook his problem and never say anything to him about it.  They just pretend it isn't happening.  They don't try to get him help or even share honesty with him and tell them what they think and how scared they are for him.  Maybe they're not.

So through all this blabbing that I'm doing (forgive me, my mind is a little bit everywhere tonight) I've come to a few conclusions about addiction and addicts.  First addiction is sad.  I understand that its the person that makes the choice to to continue to do whatever it is they're doing, but they think they need it.  Their body is telling them that they need it.  I am sure that's hard to overcome.  Which is where my next point comes in at ... without a solid foundation and supportive family and friends, an addict can never recover whether they want to or not.  An addict needs support and encouragement and most of all forgiveness.  Forgiveness is huge and not just forgiveness in your own eyes and in God's.  They need to hear it.  They need to know they have that support.  Addiction is covering up something.  Depression ... mental illness .. whatever it is, so its only therapeutic for them to know that you love and care for them.  When you ignore the addiction you're not helping them.  I'm not saying that everyone can be helped because the first and foremost person that needs to seek that help is the addict themselves ... but when they make that first step its HUGE and they should be recognized for it.  And if the addict isn't willing to make the change then you either sit back and watch them destroy themselves or you take that relationship out of the picture.  Everyone does have a choice.  So I am sad for everyone involved in addiction.  Everyone.

Everyone needs a best friend ....

So we have a lot of dogs.  Too many.  I realize this and when I moved out here it was not my intent to have this many dogs.  


HISTORY:  When I lived in Elyria, I had four dogs and four cats.  I got rid of three cats, kept one for my daughter Britt.  I was only supposed to have two dogs but my ex moved in with his mom and was only allowed to take the small dog (Tiki).  So that left me with two large dogs and a small dog.  Brian felt that although he liked my dogs they weren't "ours" so we ended up with another small dog (Cujo). Hence four dogs.


SOOOOO we were not responsible dog owners and small dog got the other small dog and nine weeks later we had four puppies.


Anthony has Aspergers.  Its not a disease, its just a socialization disorder so to speak.  He doesn't socialize much and its not that he really doesn't want to, he just doesn't know how.  He says things that might be inappropriate for the conversation and then when he is looked at different because of what he said, it discourages him from speaking again at a different time.  He also doesn't associate with emotion.  He might feel bad for someone but he doesn't get it.  He doesn't lie ... because he is a shoot from the hip kind of guy.  He is not the one to ask if I look fat in an outfit ... he will tell me what I probably don't want to hear.  He also has a sensory disorder.  Certain feels of objects either feel VERY good or like nails on a chalkboard to him.  Now he has outgrown some of these things.  Like his socks, I used to have to turn them inside out so he wouldn't have the seam on his toes.  Tags.  Things like that.  He has to also be stimulated sometimes a lot and sometimes its too much.  So maybe today he is constantly hugging me but tomorrow can't stand to have my hand on his shoulder.  It's really kind of touch and go every day with him, but he's not mean about anything and he will tell you if he doesn't like something.  I only worry about the anxiety that some things give him.  Which certain cognitive objects can help him with that.  He used to have a ball that had little tentacles on it (?) and that would help calm him down when he got anxious.  It kind of sounds like its a lot but he's such a great kid and we just deal with things that come up on a day to day basis.  We're used to making the different accommodations that we might need to so it never seems to big of a deal.  Honestly though, going to new places and new situations with him gives me almost as much anxiety.  I can't protect him forever.  I have to kind of throw him into it and see how he does.  We talk about it later if it was a bad experience and try to figure out what we can do next time to make it better.  He is easily frustrated by those talks ... he lacks self-confidence, although we believe in him and we encourage him every day.  He is truly my little hero.  I couldn't imagine having to live the life he does with so many internal struggles and I'm so proud of how well he does.


So when the puppies were born, something changed.  They cried and Anthony went and covered them up.  He was always pausing a video game to check on them, making sure they were okay just because .... even covered them up if he thought it was chilly in the house.  It was kind of interesting to me to see that he was worried about them.  They're dogs.  Little baby dogs, but still dogs and that's what he would say.  But not with one particular little one.  We called him Moo-Moo.  So we have sold all the puppies ... except Moo-Moo.  Anthony told me that he was his best friend and that he would take care of him.


Anthony is 12.  He has never had such a big responsibility like a puppy.  I explained to him what it meant and he just cried because he didn't think he could do it.  I NEVER want him to think he cant do something.  I told him we would help him and that was that.  I have woke Anthony up at 5a, when Moo-Moo woke us up.  He thought he could just put him back in his pen and go back to sleep .... but I reminded him that it wasn't happening.  He has to take him potty almost every half hour and at least every hour.  Needless to say, the last couple of days have been exhausting for him.  But then when Anthony sits and plays the computer, you see the puppy in his lap.  When Anthony is playing a video game, you see the puppy running around him .... Anthony loves this puppy and the puppy loves him.  I am very proud to say that we have an 8-week old puppy that has only had two accidents in the house and they were both on paper in his pen.  

So I have a lot of dogs.  Sometimes they like to leave me messes to clean up and I have to clean my carpets at least once a week and they smell and I hate bathing them almost as bad as they hate getting baths.  And when people hear that we have "another" dog ... I just smile and think of Anthony.  Because everyone needs a best friend and I think he has the best one for him. 

Nobody puts Issy in the corner ...

So its been a little bit since I've wrote on here.  Our home is still chaotic as usual. Alyssa is doing much better, still a bit mouthy but shes a teen.  I'm actually thinking about reinstating her cell phone privileges.  She's doing fantastic.

But today I want to talk about something else.  Kids still, but something else. I love each of my children ... differently but the same amount.  I LOVE being around them.  They are a lot of fun and they add to my day no matter what is going on.  My patience gets pushed and sometimes I am irritated and its not even because of them sometimes but at the end of the day they are everything to me.

The holidays were a bit tough.  When you're divorced you have to do this thing called sharing the kids.  It sucks.  I am not saying that I am a better parent ... okay I am ... but thats not the point.  The point is, is that I had to see my children going to their dads on Thanksgiving instead of being home with me.  We had our own little dinner the weekend before and it was wonderful.  But they had to leave and I knew that they would got to their dads, eat dinner and then they would go do their own thing.  This is the part that upsets me.  I love creating memories with them.  I can't tell you what we would've done, but it would've been something.  But Thanksgiving wasn't the worst of it.  Christmas Day was the worst.  We woke up a little bit late as their dad was picking them up at 9a, and we got up at 830 and I wanted to make cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate so I asked their dad if he could just be a little bit later.  He let me have an hour but not without haste.  That day I couldn't even catch my breath.  It was one of the hardest days for me.  I missed my kids so much. SO MUCH.  The day was not a great one.  I even took the tree down the day after Christmas because if my kids weren't here, what was the point? 

So the kids stay the rest of Christmas break with their dad.  But then his mother didn't want Alyssa and her smart mouth there any longer, so I had to pick her up early.  Fine. No problem.  At least I had one kid home with me.  What the problem was, was 3 weeks later when they were supposed to go back to their dads house and their GRANDMOTHER said she still didnt want Alyssa at her house, but it was okay for the other two to come.  There was a couple of problems I had with this.  One was that this was a grown woman who was holding a grudge against a child.  I do not think it was right for Alyssa to have back-talked her, and she was punished for this.  But you punish and you move one.  You can't dwell on things.  The second problem I had with this, was that their dad was okay with this.  Of course the other two are much easier to "parent" than Alyssa. But what fun is anything if its easy!?  I didn't feel that he was standing up for her, even against his mother.  He kept saying "what am I supposed to do?"  I dont know what you're supposed to do.  All I know is that this is your daughter that you get to see four days a month and your mother is basically prohibiting you from seeing her.  I would have to tell mama where to go.  I would have to stick up for my daughter.  Which I did.  You can't single one of my kids out like that.  I remember a long time ago when Brittney would visit with her biological father and when they brought her home, they always brought her home with McDonalds.  Just her.  WE couldnt afford such things and Alyssa being only like 4 didnt get it.  I asked them not to do that anymore and explained why.  Told them to take her to McDs and eat but not to bring it home with her.  The next weekend when they brought her home, they brought her with two happy meals.  It wasn't asked of them but ya know what? They got it.  And I will always remember that.  This was Britt's step-mother and biological father, no relation to Alyssa.  And now her biological father wasn't even sticking up for her.  I get that its his mother and what a hard battle that would be, but you have to stand up for what is right no matter who it is.  Its what I believe and that day its what I taught my kids.

I told their dad that until Alyssa was allowed over there again, none of the kids would be coming.  She was not going to be singled out and it was not fair to ANY of them for that matter.  This was not teaching them anything.  Their grandma didn't even try to call Alyssa this whole time to talk to her, to tell her that she felt disrespected, to tell her that she can't do that ... nothing.  These are things that I teach my children.  Whether they want to apologize or not, they do because they know its the right thing to do .. and I make them.  But I'm the adult.  I act like the adult and for right now, they can act like kids.

Later that evening, Alyssa came in and hugged me and thanked me.  I didn't want her to do that.  It felt nice but this was something that any parent should have done.  I enjoy my children being around me and if they don't go see their dad then whatever.  But you're not going to take some and not all.  Its not fair and its not teaching them the right thing.  Alyssa didnt get away with anything ... she was punished the same night I picked her up when she was asked to leave.  Everyone deserves forgiveness.  Even a 15 year old girl.

One of these days my kids will not hate me for being so protective and they will not hold these petty arguments that their dad and I have against me.  They will understand.  I give them until their late 20s.  I am patient and I will wait.  It will come though.  It has to.  It has to because I love them more than anything in this world and would do anything for them. I will stand up to whoever I need to and I will fight for them when I need to.  They will succeed in everything they do and I hope that they learn at least half that success from me ... just for wanting whats right.