I like to control things and it's not because I want to, it's because it's what I've always been expected to do.  I want people to tell me for once how things are going to go believe it or not, but because I have always been in control for so long it's hard to let go of that role.  After so long it defines you and to let go of that is a bit scary because then what role do I play in people's lives.  The controlling is as little as deciding what we're going to have for dinner to as big as what bills will be paid from what paycheck ... its not great to have everything on your shoulders and then those people resent you for having all the control but yet they want to take none on themselves.

I am a very anxious person and anything that is out of my element or comfort zone is a big deal to me, so letting go of any kind of control is huge.  I want it but it causes a great deal of anxiety.  I need to know that its all going smooth and if I don't do it or I'm not the one that's in the forefront, how do I know that's its getting done the way that it's supposed to.  Not necessary "my" way ... but in a successful way.

This past week I let go of the grocery shopping for the first time in almost 20 years.  I am still getting anxiety from it.  I think that the money was overspent and that it could've been done in a more economical way.  I looked at the receipt and everything that was on there we needed, and we haven't had to go to the grocery store to buy anything for dinners because well he achieved that.  He bought things we needed for the cupboards and things for dinner but because I didn't do it I am still anxious over it.  I even made the grocery list so I had something to do with it.  Although he did go off of the list a little, he still did a great job.  But I'm not sure I can do it again.

The thing is, is that I need to let this go and I'm not sure how.  I'm always saying that I need more off of my plate but when the slack is picked up I freak out.  I don't know if I need the chaos or if I'm just so used to it that I don't know what to do without it.

Something I need to ponder I suppose.  Something to bring up to the counselor.

He thinks that I am trying to control him.  Trying to run his life. That's not what its about though, I just don't think that his decisions are thought through and I don't believe that I should be put on the back burner when it comes to deciding if he should be with me or a friend.  That is not being controlling .... I don't think.

How do you stand back and let people make bad decisions when they're your husband or your're children or just simply people that you love?  How do you do that and especially when ultimately those decisions can effect you and/or your family?  I can't.  I'm supposed to because .... well there's some things you can't control no matter how hard you try.