I am a believer and I have been for awhile just not as spiritual as I am becoming. I went to church and I tried to get as close to God as I could but I didn't understand everything and I left some days being confused and and with no answers and no confidence to ask questions.
I had everything at one time. Well what I thought was everything. I had money, a four bedroom home, two cars, a fenced in backyard, ate out when we wanted, health insurance, etc etc (none of these in a list of importance) and there was a sermon at church that the reason we have what we have was because God gave it to us. We go that promotion or that job through the grace of our Lord. I believed this but it still wasn't in my heart. Then one day I went to work and I was let go and it was all gone. I didn't question my performance or why I was let go, I prayed and asked what I did and where I went wrong in His eyes. I have many theories but still not sure what it is and will probably never know. I then had to start at the bottom. Completely start over again. I had built a life for my children and I with so many successes at a young age and was not on any kind of state assistance and now I had to get in that dreaded line at the welfare office. Was I ashamed? Yes. I didn't feel as if I belonged there ... maybe I felt that I was better than them. It wasn't right but it was how I felt. I had skills and an education and I was going to be getting food stamps and a medical card. How could I work so hard for so long and then end up there? I didn't know it then, but I would figure out later that God had a plan for me.
I continued to go to church. I loved my church and my pastor. I could never get through a service without crying. I was at a time in my life where I didn't know which way was up. We were broke, Christmas was right around the corner, bills were coming due, my marriage was on the rocks and everyone always depended on me and I felt that I was letting everyone down because I didn't know what to do. I prayed and prayed and no answers came but I kept going and kept trying. I still didn't know but I kept my head up and I kept as strong as I could. But on the inside I was breaking. I was slowly losing it little by little. I prayed for any kind of strength out there to get out of bed because I had to provide, I had to take care of my family ... I was what they counted on.
I won't lie. I ended up straying from church. I skipped a few Sundays here and there and it became more and more. My depression just became worst and I had to make decisions that I didn't want to make. Decisions that were for me and my happiness and not what everyone else wanted. People say they just want you to be happy, but ultimately they just want you to do what they think is best. I had three children to think about ... thats what I kept telling myself and then it dawned on me that if I wasn't happy then I wasn't any good to anyone else. I couldn't give myself 100% to anyone, even my children. I made the toughest decision in my life to divorce. My kids hated me for it. I strayed from church, not because of the divorce but from depression but I began a new me.
This was God's plan for me. He was showing me that life could be good. That I could be happy without the money, without the big dreams and the materialist items. Everything I had was so superficial and I was happy on the outside and then God took it all away from me so that he could show me what happiness really was. What a hard road he was giving me though. As God gives you nothing. I suffered many times. I cried many tears. I had to learn patience, learn to be content ... learn to trust in Him.
I had started dating before I was divorced. We were separated but I was not officially divorced yet. I had guilt from that. I had guilt from hurting the man that I was dating as well ... the man that I ultimately will marry one day. I felt guilty for hurting my now ex-husband because I didn't want to hurt him, I just needed to be about me. I just had so much built up inside and it weighed on me everyday. I went to church one day in February and it happened to be communion that day. I took communion and repented that Sunday. Afterwards I cried and felt so nourished and blessed and uplifted and light and just so many feelings overcame me. I was free of all that held me down at that point. I haven't thought of any of that again. I don't feel the guilt, I took Jesus Christ into my heart and he forgave me that day.
Today I am divorced but with a man that I never dreamed could exist. I have never been treated better or loved more than I am by him. I never knew I could love someone as hard as I love him as well. I live in a trailer, which on the outside is pretty ugly but on the inside is home and when I come home I am greeted by my four dogs, Anthony playing his XBox, Alyssa on the phone and Brittney complaining about something. Brian will be washing dishes and I just stand there to take it all in. This is home. This is happiness. Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for showing me the way to true happiness.
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