*sigh*

I am not perfect. I have never thought of myself as perfect. I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make them ... hopefully not the same ones but I will still make mistakes.  I have three great children.  One of them happen to be a bit more of a handful than I ever thought could be possible, but then when do parents sit and tell you about their children's faults? I always want to brag about my kids ... even the troublemaker, I do not want to ever tell you or anyone that there are some days I just want to give up and other days that I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  I have prayed. I have read books. I have gone to counseling. I have joined sites on the internet for support. But yet, I continue to struggle with her and the worst that it gets the more that I feel I have failed.  Not as a parent but her.  I feel that I have failed her.  Life is tough. We all know it and I know that she has had plenty to deal with .. the thing I guess is, is that everyone deals with things differently.  She doesn't do so well.  Sometimes I wonder if I had a stronger hand growing up if I would've been like her.  I was coddled, spoiled and my mistakes were always kinda grazed over and instead of learning from them I was kinda taught to forget them.  My grandmother is a great person and as I have said before she is my best friend, but confrontation is something that she doesn't do.  If she feels you are doing wrong or disagrees with you she doesn't tend to express it.  She might tell someone else, but she doesn't ever tell you.  So maybe I'm missing something.  Maybe something was wrong as I grew up that I needed to learn and I didn't ... maybe that is why I am a failure for my daughter.  Maybe its because growing up I had it all and didn't know struggle and didn't know broken families.  I don't know.  I don't know what she is dealing with.  I wish I did.  I wish I knew so that maybe I could help her more than I am.  I wish I could take away all of her hurt and the voices in her head and the struggle that she has.  I really do, but I can't.  And I can't fix it either and that is probably the worst part.  I AM HER MOTHER! I am supposed to fix everything.  I am supposed to make everything better and put a band aid on, sing a song and she is supposed to be okay and that is not what is happening.  Its not what is happening and I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do about it. NO IDEA. I am lost and broken all at once and not because of what I have to deal with, but because I don't know what to do for her.