I guess in the wake of Whitney Houston's death it's kinda made me think more of addiction. I don't know if its the addiction that I'm thinking of or her family that suffered from the addiction as well and her death or what I'm even feeling to be honest.
I lived with an addict for many years and so I've seen not only what it can do to the person but what it does to their families and their relationships (hence my divorce). All I can go on is what I went through personally and what I saw. What I saw is a man kinda die in front of me. He's not dead of course, but he pretty much gave up his life for the alcohol. He gave up his family. Reflecting on my marriage I can't really say that he stopped doing anything, because he really never did do anything. He worked sometimes but mostly played video games.
What it did to our family is destroy it. I have a son who thinks if someone drinks that they will end up like his dad. A son who told me once that he knew his dad wasn't drinking because if he was he would become a monster and probably kill all of us. Although, he will defend his dad to the end and consistently tell me that his dad doesn't really drink anymore. My oldest still defends her dad but its come to light recently that she doesn't even stay there on the weekends. In fact, he pawns both girls off to whomever and just Anthony stays the night. Anthony is such a pleaser and doesn't want to upset his dad that his dad just leaves and gets away with it, and although I know it bothers Anthony a lot he still defends him. In counseling Alyssa revealed that she wants more than anything to have a relationship with her dad, and the counselor said to her that maybe he is just too far gone and its not possible anymore. That broke my heart. A daughter just wants her dad basically and can't have him because of alcohol.
The thing is, is that he disguises it. Not like hide it - although he did that during our marriage - but does it when its "normal" to do those things. He would throw barbecues during the summer and make it all about the kids and this big party they were having and they would plan the menu and the kids would be so excited about it. Ultimately this was so he could drink though. When the kids at first told me that they were having a cookout I was kinda upset. Not because they were cooking out, but wondered why all of a sudden was he doing that. He never wanted to cookout when we were together. Then it dawned on me one day, that the first and last cookout we had wasn't a good experience for us. Enough said. If he's not disguising it, its going to watch football or help a friend work on a car. The kids know, but they still say nothing. Heck. Everyone knows.
When I was married I defended him to everyone. He was either not drinking that much or he wasn't drinking at all is what I would tell everyone. Who wants to be looked at like that? I don't even know how they were looking at me. I was stupid maybe .. to stay with a man like that. Maybe they felt sorry for me or maybe they thought I was just pathetic. Who knows, but I just wanted everyone to think that it was all perfect and fine and lied to everyone. Maybe not perfect. I just wanted everyone to think it was okay and that I was okay and that my kids were okay.
I knew it was all wrong but I thought he could change ... well I thought that he would change. I thought that I could make him change for that matter. I am pretty controlling and I thought if I made it to where he couldn't drink or made him feel SO bad when he did that he would just stop. I pulled a lot of punches and did things to be in control as much as I could be but it never helped. He was in denial. He didn't want to stop. That's where my lesson was. If he didn't want to stop then he just wasn't going to. It took me almost 15 years to realize it. It was a hard and long 15 years. But I learned and I went against everything I believed in - including my marriage - and risked disappointing everyone because now I wasn't going to be the pathetic and sorry woman married to a drunk I was going to be the sorry single mother who was divorced. *SIGH* Can't win.
My ex's entire family enables him. They overlook his problem and never say anything to him about it. They just pretend it isn't happening. They don't try to get him help or even share honesty with him and tell them what they think and how scared they are for him. Maybe they're not.
So through all this blabbing that I'm doing (forgive me, my mind is a little bit everywhere tonight) I've come to a few conclusions about addiction and addicts. First addiction is sad. I understand that its the person that makes the choice to to continue to do whatever it is they're doing, but they think they need it. Their body is telling them that they need it. I am sure that's hard to overcome. Which is where my next point comes in at ... without a solid foundation and supportive family and friends, an addict can never recover whether they want to or not. An addict needs support and encouragement and most of all forgiveness. Forgiveness is huge and not just forgiveness in your own eyes and in God's. They need to hear it. They need to know they have that support. Addiction is covering up something. Depression ... mental illness .. whatever it is, so its only therapeutic for them to know that you love and care for them. When you ignore the addiction you're not helping them. I'm not saying that everyone can be helped because the first and foremost person that needs to seek that help is the addict themselves ... but when they make that first step its HUGE and they should be recognized for it. And if the addict isn't willing to make the change then you either sit back and watch them destroy themselves or you take that relationship out of the picture. Everyone does have a choice. So I am sad for everyone involved in addiction. Everyone.
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