One day I'll figure it out. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I will. One thing I know is that I wont give up. I wont give up on her, not now, not ever. I feel for her. I can't really imagine what she is going through but then I kinda feel for me because of what she is putting me through. Putting me and my family through. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I want to fix this. I want everything to just be okay and go on with our days without something new coming up, but that's just not going to happen. I've done this for so long with her I thought that I would have this down pat by now but yet I feel like I'm not even close.
When its come to her I've always felt alone. I always felt that I was the only one that could really understand her but then there's more days than not that I'm like what the heck is she doing and why? I always question what I have done to make her hate me ... what I have done to make her make so many cruel things up about me, but I know its not me. I'm a good mom. I know that I am. When I was married I was supposed to have a partner in this. I was supposed to have someone to turn to on my dark days when I was trying to be strong for her. Because wow is it hard to be strong for her ... but then one day he told me that he couldn't do it with her anymore and that I was on my own. Of course it upset me and I was like how can her own dad just give up on her? And then it was like dominoes. Everyone started giving up on her. No one wanted her around, she was blamed for everything, she was banned from people's homes ... but I stood beside her. She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally ... I will be there to catch her when she falls. I might let her scrape her knees a few times so she will learn but I will never leave her ... I will never give up on her like so many have.
I realize that she brings this on herself, I know that she needs more than most teens her age. I'm trying but its a long road and I'm so scared that I'm going to run out of time.
So she runs away. I shut down. Where is my daughter? I miss her .. I am worried .. I just want her home. She has huge consequences that she has to face but I am still there, right next to her. My rock was my husband, her step dad. But now ... now he has given up on her too. So again, I feel alone.
I don't and won't ever justify her actions and she will always pay the price .. but she is my daughter and I will always love her and I will continue to show her the right way and just hope and just pray that she will follow the right path.
I hope she realizes how much I love her and how deep my love for her really is. I hope that she knows that my hand is always here for her to hold and that if she wants to lay with me and cuddle and cry that its okay and I'll be there for that too. I tell her. She is too big for that though.
I guess its just me and her against the world. That's okay. I'll figure this out. I will be strong for her. She will be a wonderful woman and be successful ... but I just wonder who is going to be strong for me. On the outside I can conquer and do anything but behind closed doors I am nothing but a mess. And when the going gets tough as it will ... I will do everything I possibly can for her and I will be her backbone if she needs me to be and I will teach her the lessons that she needs to be taught and then I will be there to hug her when she feels the guilt and remorse. But when I am done consoling her and she has that beautiful smile on her face, who is going to help me put my pieces back together ...
I'm so sorry that everyone has given up on her ... I'm not sure that I blame them although I don't understand how you would do that to someone that you love. Alyssa is such a great person, she really is. She has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in one person, the smile that will make you want to talk to her, beauty that is stunning and a personality that makes you smile and that's the Alyssa that I'm going to make sure everyone knows. That's the Alyssa that I know everyone loves. The other part of her is the one that we're going to work on. She is troubled. She needs me. But I still love her even when shes troubled ... I will never give up on her and shame on those that have because eventually she will be okay and I will be proud of her and she will should be proud of herself.
Lord watch over my daughter and take her fears away, calm her thoughts and let her know how much she is loved. I know that You are perfect Lord and that You will help us get through anything. Show Yourself into Alyssa's heart and show her how wonderful Your love is. Amen.
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