I workout. I love to workout. I know there's some workouts that are a little harder than others and that's why most of them - that I do at least - have people modifying in them. To show you how to do it when you're just not ready to do the advanced part. The part you're supposed to work up to.
I love weights. I hate cardio. I can't lift a lot but Les Mills Pump is one of my favorite programs. You use a barbell and it's what they call rep effects. Lighter weights with more reps. So you raise the barbell for the count of 3 and lower the barbell for a count of 3 and so on. There are several workouts in this program starting with a slightly easier one and you work your way up.
My own beachbody coach has been telling me lately that she doesn't like my hybrid. My hybrid is Turbofire and Les Mills Pump. She likes the programs but she doesn't like the way I put them together. She told me that I was trying too much too soon. I was like okay. I know my body and I know that I'm okay. Who cared that she's done both programs from start to finish. She wasn't me.
She kept telling me this over and over and honestly, I was like "really?" maybe I'm just stronger (not) and she doesn't know what I can handle.
Sunday was my rest day but I decided to lift instead. Now that's okay - a lot of people workout on their rest days but I wanted something more so what did I do? I chose the second hardest Pump workout they had. Now I didn't know this when I chose the workout. I knew that it was longer than I had done before and it was new to me which is what I wanted. So I worked out. For an hour. I didn't quit even though I wanted to. And then I posted it in my awesome fitness group and then my coach saw it and she told me that she didn't like my hybrid. again. *sigh* Okay fine. I will sub the 55 minute Turbofire classes for 30 minutes. If that makes you feel better. And she was happy.
Then the next day I woke up. My arms were practically stuck in position. I cried out in pain because it hurt so bad to move them. Massaging didn't help. I could barely function all day. The pain was not subsiding and I knew that I had overdid it. I knew that I should have listened to my coach. But because I was so stubborn and going to "prove" that she was wrong I ended up injuring myself.
How many times do we do this in life? Not listen to the people that have been there, done that just because we think it will turn out different for us. How many times does it actually turn out different? This was my own personal lesson in a lot of different things. Sometimes people have to fail in order to succeed and they have to do it on their own terms. Now of course the neighbor next door can do whatever she wants and it doesn't effect me, my best friend might not listen to me and it will hurt to see her hurt but it's still on her but my kids are a different story. It is not a great thing to sit back and watch your children fail because they won't listen, but I've learned that it's what I need to do. I need to let them fail. I can offer them advice and share my stories but if they choose not to listen to me, then I need to sit back and wait. Wait for them to come back through my door because they need me. And that's what I will do. I will wait. I will be here. And maybe. Just maybe they will figure it out eventually and maybe not. Either way the only thing I can control is how tight the hug is during the after effect.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
So my daughter has problems. A lot of problems. She is mentally unstable and not the good, cooky kind of crazy that we all love but really unstable. Right now she is locked up. Its where she belongs, as much I hate it that she is gone .. I know its where she belongs. I can't help her. I don't know what to do in order to help her. I think that my daughter is a sociopath. And I don't say this lightly. I really do believe that she is. She doesn't show any kind of empathy, unless its for herself, when things don't go her way. When the boyfriend breaks up with her, when she thought she was going home instead of getting locked up so she turns on the tears ... she does cry, but only for herself, never for others. My son has aspergers so his empathy is rather low, but for different reasons and so at school he has a very low profile. My daughter has this outstanding personality that everyone flocks to and loves at first and then in about two weeks - after she has gotten what she wants - they hate her. I hate that she doesn't have friends ... on one hand I just want to say that she's done this to herself but on the other hand if she has an illness has she really brought this onto herself? No. not really. Its something she cant help. Its a problem that a lot of people do not understand. People understand that if someone has something such as epilepsy that they cannot help their seizures ... if they have tourettes (sp?) syndrome that they cannot help twitching or in some cases screaming out words at inappropriate times ... if they have cancer and getting treatment, they cannot help their hair falling out ... but yet when someone has a mental illness they still need to be 100% responsible for their actions. I do not feel that a mental illness should be a crutch and I do feel that she should take and accept responsibility for her actions but I also think that she should be more understood before she is judged.
I want her to succeed in life. I feel as if I am the only one that has her back. Her father doesn't want to help her because its just too much work. Her step-father doesn't believe that if she does have a mental illness that it has anything to do with her behavior. Her relatives have just basically wrote her off. I love her. I love her more than any of the people that I have mentioned. I will always love her and I will always believe in her but I know that I can only do so much and its why I have turned to the courts for help. Unfortunately its the only resource that I had left with the little time I had left before she is 18.
I had children because I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to nurture another human being and watch them grow in life. Some might look at my children and not think I have done a great job and thats okay. But my kids are great. They are my heart and no matter what I will stand beside them and help them with whatever they need help in. As long as they let me. I can only do so much. They might not think I'm the greatest but maybe one day.
I will never give up on my children. I refuse to be older and look back and say I wish I would've done this or that. I want to say that I did everything I could. I want to say that I did everything and it worked or it didn't work.
I love you Alyssa. I love you so much more than you know.
Lord, today watch over Alyssa. Guide her with you hand to watch her, to love her and show her the Godly way to life. Show her that Your love is so much stronger than she is seeing. Amen.
I want her to succeed in life. I feel as if I am the only one that has her back. Her father doesn't want to help her because its just too much work. Her step-father doesn't believe that if she does have a mental illness that it has anything to do with her behavior. Her relatives have just basically wrote her off. I love her. I love her more than any of the people that I have mentioned. I will always love her and I will always believe in her but I know that I can only do so much and its why I have turned to the courts for help. Unfortunately its the only resource that I had left with the little time I had left before she is 18.
I had children because I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to nurture another human being and watch them grow in life. Some might look at my children and not think I have done a great job and thats okay. But my kids are great. They are my heart and no matter what I will stand beside them and help them with whatever they need help in. As long as they let me. I can only do so much. They might not think I'm the greatest but maybe one day.
I will never give up on my children. I refuse to be older and look back and say I wish I would've done this or that. I want to say that I did everything I could. I want to say that I did everything and it worked or it didn't work.
I love you Alyssa. I love you so much more than you know.
Lord, today watch over Alyssa. Guide her with you hand to watch her, to love her and show her the Godly way to life. Show her that Your love is so much stronger than she is seeing. Amen.
Monday, February 11, 2013
My wish for my children
I wish that the sun will shine brightly every day for you. I wish that you will wake up with a smile. I wish that you will always be warm and never hungry. I wish that you will know how truly blessed you are and know how blessed I am because of you. I wish that you will have many opportunities in life and take advantage of almost all of them. I wish for you many things but most of all I just wish that you knew ... really knew ... how much I love you.
I wake up every night and tuck you in. I do it in the middle of the night because you're a teenager and well, if you were awake you probably wouldn't let me. I call you 100x a day just to see what you're doing because I'm not there and I want to be. I know that I'm overbearing and I'm sure there are a lot of parents out there that you would rather me be, but I won't be. I will always be me. I will always be who I think is best. I will never give you anything less than the best, it just might not be what you think it should be. I'm not saying my decisions are all the right ones but I learn from them and I will try harder.
I also know that some of my decisions might push you further away from me because I'm just "too much". And thats okay too. Because I love you and I know one day you will see that thats the only reason why I have ever did anything that I have done. Its always been out of love.
I don't want to see you hurt or fail ... but I have to let you fall sometimes. But I promise you I will be there to pick you up and help you put the pieces back together. I will help you figure whatever it is you need figured out ... but I can't do it unless you want it.
I want to be the mom that you come to for everything, but I also understand that my own issues prevent me from that. I try to understand you and I just ask that you respect my boundaries.
I am a mean mom but I am also a loving mom.
I wish for you a million stars in the sky for you every single night. I wish for you nothing but bright days and calm nights. I wish for you the love of everyone around you. I wish for you success in everything you do. I wish for you laughter. I wish for you so many things and I wish that I could give them all to you.
I love all three of you very much. I am blessed, truly blessed.
Lord, thank you for my sweet children and looking over them and keeping them healthy in their hearts. Thank you for my long days spent with each of them. Guide them in decisions that they make in hopes they will be the right ones. And today, Lord ... please watch over Alyssa. bring her home safely. keep her warm and fed. and make sure she knows that we all love her. Amen.
I wake up every night and tuck you in. I do it in the middle of the night because you're a teenager and well, if you were awake you probably wouldn't let me. I call you 100x a day just to see what you're doing because I'm not there and I want to be. I know that I'm overbearing and I'm sure there are a lot of parents out there that you would rather me be, but I won't be. I will always be me. I will always be who I think is best. I will never give you anything less than the best, it just might not be what you think it should be. I'm not saying my decisions are all the right ones but I learn from them and I will try harder.
I also know that some of my decisions might push you further away from me because I'm just "too much". And thats okay too. Because I love you and I know one day you will see that thats the only reason why I have ever did anything that I have done. Its always been out of love.
I don't want to see you hurt or fail ... but I have to let you fall sometimes. But I promise you I will be there to pick you up and help you put the pieces back together. I will help you figure whatever it is you need figured out ... but I can't do it unless you want it.
I want to be the mom that you come to for everything, but I also understand that my own issues prevent me from that. I try to understand you and I just ask that you respect my boundaries.
I am a mean mom but I am also a loving mom.
I wish for you a million stars in the sky for you every single night. I wish for you nothing but bright days and calm nights. I wish for you the love of everyone around you. I wish for you success in everything you do. I wish for you laughter. I wish for you so many things and I wish that I could give them all to you.
I love all three of you very much. I am blessed, truly blessed.
Lord, thank you for my sweet children and looking over them and keeping them healthy in their hearts. Thank you for my long days spent with each of them. Guide them in decisions that they make in hopes they will be the right ones. And today, Lord ... please watch over Alyssa. bring her home safely. keep her warm and fed. and make sure she knows that we all love her. Amen.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
An In-depth Look at my Resolutions
I usually use my blog to kind of vent about things and to be self aware of other things that are potentially bothering me. I haven't wrote in awhile which doesn't mean that things around here are rosy but I think that I am handling things better.
Its mid-January and I have hope for an even better year than last year. I had a great year for the most part in 2011 and I can only hope for better and if not, that's okay. I'm still blessed.
I have a few things that I want to work on this year to improve myself.
Of course there's finances but not "to be better with money" its more to make sure that we have money. Brian is working now and although we were a bit careless this past week its nice to know that the money will be there every week. We've discussed our money, talked about a budget and I think we're pretty much on the same page. Things I've stressed about in the past like how long people were taking showers for, lights being left on were little to everyone and I was just being a nag. But now that Brian is contributing he's seeing why I pay attention to every detail of these things. He's right there with me now. He understands and that means so much to me. For once I don't feel like I have all the weight of our finances on my shoulders alone. I have a partner. A real partner to share the stress of life with. Its a great feeling.
Parenting. I don't think that I'm a bad parent. I think that I'm strict and probably too strict sometimes, but its only because I want to protect my kids and hopefully one day they'll get it. I have always had a problem sharing the parenting though. Even with their dad. We never agreed on anything when it came to the kids. I always that their dad was too lenient which I believe has led them to make wrong decisions. Now I am being accused of being the lenient one but I feel that Brian jumps on them too easily. What my hope this year is to not become more strict or more lenient but to communicate more with Brian on these things. I have a problem with almost everything of trying to always sway the other person to agree with me which kind of puts a wall up in front of me that makes ME the closed-minded one. I have been saying that he has no "right" to punish the kids that's he's not their dad. But ya know what? He might as well be. The kids should feel lucky to have two dads and to be cared about by so many people. Brian is right beside me when it comes to them making good decisions ... he has their best interest at hand and so do I. I'm obsessed with my kids which won't ever change. I've been told that it's not a good thing, but when my children are home with me I don't want to leave. This is really on the weekends. Not leaving as in going to somewhere during the day or a friends home, but going "out". I just don't believe that I should be taking time away from the kids - whether we're doing things together or not - for me to go and party. I have plenty of life to do that and they're gone two weekends out of the month ... I can wait a week. Parenting is a big one that Brian and I both have to work on together. I need to let him help me parent the kids and we both need to communicate more when it comes to the kids. If we can get over that hump it will be easier.
Family. I love my family very much. I might not like all of them but I do love them. I've been trying to make sure that I set aside more time for my grandmother, especially now that I live closer. I take her where she needs to go, Brian and I both cook for her, I visit and the kids visit. Maybe a movie night with her once a month .. something that we both enjoy. I don't believe that I need more time with her, but the quality of the time that we spend is more important. I also want to make sure that I spend more time with my sister, my best friend and my uncles. I don't have a lot of money but there could be lunch involved or just a visit. I want to make sure that I'm available to them when they need me, for them to know that I love them and that I am here.
Our home. I love the home that we're in. The up and down the stairs could be better, but it looks so great and I really owe that to Brian. First he is the one that busted his ass getting us in here as quickly as possible but he really does clean much better than I do. I keep up and do okay I think, but he does better. Plain and simple. I cook better though ;) ... And recently an opportunity has been presented to us to buy my grandmother (Uncle Tim)'s home. I have always wanted that house since I have moved away. It has everything we've ever wanted, we're getting a great deal on it and eventually we could do what we wanted to do with it. Right now, however, my grandmother is still living in it with my Uncle. He wants to move and sell me the house and in turn, I would take care of my grandmother until she goes and meets the Lord. I am more than okay with this. Of course there's some hesitation living with my grandma, not that I think it will be horrific or anything but rules and whatnot. I'm not sure if I will feel like I'm an adult ... but whatever. I will be there for her so much more and able to care for her. This will make my world so much better. I asked her how she felt about the idea and she said it would be fantastic so I'm guessing that she is more than okay with it too. Lots to do in the house to prepare for it however. And we need to build up our credit to finance the home ... but we're on our way to getting that done. I feel very good about it. I smile when I think about it and know that it would be a good move for us and I would know that grandmother will be okay. Not that she isn't now, but I would be there. That's what is important to me.
Myself. I always come last. This is by choice. I do not buy myself things. I do not treat myself. So I am going to start taking more bubble baths, listening to more classical and Christian music. I am going to pray more and thank the Lord for everything that I have. I am going to take care of myself and my body.
*********************
Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for giving me the time and ability to spend a few hours with my grandmother. Thank you for keeping my children healthy. Thank you for giving my wonderful husband the ability to work and providing work for him. Thank you for the beautiful weather you gave us today. Thank you for allowing me to wake up this morning and all the smiles that were brought to my face today. I know Lord that without you none of these things would be possible. Thank you thank you thank you. Amen.
Its mid-January and I have hope for an even better year than last year. I had a great year for the most part in 2011 and I can only hope for better and if not, that's okay. I'm still blessed.
I have a few things that I want to work on this year to improve myself.
Of course there's finances but not "to be better with money" its more to make sure that we have money. Brian is working now and although we were a bit careless this past week its nice to know that the money will be there every week. We've discussed our money, talked about a budget and I think we're pretty much on the same page. Things I've stressed about in the past like how long people were taking showers for, lights being left on were little to everyone and I was just being a nag. But now that Brian is contributing he's seeing why I pay attention to every detail of these things. He's right there with me now. He understands and that means so much to me. For once I don't feel like I have all the weight of our finances on my shoulders alone. I have a partner. A real partner to share the stress of life with. Its a great feeling.
Parenting. I don't think that I'm a bad parent. I think that I'm strict and probably too strict sometimes, but its only because I want to protect my kids and hopefully one day they'll get it. I have always had a problem sharing the parenting though. Even with their dad. We never agreed on anything when it came to the kids. I always that their dad was too lenient which I believe has led them to make wrong decisions. Now I am being accused of being the lenient one but I feel that Brian jumps on them too easily. What my hope this year is to not become more strict or more lenient but to communicate more with Brian on these things. I have a problem with almost everything of trying to always sway the other person to agree with me which kind of puts a wall up in front of me that makes ME the closed-minded one. I have been saying that he has no "right" to punish the kids that's he's not their dad. But ya know what? He might as well be. The kids should feel lucky to have two dads and to be cared about by so many people. Brian is right beside me when it comes to them making good decisions ... he has their best interest at hand and so do I. I'm obsessed with my kids which won't ever change. I've been told that it's not a good thing, but when my children are home with me I don't want to leave. This is really on the weekends. Not leaving as in going to somewhere during the day or a friends home, but going "out". I just don't believe that I should be taking time away from the kids - whether we're doing things together or not - for me to go and party. I have plenty of life to do that and they're gone two weekends out of the month ... I can wait a week. Parenting is a big one that Brian and I both have to work on together. I need to let him help me parent the kids and we both need to communicate more when it comes to the kids. If we can get over that hump it will be easier.
Family. I love my family very much. I might not like all of them but I do love them. I've been trying to make sure that I set aside more time for my grandmother, especially now that I live closer. I take her where she needs to go, Brian and I both cook for her, I visit and the kids visit. Maybe a movie night with her once a month .. something that we both enjoy. I don't believe that I need more time with her, but the quality of the time that we spend is more important. I also want to make sure that I spend more time with my sister, my best friend and my uncles. I don't have a lot of money but there could be lunch involved or just a visit. I want to make sure that I'm available to them when they need me, for them to know that I love them and that I am here.
Our home. I love the home that we're in. The up and down the stairs could be better, but it looks so great and I really owe that to Brian. First he is the one that busted his ass getting us in here as quickly as possible but he really does clean much better than I do. I keep up and do okay I think, but he does better. Plain and simple. I cook better though ;) ... And recently an opportunity has been presented to us to buy my grandmother (Uncle Tim)'s home. I have always wanted that house since I have moved away. It has everything we've ever wanted, we're getting a great deal on it and eventually we could do what we wanted to do with it. Right now, however, my grandmother is still living in it with my Uncle. He wants to move and sell me the house and in turn, I would take care of my grandmother until she goes and meets the Lord. I am more than okay with this. Of course there's some hesitation living with my grandma, not that I think it will be horrific or anything but rules and whatnot. I'm not sure if I will feel like I'm an adult ... but whatever. I will be there for her so much more and able to care for her. This will make my world so much better. I asked her how she felt about the idea and she said it would be fantastic so I'm guessing that she is more than okay with it too. Lots to do in the house to prepare for it however. And we need to build up our credit to finance the home ... but we're on our way to getting that done. I feel very good about it. I smile when I think about it and know that it would be a good move for us and I would know that grandmother will be okay. Not that she isn't now, but I would be there. That's what is important to me.
Myself. I always come last. This is by choice. I do not buy myself things. I do not treat myself. So I am going to start taking more bubble baths, listening to more classical and Christian music. I am going to pray more and thank the Lord for everything that I have. I am going to take care of myself and my body.
*********************
Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for giving me the time and ability to spend a few hours with my grandmother. Thank you for keeping my children healthy. Thank you for giving my wonderful husband the ability to work and providing work for him. Thank you for the beautiful weather you gave us today. Thank you for allowing me to wake up this morning and all the smiles that were brought to my face today. I know Lord that without you none of these things would be possible. Thank you thank you thank you. Amen.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I am wonderful
I've been feeling down lately. really down. Ya know how it goes ... nothing is going right, the world is against you ... why me poor me ... yah the whole nine yards. I talked to my sister in law and she told me to call her Pastor which I did. That was about a week ago and today he called me. Kinda odd that he called me today because today the rain turned into a storm and I needed to talk to someone.
I can't say that he made me feel better because he didn't. He didn't say woe is you and that everything will be okay. He listened to me as I told him why I felt disconnected from God and why I didn't trust to just hand over everything to someone that gives so much to people that could care less while I try to be a good person and do the right thing and things just keep getting worst and worst for me. I wasn't trying to play the victim here, I really don't understand it. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders and I WANT to hand it over to Him .. I WANT to say here - have at it! ... but I can't. I'm just not there yet I guess.
He made me realize that pretty much all my life I have been rejected in one way or another. I was changing my sister's diapers at the age of 2 because my parents wanted to go and party instead of be home with us. Rejected. That I met my dad when I was older and he chose his girlfriend over me. Rejected. How my oldest daughter's biological father wanted the attention and hung himself to get it. Not really rejected but rather scarred because before all of this he had to beat the crap out of me to make sure that I stayed in my place I guess. My ex husband would rather drink than love me and his family. Rejected. And now I am where I don't necessarily really like people, I would rather be at home with just me because who can hurt me if I'm at home? Brian is amazing but I can't take a compliment and don't feel worthy of that love which is probably why I kick him out everytime we get into an argument. So if I don't feel worthy of anyone how in the world could I feel worthy of God? I mean its GOD. And after all this rejection how can I possibly trust anyone to do anything for me ... especially take the world off of my shoulders? How could I do that? I've tried .. I've said the words but I still wake with the same burdens and so I figure okay. Okay. I get it. Its just me against the world. And I was okay with that. But then it all became too much. Way too much and I turned to Him and I asked why he wasn't there? WHY AREN'T YOU HERE GUIDING ME AND HELPING ME??? I need someone and He is supposed to be there unconditionally .... forever, no matter what. He would not reject me ... but yet while my world is falling apart all around me I still feel alone. Pastor Doug told me no. That He was there. That He has been there the whole time, its just that I didn't hear Him. I didn't hear Him because I have been programmed since I was a little girl that the only voice I hear is that you're not worthy. You're not enough. You'll never be enough. And well we know who that is ... and well I don't want to hear that voice anymore. So how do I get there I asked. How do i let go enough to trust Him, to let things go ... to build the intimate relationship that I want so badly.
Pastor Doug made so much sense to me and he didn't look down on me and make me feel bad about myself. He reminded me that yes, He loves me. That yes, I am worthy. He reminded me that He knows me better than anyone else. He created me. He knows me from the inside out. No one knows me better. And better yet He loves me.
Now I didn't walk away having what I have sought for so long .. it doesn't happen like that. Pastor Doug told me that it will take time and that I need to turn to my Bible and become a part of a family, so to speak. I'm not sure how he worded it ... but suggested that I go to growth groups so I can relate to people and become a part of them. Told me about the youth group there for the kids. I know I need to do this and its not even about need ... I mean heck I "need" to go to work everyday ... this is something that I want. I want this relationship very badly and I am willing to work for it. I don't know how to start but Pastor Doug told me baby steps and I can do that. He told me to keep reminding myself how wonderful I am and although it was hard for me, he had me say it before I left. I am wonderful.
I am wonderful. He told me that when I get the haters in my ears just tell myself that I am wonderful. That I was fearfully and abundantly made. I am wonderful. God doesn't make mistakes.
And ya know what? I think I am wonderful ... today at least. right now. And hopefully my baby step into this new relationship will make me know how wonderful I am ... and that I am worthy of His love, of Brian's love ... of my own self love.
I can't say that he made me feel better because he didn't. He didn't say woe is you and that everything will be okay. He listened to me as I told him why I felt disconnected from God and why I didn't trust to just hand over everything to someone that gives so much to people that could care less while I try to be a good person and do the right thing and things just keep getting worst and worst for me. I wasn't trying to play the victim here, I really don't understand it. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders and I WANT to hand it over to Him .. I WANT to say here - have at it! ... but I can't. I'm just not there yet I guess.
He made me realize that pretty much all my life I have been rejected in one way or another. I was changing my sister's diapers at the age of 2 because my parents wanted to go and party instead of be home with us. Rejected. That I met my dad when I was older and he chose his girlfriend over me. Rejected. How my oldest daughter's biological father wanted the attention and hung himself to get it. Not really rejected but rather scarred because before all of this he had to beat the crap out of me to make sure that I stayed in my place I guess. My ex husband would rather drink than love me and his family. Rejected. And now I am where I don't necessarily really like people, I would rather be at home with just me because who can hurt me if I'm at home? Brian is amazing but I can't take a compliment and don't feel worthy of that love which is probably why I kick him out everytime we get into an argument. So if I don't feel worthy of anyone how in the world could I feel worthy of God? I mean its GOD. And after all this rejection how can I possibly trust anyone to do anything for me ... especially take the world off of my shoulders? How could I do that? I've tried .. I've said the words but I still wake with the same burdens and so I figure okay. Okay. I get it. Its just me against the world. And I was okay with that. But then it all became too much. Way too much and I turned to Him and I asked why he wasn't there? WHY AREN'T YOU HERE GUIDING ME AND HELPING ME??? I need someone and He is supposed to be there unconditionally .... forever, no matter what. He would not reject me ... but yet while my world is falling apart all around me I still feel alone. Pastor Doug told me no. That He was there. That He has been there the whole time, its just that I didn't hear Him. I didn't hear Him because I have been programmed since I was a little girl that the only voice I hear is that you're not worthy. You're not enough. You'll never be enough. And well we know who that is ... and well I don't want to hear that voice anymore. So how do I get there I asked. How do i let go enough to trust Him, to let things go ... to build the intimate relationship that I want so badly.
Pastor Doug made so much sense to me and he didn't look down on me and make me feel bad about myself. He reminded me that yes, He loves me. That yes, I am worthy. He reminded me that He knows me better than anyone else. He created me. He knows me from the inside out. No one knows me better. And better yet He loves me.
Now I didn't walk away having what I have sought for so long .. it doesn't happen like that. Pastor Doug told me that it will take time and that I need to turn to my Bible and become a part of a family, so to speak. I'm not sure how he worded it ... but suggested that I go to growth groups so I can relate to people and become a part of them. Told me about the youth group there for the kids. I know I need to do this and its not even about need ... I mean heck I "need" to go to work everyday ... this is something that I want. I want this relationship very badly and I am willing to work for it. I don't know how to start but Pastor Doug told me baby steps and I can do that. He told me to keep reminding myself how wonderful I am and although it was hard for me, he had me say it before I left. I am wonderful.
I am wonderful. He told me that when I get the haters in my ears just tell myself that I am wonderful. That I was fearfully and abundantly made. I am wonderful. God doesn't make mistakes.
And ya know what? I think I am wonderful ... today at least. right now. And hopefully my baby step into this new relationship will make me know how wonderful I am ... and that I am worthy of His love, of Brian's love ... of my own self love.
Psalm 139:13-14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
*sigh*
I am not perfect. I have never thought of myself as perfect. I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make them ... hopefully not the same ones but I will still make mistakes. I have three great children. One of them happen to be a bit more of a handful than I ever thought could be possible, but then when do parents sit and tell you about their children's faults? I always want to brag about my kids ... even the troublemaker, I do not want to ever tell you or anyone that there are some days I just want to give up and other days that I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I have prayed. I have read books. I have gone to counseling. I have joined sites on the internet for support. But yet, I continue to struggle with her and the worst that it gets the more that I feel I have failed. Not as a parent but her. I feel that I have failed her. Life is tough. We all know it and I know that she has had plenty to deal with .. the thing I guess is, is that everyone deals with things differently. She doesn't do so well. Sometimes I wonder if I had a stronger hand growing up if I would've been like her. I was coddled, spoiled and my mistakes were always kinda grazed over and instead of learning from them I was kinda taught to forget them. My grandmother is a great person and as I have said before she is my best friend, but confrontation is something that she doesn't do. If she feels you are doing wrong or disagrees with you she doesn't tend to express it. She might tell someone else, but she doesn't ever tell you. So maybe I'm missing something. Maybe something was wrong as I grew up that I needed to learn and I didn't ... maybe that is why I am a failure for my daughter. Maybe its because growing up I had it all and didn't know struggle and didn't know broken families. I don't know. I don't know what she is dealing with. I wish I did. I wish I knew so that maybe I could help her more than I am. I wish I could take away all of her hurt and the voices in her head and the struggle that she has. I really do, but I can't. And I can't fix it either and that is probably the worst part. I AM HER MOTHER! I am supposed to fix everything. I am supposed to make everything better and put a band aid on, sing a song and she is supposed to be okay and that is not what is happening. Its not what is happening and I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do about it. NO IDEA. I am lost and broken all at once and not because of what I have to deal with, but because I don't know what to do for her.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
never giving up
One day I'll figure it out. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I will. One thing I know is that I wont give up. I wont give up on her, not now, not ever. I feel for her. I can't really imagine what she is going through but then I kinda feel for me because of what she is putting me through. Putting me and my family through. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I want to fix this. I want everything to just be okay and go on with our days without something new coming up, but that's just not going to happen. I've done this for so long with her I thought that I would have this down pat by now but yet I feel like I'm not even close.
When its come to her I've always felt alone. I always felt that I was the only one that could really understand her but then there's more days than not that I'm like what the heck is she doing and why? I always question what I have done to make her hate me ... what I have done to make her make so many cruel things up about me, but I know its not me. I'm a good mom. I know that I am. When I was married I was supposed to have a partner in this. I was supposed to have someone to turn to on my dark days when I was trying to be strong for her. Because wow is it hard to be strong for her ... but then one day he told me that he couldn't do it with her anymore and that I was on my own. Of course it upset me and I was like how can her own dad just give up on her? And then it was like dominoes. Everyone started giving up on her. No one wanted her around, she was blamed for everything, she was banned from people's homes ... but I stood beside her. She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally ... I will be there to catch her when she falls. I might let her scrape her knees a few times so she will learn but I will never leave her ... I will never give up on her like so many have.
I realize that she brings this on herself, I know that she needs more than most teens her age. I'm trying but its a long road and I'm so scared that I'm going to run out of time.
So she runs away. I shut down. Where is my daughter? I miss her .. I am worried .. I just want her home. She has huge consequences that she has to face but I am still there, right next to her. My rock was my husband, her step dad. But now ... now he has given up on her too. So again, I feel alone.
I don't and won't ever justify her actions and she will always pay the price .. but she is my daughter and I will always love her and I will continue to show her the right way and just hope and just pray that she will follow the right path.
I hope she realizes how much I love her and how deep my love for her really is. I hope that she knows that my hand is always here for her to hold and that if she wants to lay with me and cuddle and cry that its okay and I'll be there for that too. I tell her. She is too big for that though.
I guess its just me and her against the world. That's okay. I'll figure this out. I will be strong for her. She will be a wonderful woman and be successful ... but I just wonder who is going to be strong for me. On the outside I can conquer and do anything but behind closed doors I am nothing but a mess. And when the going gets tough as it will ... I will do everything I possibly can for her and I will be her backbone if she needs me to be and I will teach her the lessons that she needs to be taught and then I will be there to hug her when she feels the guilt and remorse. But when I am done consoling her and she has that beautiful smile on her face, who is going to help me put my pieces back together ...
I'm so sorry that everyone has given up on her ... I'm not sure that I blame them although I don't understand how you would do that to someone that you love. Alyssa is such a great person, she really is. She has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in one person, the smile that will make you want to talk to her, beauty that is stunning and a personality that makes you smile and that's the Alyssa that I'm going to make sure everyone knows. That's the Alyssa that I know everyone loves. The other part of her is the one that we're going to work on. She is troubled. She needs me. But I still love her even when shes troubled ... I will never give up on her and shame on those that have because eventually she will be okay and I will be proud of her and she will should be proud of herself.
Lord watch over my daughter and take her fears away, calm her thoughts and let her know how much she is loved. I know that You are perfect Lord and that You will help us get through anything. Show Yourself into Alyssa's heart and show her how wonderful Your love is. Amen.
When its come to her I've always felt alone. I always felt that I was the only one that could really understand her but then there's more days than not that I'm like what the heck is she doing and why? I always question what I have done to make her hate me ... what I have done to make her make so many cruel things up about me, but I know its not me. I'm a good mom. I know that I am. When I was married I was supposed to have a partner in this. I was supposed to have someone to turn to on my dark days when I was trying to be strong for her. Because wow is it hard to be strong for her ... but then one day he told me that he couldn't do it with her anymore and that I was on my own. Of course it upset me and I was like how can her own dad just give up on her? And then it was like dominoes. Everyone started giving up on her. No one wanted her around, she was blamed for everything, she was banned from people's homes ... but I stood beside her. She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally ... I will be there to catch her when she falls. I might let her scrape her knees a few times so she will learn but I will never leave her ... I will never give up on her like so many have.
I realize that she brings this on herself, I know that she needs more than most teens her age. I'm trying but its a long road and I'm so scared that I'm going to run out of time.
So she runs away. I shut down. Where is my daughter? I miss her .. I am worried .. I just want her home. She has huge consequences that she has to face but I am still there, right next to her. My rock was my husband, her step dad. But now ... now he has given up on her too. So again, I feel alone.
I don't and won't ever justify her actions and she will always pay the price .. but she is my daughter and I will always love her and I will continue to show her the right way and just hope and just pray that she will follow the right path.
I hope she realizes how much I love her and how deep my love for her really is. I hope that she knows that my hand is always here for her to hold and that if she wants to lay with me and cuddle and cry that its okay and I'll be there for that too. I tell her. She is too big for that though.
I guess its just me and her against the world. That's okay. I'll figure this out. I will be strong for her. She will be a wonderful woman and be successful ... but I just wonder who is going to be strong for me. On the outside I can conquer and do anything but behind closed doors I am nothing but a mess. And when the going gets tough as it will ... I will do everything I possibly can for her and I will be her backbone if she needs me to be and I will teach her the lessons that she needs to be taught and then I will be there to hug her when she feels the guilt and remorse. But when I am done consoling her and she has that beautiful smile on her face, who is going to help me put my pieces back together ...
I'm so sorry that everyone has given up on her ... I'm not sure that I blame them although I don't understand how you would do that to someone that you love. Alyssa is such a great person, she really is. She has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in one person, the smile that will make you want to talk to her, beauty that is stunning and a personality that makes you smile and that's the Alyssa that I'm going to make sure everyone knows. That's the Alyssa that I know everyone loves. The other part of her is the one that we're going to work on. She is troubled. She needs me. But I still love her even when shes troubled ... I will never give up on her and shame on those that have because eventually she will be okay and I will be proud of her and she will should be proud of herself.
Lord watch over my daughter and take her fears away, calm her thoughts and let her know how much she is loved. I know that You are perfect Lord and that You will help us get through anything. Show Yourself into Alyssa's heart and show her how wonderful Your love is. Amen.
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