I can't say that he made me feel better because he didn't. He didn't say woe is you and that everything will be okay. He listened to me as I told him why I felt disconnected from God and why I didn't trust to just hand over everything to someone that gives so much to people that could care less while I try to be a good person and do the right thing and things just keep getting worst and worst for me. I wasn't trying to play the victim here, I really don't understand it. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders and I WANT to hand it over to Him .. I WANT to say here - have at it! ... but I can't. I'm just not there yet I guess.
He made me realize that pretty much all my life I have been rejected in one way or another. I was changing my sister's diapers at the age of 2 because my parents wanted to go and party instead of be home with us. Rejected. That I met my dad when I was older and he chose his girlfriend over me. Rejected. How my oldest daughter's biological father wanted the attention and hung himself to get it. Not really rejected but rather scarred because before all of this he had to beat the crap out of me to make sure that I stayed in my place I guess. My ex husband would rather drink than love me and his family. Rejected. And now I am where I don't necessarily really like people, I would rather be at home with just me because who can hurt me if I'm at home? Brian is amazing but I can't take a compliment and don't feel worthy of that love which is probably why I kick him out everytime we get into an argument. So if I don't feel worthy of anyone how in the world could I feel worthy of God? I mean its GOD. And after all this rejection how can I possibly trust anyone to do anything for me ... especially take the world off of my shoulders? How could I do that? I've tried .. I've said the words but I still wake with the same burdens and so I figure okay. Okay. I get it. Its just me against the world. And I was okay with that. But then it all became too much. Way too much and I turned to Him and I asked why he wasn't there? WHY AREN'T YOU HERE GUIDING ME AND HELPING ME??? I need someone and He is supposed to be there unconditionally .... forever, no matter what. He would not reject me ... but yet while my world is falling apart all around me I still feel alone. Pastor Doug told me no. That He was there. That He has been there the whole time, its just that I didn't hear Him. I didn't hear Him because I have been programmed since I was a little girl that the only voice I hear is that you're not worthy. You're not enough. You'll never be enough. And well we know who that is ... and well I don't want to hear that voice anymore. So how do I get there I asked. How do i let go enough to trust Him, to let things go ... to build the intimate relationship that I want so badly.
Pastor Doug made so much sense to me and he didn't look down on me and make me feel bad about myself. He reminded me that yes, He loves me. That yes, I am worthy. He reminded me that He knows me better than anyone else. He created me. He knows me from the inside out. No one knows me better. And better yet He loves me.
Now I didn't walk away having what I have sought for so long .. it doesn't happen like that. Pastor Doug told me that it will take time and that I need to turn to my Bible and become a part of a family, so to speak. I'm not sure how he worded it ... but suggested that I go to growth groups so I can relate to people and become a part of them. Told me about the youth group there for the kids. I know I need to do this and its not even about need ... I mean heck I "need" to go to work everyday ... this is something that I want. I want this relationship very badly and I am willing to work for it. I don't know how to start but Pastor Doug told me baby steps and I can do that. He told me to keep reminding myself how wonderful I am and although it was hard for me, he had me say it before I left. I am wonderful.
I am wonderful. He told me that when I get the haters in my ears just tell myself that I am wonderful. That I was fearfully and abundantly made. I am wonderful. God doesn't make mistakes.
And ya know what? I think I am wonderful ... today at least. right now. And hopefully my baby step into this new relationship will make me know how wonderful I am ... and that I am worthy of His love, of Brian's love ... of my own self love.
Psalm 139:13-14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
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