On to new things ... oh boy

This blog was supposed to be about the struggles that I have as a single mother and it kind of turned into my struggle with a teenage daughter.  Which I guess kind of goes with being a single mom and not because of my status but because I feel kind of alone at times when I am struggling with her.  Brian is great but he is not "there" yet.  He struggles as to what he should do and honestly I'm not sure how that would go with the kids.  Eventually it will be there because ... well he's another adult in the house ... and he should be respected as well.  And not that he will be the discipline in the home or things like that, but he shouldn't have to put up with it either. 

But today I am writing because I am in hopes that we are on a good path.  It hasn't started yet (the good part) but I'm hoping to realistically be there soon. Its going to require a lot of patience on my end and I am praying for it.  REALLY praying for it. 

Alyssa and I are going to counseling and I think the counselor is great and he makes a whole lot of sense and I think a lot of parents would be against what he says for that matter but I am pretty open-minded and I agree with most of what he says.  Out of control children are the product of their parents.  Basically we let her get away with so much that she has taken over.  And not get away with breaking the rules or things like that but being argumentative and yelling, etc.  She was diagnosed with bipolar and although I NEVER let her use that as a crutch for her behavior ... I think I did it sub-consciously.  When she would have tantrums or her screaming fits they were ignored because ... well she was sick.  And that basically gave her permission to do it.  When she would yell and scream and I lost my patience, I would yell back and she would mimick my actions.  Because as a parent we are role models.  And if I am modeling my behavior by yelling and screaming at a situation then that is what she is learning and that is what she is being taught is the right way to do things.  Instead of ignoring her ... instead of yelling at her, I should've told her that her behavior was not acceptable.  I should have given her acceptable punishments.  I should've followed through on more things. 

I've never really believed in grounding a child.  I never believed in this punishment because really what is that teaching them.  No freedom.  But go into your room and play your games ... watch tv ... but you are grounded.  Yah. Not really doing much.  And taking those things away from them for two, three or whatever days ... well eventually the parent is getting punished.  An hour in their room without these things and come out and do what you're supposed to or go back ... that is feasible.  When we were in one of our counseling sessions, the counselor said this to us.  You do what what you're supposed to do or go to your room for an hour.  After the hour you follow the rules ... if you don't then you return to your room ... and it goes on and on.  The counselor says "who is going to give up" and Alyssa laughed and said "mom".  Great.  Completely called me out on it and I didn't even realize it.  Well I kind of did but she knew it and thats not a good thing.  I always thought I followed through on my punishments.  But I give up too quickly.  Following through doesn't count if you do it half ass.  Go to your room for an hour doesn't mean after 20 minutes come out and let the dogs out for me.  It doesn't mean come out to eat your dinner. It means an hour.  But I never thought of it this way.

So we have started.  I'm still not too great at this.  Its early though.  I told her one night to clean the living room and she went to bed instead.  Normally I would just throw my hands up and say whatever and do it myself. This time though I woke her up and made her do it.  I watched her and she thought she was done several times but I pointed more out to her to do.  Thats the next step.  Writing it all down.  Leaving nothing unsaid so they can't come back and say "I didnt know".  And I mean details.  I have three tables in the living room and they're all listed individually and what to do to each one.  The list is long and probably overwhelming, but it looks worst than it really is.  We'll see what happens when she uses it.  The other thing is when they say they're done with their chores.  I just say "ok".  Again. This is known which .. again .. is not a good thing.  So they say they're done, they know I'm not checking, they get to do what they want and guess what? I'm left with finishing it because they're gone.  I've said ok.  *SIGH* ... so I have to get off my lazy butt and check.  This only ensures that they follow through with things.  Which is teaching them a lot more than cleaning house. I know this will only help develop things for their future in many other aspects of their lives.

So these few things sound pretty simple.  It hasn't been though.  The counselor said that it will only get worst before it gets any better.  She will retaliate more and she will be even more defiant.  I cant wait.  So next week is when all of these things start.  Where I will become more involved in everything that they do.  Not that I havent been ... but playing games and watching tv with the kids doesn't really constitute being a parent.  I am a good mom.  I'm really doing the best that I possibly can do.  I cook, I clean, I provide, I hug, I kiss, I mend fever and coughs, I help with homework, I talk to other parents, I talk to their friends, I do the things that I know that I am supposed to do.  I just need to do more to make sure they're okay when they leave me.

Now you see I keep referring to all of my children.  I have only one defiant child.  But when it comes to chores, when it comes to grounding, when it comes to punishments ... I treat them all the same.  Half-ass.  So I am going to put 100% into this and make sure that they are everything that I want them to be ... everything that I know they can be and a good part of society.  This is just the first step.  There are more.  But only baby steps.  Too much at once will only constitute more chaos.

So I am going to blog as much as I can about my experiences about this journey that I am about to take ... and I will learn as much as they do.  This will be good ... for all of us. 

You're not my Dad!!

No. He's not your dad.  And I knew that I would hear this eventually.  I wasn't sure when it was going to come up but it has.  I think I felt a little bad for Brian when this was said, although he knows his place in our home and he knows he is not "dad".  But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about them.  He reminds them of the things their supposed to do ... we butt heads quite a bit because he feels that I baby them...  He takes them to the store with him or has them help with yard work or he talks to them and gives the best advice that he can (except girl stuff, he doesn't touch girl stuff).  This doesn't make him dad .. it makes him an adult in the house that they have to respect.  In return, they get respect back.  All in all my kids and Brian have a wonderful relationship.  I don't know if they know what kind of relationship they have with him just yet and I'm not sure he knows either .. but its a good one nonetheless.  The thing is, is that Brian gives my kids more respect and looks over them more than their dad ever did.  I'm not saying that their dad isn't a good dad ... I think he might have come around a bit with them, but he just wants them busy and to leave him alone.  Brian wants them to do things either with him or not ... he just wants them occupied to fulfill their minds.  Brian isn't their dad though.  Their dad is a drunk.  Their dad is emotionally abusive.  Their dad sees them only four times a month.  Their dad is the "cool" one who gets to have lots of cookouts and buy presents for them when he wants.  Their dad is less than a part-time parent.  I hope Brian is proud that he not their dad ... he's much better.

Is it terrible to even think of hating one of your own ...

I never in a million years ever thought that I could hate my own child.  I still don't think I hate her, I love her so much but I am just drained.   I am drained emotionally, physically and mentally ... but this is what she thrives on.  She wants me to be drained so that I give up and just give in.  I try to be a little lenient but then I try to be strict because it is MY job to make sure my children succeed and do well in life.  I can only do so much but I am taking the job description pretty serious.  She wants so many positive things for her future and they all are pretty realistic but the things that she does now is leading her on the wrong path ... I try to tell her this.  And those who know me, know that I don't sugar coat much but she doesn't get it.  I have drug tested her (and no she didn't pass) but she didn't care.  She passes the buck on to anyone else around her but yet we all know that she is the one responsible.  She can be holding something that she stole but yet look you dead in the eye and tell you that she didn't do it and she just doesn't know who did.  She will even carry on for another hour or so just WONDERING who in the world took that!  "Mom, if I'm getting blamed for something that I didn't do, I want to know who did" ... then about 2 hours later she admits to her wrongdoing.  I have tried everything.  I have tried every single form of punishment there was.  You name it and I have done it.  I have whooped her, I have grounded her, I have made her do extra chores, I have taken her door from her hinges, I have given her earlier curfews ... I have nothing left in me.  She doesnt want to be at home although she says she does.  I had to file unruliness charges against her but she doesn't care about that either.  We're waiting on a court date and I am honestly hoping that she goes to juvi.  Just to show her a lesson because none of mine work.  I have read books ... I have read internet site ... I have done all that I can possibly do ... and if someones says well you're not doing this, then I will!!! ... I have listened to sermons .. I have prayed to God ... I have just collapsed in exhaustion onto my bed hoping that someone would just come and whisk me away to get rid of the noise.  I just want her to be okay .. I want her to be a teenager but not a reckless one ... I have three children and two of them I know will succeed ... this one I am scared for.  I am very scared for.

Time is supposed to heal ....

They say when you lose a loved one that time heals the pain.  I'm not sure that is so.  I think time helps the depression perhaps go away but its still the little things that make me remember and miss my Poppy more than words could possibly say.  The day he passed and my birthday are two days that I have trouble with.  I'm not even sure why my birthday but its when his passing really hits me.  I think especially since my grandma had a stroke its been worst for me ... and wishing he was here to protect her and make sure she is okay every day.  I know that all her kids care for her, but I also think they are upsetting her the most.  I miss him for her and it hurts me to know how much she misses him as well.  Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be ... but it hurt a lot because of the life changes that I am going through and hes not hear to guide me to give me advice or just to watch in approval.  I want to share things with him and hear his response and I'm unable to do that.  I miss him terribly.  I love him so much and although I have always said that I don't live with regret I wish I would've told him more how much I loved him.

It gets harder and harder ...

I have always wanted a great relationship with my daughters.  I had always envisioned us sitting around and talking about this that or the other and how they would come to me about everything.  Thats now how it happened though.  It took a little while for my oldest to come around.  Her and I have a pretty great relationship and she is really awesome.  I am so very proud of her.  My son even comes to me and talks to me about everything and he is absolutely amazing.  My middle daughter however ... well I don't even know what to say about her.  I love her.  I love her with all my heart but she is making terrible choices in life and she doesnt want to listen to me or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I wonder if I hate her.  I know that she is my own blood and how could I possibly hate her but sometimes I wonder.  She is so mean to me.  She is rude and she causes such an uproar in the house.  She has no filter on her mouth no matter where we're at and at times its embarrassing because I'm just not sure what to do with her.  I've done everything.  I'm truly by every definition of the word exhausted.  I don't even know what to write today except that I just want what is best for her and I hope she gets a million gold roses in life ... but she needs to earn them and shes not going down that path.  shes not earning much of anything.

Me vs. Her

I have struggled for so long now with Alyssa.  I don't know what to do with her anymore.  I have grounded her, I have added extra chores, I have prohibited her from seeing friends, talking on the phone, taken away her phone and her computer, blocked access to any internet that she could possibly get a hold of but yet ... she still defies me.  I have to lock up Brittney's clothes so that she doesn't wear them.  I have to hide money and cigarettes so she doesn't steal them.  I have to have my son lock his door at night so she can't intimidate him into letting her on the computer.  I am at the end of my rope and just don't know anymore.  Last night she didn't want to come home ... we kept going back and forth with each other through text because she wouldn't answer the phone.  I ended up having to call the police.  I had no other option.  It hurt me but what else is there left for me to do.  I ended up pressing charges against her and now we will have to go to court so they can decide what to do with her.  Brian said that they will probably ask me what I want done.  I don't even know anymore.  I feel bad but at the same time maybe this is what she needs.  I'm just kinda lost.  I love my children so much and try to do what I can for them ... but I can't help them if they don't let me.

I wonder sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I am over the top like some seem to say.  That maybe I overreact just a bit.  This kinda boggles my mind though because I am pretty aware of who I am.  Whether its a good thing or not, I at least know what people might dislike about me and what they might like about me.  I am pretty comfortable with myself though and don't really intend to change.

I've been excited about my upcoming wedding.  Not that we can afford all the bells and whistles, but its still going to be a fairytale.  I was talking to one of my brothers and well he just didn't seem interested.  I told him that if I could afford it that I would get married next month.  He told me to just wait and get to know Brian better.  I wasn't really serious. I dont think.  It was kind of a hypothetical statement I guess.  Brian is a great guy, there is no doubt about that.  Brian has a past though.  Although his past doesn't effect me OR my kids I'm okay with it.  We've all done stupid shit in our younger days, unfortunately his kinda follows him.  So it is what it is.  He is perfect in my eyes and treats me great.  Except when he's "grumpy".  Now grumpy to me means any kind of anger ... I use grumpy because it just sounds nicer.  Brian works hard and he is tired.  I completely understand that, but when hes overtired he says things that just aren't nice.  I have a past and unfortunately my past doesn't follow me, it just haunts me.  So when Brian says things to me that I take personal out of anger it upsets me greatly.  I told him last night (after a grumpy moment) that maybe it was best if we put the wedding off.  I explained to him it was merely because I've seen sides of him lately that I don't like and it makes me not sure if I want to "deal" with that for the rest of my life.  Now I am a bitch.  I know that I am.  I get constant mood swings as part of my bipolar disorder.  I recognize it for the most part but there are times when I am just crazy pissed off for no apparent reason.  I yell and I'm irritable but I NEVER say things that would hurt someone's feelings.  Its just not me. 

So this is why I wonder if I overreact.  Because of my past, my bitterness and my own issues do I do this to push away? Do I do it because it sincerely upsets me? Do I do it to get a nicer reaction?  I'm not quite sure why I do it.  I need to figure it out though because I love him so much and I don't want to be the person that is jsut "put up with" ... I want everything to be as perfect as he is in my eyes.  Everything.  Including how I react to things. 

Something to chew on I guess.

I came on here not sure what I was going to write about today.  Not that I write daily to begin with.  The one thing that keeps coming to my mind though is my sister.  She is having a tough time right now with her son.  He is mentally challenged.  Not as in mental retardation but a mental disorder.  He went into a manic rage the other day and physically threatened her as well as my daughter.  What disturbed me most about this was that my sister just came home from the hospital after having neck surgery.  As I told her, that I, of all people, understand.  I go through something like this almost daily with Alyssa.  The thing is ... is that I try EVERYTHING to control her.  In my opinion, so anyone can take it for what it is, he lacks discipline.  She might think that she punishes him by "beating his ass" but it doesnt do any good even for a child that doesnt have mental problems.  She takes nothing away from him for bad behavior, bad grades or a sassy mouth ... so if nothing gets taken why should he stop?  I'm not even saying that he would stop, but it hasnt been tried either.  He has his license.  That is a privilege. But I dont think he knows what privileges are because everything he has was given to him and nothing earned.  Its almost sad.  I cant say its entirely her fault ... I think she gets so aggravated at times that she just gives in to what seems to be the easiest but I dont think she has yet realized how hard it is to have a child that has an illness.  For that I am sad for her and for him.  I can only hope and pray that he gets the help that he needs and that she gets help along the way to guide her to be the best parent she can ... because although he is almost 17, she will always be his mom and parenting never stops.  I love my sister and only want the best for her.  But I'm scared for her too.

I have this problem with alcohol.  Its not my consumption of it .. its being around it and people consuming it.  People just don't understand what alcohol does to people, marriages, relationships ... they just don't get it.  Maybe they don't care to know or maybe they don't really think about it.  I was married to an alcoholic.  I made excuses for him to my family, I hid a lot of things that happened at home because I didn't want him to be judged.  I guess when you're married, you're supposed to protect your own.  Thats what I felt I was doing.  I was protecting.  But the thing was, was that I couldn't talk to anyone about it because then they would know.  Later on I would find out that they already knew but as far as I was concerned it was my secret that I would never tell anyone.  When I worked a second job he would pass out and I would have to walk home because I couldnt get a hold of anyone to come and get me.  I would find beer cans under the cushions in the couch, in the oven .. it didnt matter where, they were there.  He was not a good person when he was drinking.  I knew when he had a beer or many beers.  His whole demeanor changed.  He didn't care what he said to you and the way he would talk to me or the kids ... it was just abusive.  Alcohol changes people.  When him and I first got together I thought he was my knight in shining armor because see, I was told that now that I had a child no one would want me.  He did.  I thought I was in love and I thought that we beat the odds and at such a young age were married and stayed together.  When people asked me how long we were married I was proud to say 10 years .. 11 years ... whatever it was, I was proud because I wanted to be with someone that long ... for my life.  But it always came back to him drinking.  We tried the rules.  You can only drink on these days, with me, after this time ... i mean it was insane and it never worked.  I tried to just turn a blind eye to it but then my kids would be scared if they saw the beer can or he would start in on them about something and I couldnt keep quiet then.  Then it would turn into a huge argument and eventually he would pass out after he told me how worthless I was.  Sometimes it made me angry but most of the time I just felt hopeless.  I didnt want a divorce.  I wanted the dream that everyone else wanted.  I wanted to be in love and happy and married.  I worked two jobs and went to school.  It made me feel important, or so I thought but it was just an escape for me so I didnt have to deal with anything ... unfortunately I was so broken at this point I didnt think of my kids having to deal with him instead.  They turned to their friends and/or other hobbies because he just didnt care what they did.  I came home ... helped with homework, made dinner, and then off I went to work or school.  The kids cleaned and occassionally they even grocery shopped.  My friends and close ones will tell you how frugal I am when it comes to groceries and I had an 11 year old who could shop for the week on $80.00 because of what I taught her.  Great huh? No. Sad because her dad just didnt want to.  Now I cant say he was drunk all the time because he wasnt.  And I think he sincerely cared for me and for our kids ... I just don't think he knew how to do it.  He wanted to do what he wanted, the way he wanted and that was that.  He didn't care about getting a job that I told him he should look into because I was the one that said it ... he was going to do it his way.  So we lived on my income which I was totally okay with, the problem was ... he didnt do anything at home either.  I finally decided to leave.  When I did I met a man that was absolutely the dream I have always thought of.  The one that is beyond reach, except he was there ... waiting and willing for that matter.  But the alcohol still haunted me.  He wasnt a drunk by any means ... it was every now and then, but he didnt know when to stop.  Alcohol would get the best of him and he became a jerk.  I didnt want to let him go because of that, but thats what it started looking like.  I couldnt lead that life again. I would come home and there would be beer in the fridge and I would count it because its what I did.  And it would sit there for days .. because he just didnt drink like that.  And when we were home having a few drinks, we had a great time.  But everytime he would mention having a drink when we were out, I would kind of just shut down.  First, I didn't like telling him that it was because of my ex-husband and second, I definitely didn't want him to think that I was comparing.  It was kind of hard not to though because of what I had been through and most important what my kids had been through.  So one day it came up.  It was hard for it not to because he was just ridiculous and I had to say something.  I love him so much and I hated thinking that we were going to be apart.  I cried at the thought of it and just kept wondering why I wasn't enough for someone.  My ex of all those years couldnt give up drinking because it was ruining us ... I wasnt good enough and now I knew it was going to begin again.  So I spilled it.  Then the oddest thing happened.  He said he would stop.  Not stop being an asshole, but stop the drinking.  Now of course, I had heard this before and I was like, yah for how long and blah blah ... but he was aware of it and he knew that he was hurting me and he made an effort.  We dont have rules and we drink usually at home when we do ... I havent gotten the guts to venture out yet, but whats important to me is that I am more important to him than any drink.  Its new to me and it makes me happy and makes me smile and it makes me love him even more.

Me vs. Teenagers

Its hard to make your children understand why their dad and you broke up and not only to understand it, but to accept it.  When I told them what was happening and I was moving out, what happened next shocked me.  You think you know your kids and can anticipate reaction.  At first it was typical, tears and why, things like that.  We had it settled, the kids would finish the school year out and stay with me when they weren't in school.  My oldest was a junior in high school, she wanted to graduate from the same school ... my youngest doesn't like change so I didn't want to do that to him in the middle of the school year and my middle ... well I'm still not sure, I just kept her there.  To my surprise, about two weeks later my son told me he wanted to change schools and come live with me.  I was so ecstatic.  I missed my kids so much.  So he came and I enrolled him in school and everything went great.  Then the ex and I thought we might want to reconcile ... so we tried and everyone changed schools.  Not because they wanted to, but because due to some unforeseen circumstances, they had to.  The reconciliation didn't last long and he moved back out and then my middle daughter moved with him.  She is a handful, so its awful to say ... I didn't mind.  The house was chaos with her.  She is the reason I write this blog today.  Although my ex didn't do much with the kids or for the kids, it was easy to say that he was around to take some of the brunt when things turned tough.  My middle daughter now lives with me (he got drunk and kicked her out), and she has for quite some time now.  Every day it is something new. I have her medicated (she has bipolar disorder) and I try to be absolutely as patient as I can ... but it doesn't last long.  She lies, she steals, she is defiant ... out of control.  And although I have a wonderful man who stands beside me through all of this ... I still feel alone when it comes to dealing with her.  She isn't his responsibility, he's an adult, not authority to her ... actually I'm still trying to figure out what his role is when it comes to my kids.  I'm going to marry him but we're not married yet ... but thats for another blog I guess.  I can share my feelings with him and his shoulder is always there for me to cry on, but I know he doesn't understand and he doesn't share it with me in that sense.  Honestly, I'm not sure if her dad even does ... but at one time I thought he did at least and it made things a little better.  The wonderful man I have now understands that I am hurt and he shares that emotion with me ... because he loves me.  But I still feel alone.  I love my daughter very much .. I love all my kids, and with all kids they each have their own little personality.  She has the biggest personality you have ever seen.  You take her somewhere and she will make new friends immediately, she makes you laugh, she is beautiful, she has a heart of gold ... but when you get her home, she becomes a liar, a rebel, a thief, sneaky, defiant, truant, etc etc ... when I have shared my journey with her with others and they meet her, they automatically assume that I exaggerated.  You can usually point out the "bad" ones and she is a complete shock to see like that.  Even family, at first, didn't believe.  So yesterday she decided not to come home on time.  I have to work and so I was not at home.  My daughter and boyfriend both looked everywhere for her.  I was at a loss and at work, so I couldnt help.  I was not even worried which is the worst part I think, because I knew she was just being a butthead and would turn up.  It was the point, which is why I had people looking for her.  And she did turn up.  Two hours after she was supposed to.  I came in the door and told her that I was calling the police because I just couldn't do this anymore.  Let someone that is above me take care of this, because my rules aren't being followed.  She just looked at me and said "can I eat dinner first".  I answered no, because it only made me more angry that she just didnt plain care.  Of course I let her eat.  The officer arrived.  He spoke to me. He spoke to her.  She got to stay home .. this time.  It wasn't because I made an empty threat, it was because the officer wanted to make sure she was aware of what was going to happen next time.  It didn't break my heart to call the police.  I broke me period.  I've done it before because of her running away or because she was just simply out of control ... but this time was different.  I was completely done.  I literally cannot handle anymore because I just don't know what to do.  I have tried everything and I have this little 90lb child controlling everything and everyone because it all has to be about her.  We have to make sure shes home, make sure shes where she is supposed to be, make sure shes not on the phone, make sure she checks in, no computer, did she take her medicine, stop yelling at your sister, dont boss your brother around ... it is ALL ABOUT HER.  Her sister and her do not get along and I dont think its because they dont like each other, I think its because her sister resents her.  She gets all the attention ... and not directly but thats how I have to revolve my life and schedule.  I have to make sure she is busy somehow.  So I sit and I cry inside and I wonder what will happen and can I do this?  I know I can ... but being alone and doing it just makes it harder.  Even when I called her dad to tell him what was going on, he was too drunk to even carry on a conversation with me.  And not that I want to talk to him often, but because I felt a little lost in the situation, it was his daughter too and I think I was disappointed to not be able to share that mutual feeling of being lost.  But he was only lost because he was drunk.  In fact, he was probably literally lost and had no idea where he was to begin with.  It will always hurt that I couldn't mean more to him than his beer, but I know that I am better without him and so are the kids.  Maybe one day this feeling of being alone will fade and I can share the emotions with Brian together ... but for right now, its just me against a 15 yr old and the world.

and so it begins ...

I've always commended single mothers and had even more respect for them when I became one.  It's truly exhausting.  But what's more exhausting is when they look forward to going to their dads every other weekend and he cancels at least 50% of the time.  Its always because he has to work late or he reads the divorce papers like he should be reading the Bible and calls me just to tell me its "my weekend" because the holiday is coming.  I have my children all the time … I don’t mind it, not even a little.  They are my entire world. They are what make me smile every day.  They are also what make me yell every day lol … but we get through it and we grow from it.  I'm not perfect.  I hope they think I am though.

The next holiday is Memorial Day, he had them on Easter so it's obvious it's "my" holiday.  I didn't need to look at the divorce papers to figure it out.  I am excited to cook out and have a day off with all three of them, however because Memorial Day is "my" holiday apparently, according to the divorce papers, it's also my weekend.  Uh, no. Its not.  My conversation to him went a little like this: Him: you get them this weekend. Me: what's so different than every other weekend. Him: well it's your holiday, I read the divorce papers. Me: Don't you have them memorized yet? Him: just wanted to tell you. Me: I don’t think it is, it seems you want to duck out of visitation every time, don't you think I need a break sometimes? Him: I didn’t know you got a break in parenting.  WOH! STOP RIGHT THERE!! Did he just say that?  I forgot that I have them all day every day, that I am the one who makes them do their chores, brush their teeth, comb their hair, homework, hug them when they're crying, defend them when they've been wronged … I do these things, and I do it with pride.  Every day.  I don’t get to cook for just one person, wake up when I want to … for that matter I don't get to hear quiet and its okay.  But don't you DARE tell me that you didn't know that parenting had a break … HE LIVES THAT BREAK!  And when I say, "hey I think I might need a little time to myself", I'm the one pawning them off. 

So I sit here and I think.  Do I force him to take the kids because he is supposed to and I just want to be the bitch that I am or do I keep my children home because honestly I don't care if they go or not.  Then I realize.  They are my children.  They live with me and who would I be hurting by sending them there when he doesn’t want them there.  It would be them.  Why would I want them to be somewhere they're clearly not welcome.  So whatever.  They get to stay home.  That was easy. 

Now how do I tell them?  Obviously I could be the one to make their dad look like the bad guy but again, I would be the one hurting them by saying these things to them.  He gets off easy because he doesn’t have to be there to see their hurt faces or hear them beg to go anyways.  I'm always the bad guy anyways, so I should be used to it.

I not only have this great respect for single mothers but I also admire the children that are a product of this kind of home.  Although my children hate me now, they will one day know that I've done everything and will continue to do everything to make sure their world was filled with many more smiles than tears.  At least I hope they do.

I'm going to be fine

I am still getting used to being divorced.  Its kind of a hard road.  And not because I am divorced but because I failed at something.  I guess maybe you could say it was my first real lesson in not being able to change people that they have to want to change.  And unfortunately he didn't.  He liked his beer more than me.  We were married almost 15 years but it definitely wasn't a smooth ride.  I always thought it was because marriage is work .. which it is .. but it was much more than that.  I know that now.  Looking back I see how miserable I was but I stayed because I was persistent.  I used to tell people that I knew he was a good guy and that one day he was going to stop drinking and I was going to be the one that was around for that.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't stay any longer.  I would find beer cans in our box spring where he had hid them ... under the couch, in the couch cushions ... wherever he could find to hide them so that I wouldnt know he was drinking.  The thing is though, is that I ALWAYS knew when he was drinking.  He could have one beer and I knew.  He will deny this but he knows I am right.  His demeanor completely changed ... yes, even after one beer.  He wanted to argue about things that just didn't matter ... he yelled at the kids more than usual and just the tiniest things would frustrate him.  I think I knew it was time to go was when I found my oldest daughter - 15 at the time I think - rummaging through the garbage.  When I asked her what she was doing, she looked at me and said "Dad doesn't act like this unless he's drinking".  I just kinda stood there.  I told her to stop and that I would find the answer for her.  Now I knew why she was digging through garbage ... because she had seen me do it.  But unfortunately she had also seen me find the beer cans and throw them at him, I don't know if she would do that or not, she jsut wanted proof.  She was looking for an answer just like I had for all those years ... was he acting like this because he was drinking?  I think that was when it was just kinda done for me.  I stuck around and we still had our ups and downs and some might even say that the last year of our marriage was our best, but I was already done.  I had given up and my heart was no longer there.  I had tried for all those years, nothing got better .. we just got older and I just got quieter about things is all.  He wasn't always a bad guy ... we had some laughs and I think even some fun, but the thing is, is that it wasn't enough anymore.  He said that by the time he saw that he was losing me that I was already too far gone to bring back up.  But he never tried to bring me back up was the thing.  He let me sit in my depression alone.  He saw how exhausted I was working all day, coming home to work a second job and making dinner and helping kids with the homework.  Forget housework.  I didn't have the time.  He would drink and pass out and be too drunk to wake up to come and pick me up from work at 1 in the morning.  He apologized, but how many times does it have to happen before you've had enough?  The thing was, when that happened (for the umpteenth time), I wasn't allowed to drive because I had surgery.  So I HAD to rely on him, and he wasn't there.  He helped but only when he felt like it, which wasn't all that often.  He would tell me he didn't know how to cook ... or that he didn't know the school work but he just didn't get it.  He didn't get that I just needed another hand.  He sat there all day long with no job and let me bust my ass every day all day.  He drank. He played video games.  My right hand to God I even tried to find him a job playing video games.  But he did not find a job so that maybe I could breathe.  It sits on you heavy.  So I move on.  To a better place mentally.  Oh yes, mentally.  I'll save that for another blog.  I'm happier with myself, I enjoy life more and I smile a lot more.  But this divorce thing.  It still sits on me, because once again, who wants fail at something?  Its not that I miss him or that I even think about "what if" ... I have no regrets.  Well maybe one.  I regret that I didn't do this sooner.  If I had done it sooner, the pain would be gone by now and I would be even happier than I already am.  I'm in a good place and so quickly in love with another ... I'm going to be more than fine.  Me and my babies.