Me vs. Teenagers

Its hard to make your children understand why their dad and you broke up and not only to understand it, but to accept it.  When I told them what was happening and I was moving out, what happened next shocked me.  You think you know your kids and can anticipate reaction.  At first it was typical, tears and why, things like that.  We had it settled, the kids would finish the school year out and stay with me when they weren't in school.  My oldest was a junior in high school, she wanted to graduate from the same school ... my youngest doesn't like change so I didn't want to do that to him in the middle of the school year and my middle ... well I'm still not sure, I just kept her there.  To my surprise, about two weeks later my son told me he wanted to change schools and come live with me.  I was so ecstatic.  I missed my kids so much.  So he came and I enrolled him in school and everything went great.  Then the ex and I thought we might want to reconcile ... so we tried and everyone changed schools.  Not because they wanted to, but because due to some unforeseen circumstances, they had to.  The reconciliation didn't last long and he moved back out and then my middle daughter moved with him.  She is a handful, so its awful to say ... I didn't mind.  The house was chaos with her.  She is the reason I write this blog today.  Although my ex didn't do much with the kids or for the kids, it was easy to say that he was around to take some of the brunt when things turned tough.  My middle daughter now lives with me (he got drunk and kicked her out), and she has for quite some time now.  Every day it is something new. I have her medicated (she has bipolar disorder) and I try to be absolutely as patient as I can ... but it doesn't last long.  She lies, she steals, she is defiant ... out of control.  And although I have a wonderful man who stands beside me through all of this ... I still feel alone when it comes to dealing with her.  She isn't his responsibility, he's an adult, not authority to her ... actually I'm still trying to figure out what his role is when it comes to my kids.  I'm going to marry him but we're not married yet ... but thats for another blog I guess.  I can share my feelings with him and his shoulder is always there for me to cry on, but I know he doesn't understand and he doesn't share it with me in that sense.  Honestly, I'm not sure if her dad even does ... but at one time I thought he did at least and it made things a little better.  The wonderful man I have now understands that I am hurt and he shares that emotion with me ... because he loves me.  But I still feel alone.  I love my daughter very much .. I love all my kids, and with all kids they each have their own little personality.  She has the biggest personality you have ever seen.  You take her somewhere and she will make new friends immediately, she makes you laugh, she is beautiful, she has a heart of gold ... but when you get her home, she becomes a liar, a rebel, a thief, sneaky, defiant, truant, etc etc ... when I have shared my journey with her with others and they meet her, they automatically assume that I exaggerated.  You can usually point out the "bad" ones and she is a complete shock to see like that.  Even family, at first, didn't believe.  So yesterday she decided not to come home on time.  I have to work and so I was not at home.  My daughter and boyfriend both looked everywhere for her.  I was at a loss and at work, so I couldnt help.  I was not even worried which is the worst part I think, because I knew she was just being a butthead and would turn up.  It was the point, which is why I had people looking for her.  And she did turn up.  Two hours after she was supposed to.  I came in the door and told her that I was calling the police because I just couldn't do this anymore.  Let someone that is above me take care of this, because my rules aren't being followed.  She just looked at me and said "can I eat dinner first".  I answered no, because it only made me more angry that she just didnt plain care.  Of course I let her eat.  The officer arrived.  He spoke to me. He spoke to her.  She got to stay home .. this time.  It wasn't because I made an empty threat, it was because the officer wanted to make sure she was aware of what was going to happen next time.  It didn't break my heart to call the police.  I broke me period.  I've done it before because of her running away or because she was just simply out of control ... but this time was different.  I was completely done.  I literally cannot handle anymore because I just don't know what to do.  I have tried everything and I have this little 90lb child controlling everything and everyone because it all has to be about her.  We have to make sure shes home, make sure shes where she is supposed to be, make sure shes not on the phone, make sure she checks in, no computer, did she take her medicine, stop yelling at your sister, dont boss your brother around ... it is ALL ABOUT HER.  Her sister and her do not get along and I dont think its because they dont like each other, I think its because her sister resents her.  She gets all the attention ... and not directly but thats how I have to revolve my life and schedule.  I have to make sure she is busy somehow.  So I sit and I cry inside and I wonder what will happen and can I do this?  I know I can ... but being alone and doing it just makes it harder.  Even when I called her dad to tell him what was going on, he was too drunk to even carry on a conversation with me.  And not that I want to talk to him often, but because I felt a little lost in the situation, it was his daughter too and I think I was disappointed to not be able to share that mutual feeling of being lost.  But he was only lost because he was drunk.  In fact, he was probably literally lost and had no idea where he was to begin with.  It will always hurt that I couldn't mean more to him than his beer, but I know that I am better without him and so are the kids.  Maybe one day this feeling of being alone will fade and I can share the emotions with Brian together ... but for right now, its just me against a 15 yr old and the world.