This blog was supposed to be about the struggles that I have as a single mother and it kind of turned into my struggle with a teenage daughter. Which I guess kind of goes with being a single mom and not because of my status but because I feel kind of alone at times when I am struggling with her. Brian is great but he is not "there" yet. He struggles as to what he should do and honestly I'm not sure how that would go with the kids. Eventually it will be there because ... well he's another adult in the house ... and he should be respected as well. And not that he will be the discipline in the home or things like that, but he shouldn't have to put up with it either.
But today I am writing because I am in hopes that we are on a good path. It hasn't started yet (the good part) but I'm hoping to realistically be there soon. Its going to require a lot of patience on my end and I am praying for it. REALLY praying for it.
Alyssa and I are going to counseling and I think the counselor is great and he makes a whole lot of sense and I think a lot of parents would be against what he says for that matter but I am pretty open-minded and I agree with most of what he says. Out of control children are the product of their parents. Basically we let her get away with so much that she has taken over. And not get away with breaking the rules or things like that but being argumentative and yelling, etc. She was diagnosed with bipolar and although I NEVER let her use that as a crutch for her behavior ... I think I did it sub-consciously. When she would have tantrums or her screaming fits they were ignored because ... well she was sick. And that basically gave her permission to do it. When she would yell and scream and I lost my patience, I would yell back and she would mimick my actions. Because as a parent we are role models. And if I am modeling my behavior by yelling and screaming at a situation then that is what she is learning and that is what she is being taught is the right way to do things. Instead of ignoring her ... instead of yelling at her, I should've told her that her behavior was not acceptable. I should have given her acceptable punishments. I should've followed through on more things.
I've never really believed in grounding a child. I never believed in this punishment because really what is that teaching them. No freedom. But go into your room and play your games ... watch tv ... but you are grounded. Yah. Not really doing much. And taking those things away from them for two, three or whatever days ... well eventually the parent is getting punished. An hour in their room without these things and come out and do what you're supposed to or go back ... that is feasible. When we were in one of our counseling sessions, the counselor said this to us. You do what what you're supposed to do or go to your room for an hour. After the hour you follow the rules ... if you don't then you return to your room ... and it goes on and on. The counselor says "who is going to give up" and Alyssa laughed and said "mom". Great. Completely called me out on it and I didn't even realize it. Well I kind of did but she knew it and thats not a good thing. I always thought I followed through on my punishments. But I give up too quickly. Following through doesn't count if you do it half ass. Go to your room for an hour doesn't mean after 20 minutes come out and let the dogs out for me. It doesn't mean come out to eat your dinner. It means an hour. But I never thought of it this way.
So we have started. I'm still not too great at this. Its early though. I told her one night to clean the living room and she went to bed instead. Normally I would just throw my hands up and say whatever and do it myself. This time though I woke her up and made her do it. I watched her and she thought she was done several times but I pointed more out to her to do. Thats the next step. Writing it all down. Leaving nothing unsaid so they can't come back and say "I didnt know". And I mean details. I have three tables in the living room and they're all listed individually and what to do to each one. The list is long and probably overwhelming, but it looks worst than it really is. We'll see what happens when she uses it. The other thing is when they say they're done with their chores. I just say "ok". Again. This is known which .. again .. is not a good thing. So they say they're done, they know I'm not checking, they get to do what they want and guess what? I'm left with finishing it because they're gone. I've said ok. *SIGH* ... so I have to get off my lazy butt and check. This only ensures that they follow through with things. Which is teaching them a lot more than cleaning house. I know this will only help develop things for their future in many other aspects of their lives.
So these few things sound pretty simple. It hasn't been though. The counselor said that it will only get worst before it gets any better. She will retaliate more and she will be even more defiant. I cant wait. So next week is when all of these things start. Where I will become more involved in everything that they do. Not that I havent been ... but playing games and watching tv with the kids doesn't really constitute being a parent. I am a good mom. I'm really doing the best that I possibly can do. I cook, I clean, I provide, I hug, I kiss, I mend fever and coughs, I help with homework, I talk to other parents, I talk to their friends, I do the things that I know that I am supposed to do. I just need to do more to make sure they're okay when they leave me.
Now you see I keep referring to all of my children. I have only one defiant child. But when it comes to chores, when it comes to grounding, when it comes to punishments ... I treat them all the same. Half-ass. So I am going to put 100% into this and make sure that they are everything that I want them to be ... everything that I know they can be and a good part of society. This is just the first step. There are more. But only baby steps. Too much at once will only constitute more chaos.
So I am going to blog as much as I can about my experiences about this journey that I am about to take ... and I will learn as much as they do. This will be good ... for all of us.
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