and so it begins ...

I've always commended single mothers and had even more respect for them when I became one.  It's truly exhausting.  But what's more exhausting is when they look forward to going to their dads every other weekend and he cancels at least 50% of the time.  Its always because he has to work late or he reads the divorce papers like he should be reading the Bible and calls me just to tell me its "my weekend" because the holiday is coming.  I have my children all the time … I don’t mind it, not even a little.  They are my entire world. They are what make me smile every day.  They are also what make me yell every day lol … but we get through it and we grow from it.  I'm not perfect.  I hope they think I am though.

The next holiday is Memorial Day, he had them on Easter so it's obvious it's "my" holiday.  I didn't need to look at the divorce papers to figure it out.  I am excited to cook out and have a day off with all three of them, however because Memorial Day is "my" holiday apparently, according to the divorce papers, it's also my weekend.  Uh, no. Its not.  My conversation to him went a little like this: Him: you get them this weekend. Me: what's so different than every other weekend. Him: well it's your holiday, I read the divorce papers. Me: Don't you have them memorized yet? Him: just wanted to tell you. Me: I don’t think it is, it seems you want to duck out of visitation every time, don't you think I need a break sometimes? Him: I didn’t know you got a break in parenting.  WOH! STOP RIGHT THERE!! Did he just say that?  I forgot that I have them all day every day, that I am the one who makes them do their chores, brush their teeth, comb their hair, homework, hug them when they're crying, defend them when they've been wronged … I do these things, and I do it with pride.  Every day.  I don’t get to cook for just one person, wake up when I want to … for that matter I don't get to hear quiet and its okay.  But don't you DARE tell me that you didn't know that parenting had a break … HE LIVES THAT BREAK!  And when I say, "hey I think I might need a little time to myself", I'm the one pawning them off. 

So I sit here and I think.  Do I force him to take the kids because he is supposed to and I just want to be the bitch that I am or do I keep my children home because honestly I don't care if they go or not.  Then I realize.  They are my children.  They live with me and who would I be hurting by sending them there when he doesn’t want them there.  It would be them.  Why would I want them to be somewhere they're clearly not welcome.  So whatever.  They get to stay home.  That was easy. 

Now how do I tell them?  Obviously I could be the one to make their dad look like the bad guy but again, I would be the one hurting them by saying these things to them.  He gets off easy because he doesn’t have to be there to see their hurt faces or hear them beg to go anyways.  I'm always the bad guy anyways, so I should be used to it.

I not only have this great respect for single mothers but I also admire the children that are a product of this kind of home.  Although my children hate me now, they will one day know that I've done everything and will continue to do everything to make sure their world was filled with many more smiles than tears.  At least I hope they do.