I'm going to be fine

I am still getting used to being divorced.  Its kind of a hard road.  And not because I am divorced but because I failed at something.  I guess maybe you could say it was my first real lesson in not being able to change people that they have to want to change.  And unfortunately he didn't.  He liked his beer more than me.  We were married almost 15 years but it definitely wasn't a smooth ride.  I always thought it was because marriage is work .. which it is .. but it was much more than that.  I know that now.  Looking back I see how miserable I was but I stayed because I was persistent.  I used to tell people that I knew he was a good guy and that one day he was going to stop drinking and I was going to be the one that was around for that.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't stay any longer.  I would find beer cans in our box spring where he had hid them ... under the couch, in the couch cushions ... wherever he could find to hide them so that I wouldnt know he was drinking.  The thing is though, is that I ALWAYS knew when he was drinking.  He could have one beer and I knew.  He will deny this but he knows I am right.  His demeanor completely changed ... yes, even after one beer.  He wanted to argue about things that just didn't matter ... he yelled at the kids more than usual and just the tiniest things would frustrate him.  I think I knew it was time to go was when I found my oldest daughter - 15 at the time I think - rummaging through the garbage.  When I asked her what she was doing, she looked at me and said "Dad doesn't act like this unless he's drinking".  I just kinda stood there.  I told her to stop and that I would find the answer for her.  Now I knew why she was digging through garbage ... because she had seen me do it.  But unfortunately she had also seen me find the beer cans and throw them at him, I don't know if she would do that or not, she jsut wanted proof.  She was looking for an answer just like I had for all those years ... was he acting like this because he was drinking?  I think that was when it was just kinda done for me.  I stuck around and we still had our ups and downs and some might even say that the last year of our marriage was our best, but I was already done.  I had given up and my heart was no longer there.  I had tried for all those years, nothing got better .. we just got older and I just got quieter about things is all.  He wasn't always a bad guy ... we had some laughs and I think even some fun, but the thing is, is that it wasn't enough anymore.  He said that by the time he saw that he was losing me that I was already too far gone to bring back up.  But he never tried to bring me back up was the thing.  He let me sit in my depression alone.  He saw how exhausted I was working all day, coming home to work a second job and making dinner and helping kids with the homework.  Forget housework.  I didn't have the time.  He would drink and pass out and be too drunk to wake up to come and pick me up from work at 1 in the morning.  He apologized, but how many times does it have to happen before you've had enough?  The thing was, when that happened (for the umpteenth time), I wasn't allowed to drive because I had surgery.  So I HAD to rely on him, and he wasn't there.  He helped but only when he felt like it, which wasn't all that often.  He would tell me he didn't know how to cook ... or that he didn't know the school work but he just didn't get it.  He didn't get that I just needed another hand.  He sat there all day long with no job and let me bust my ass every day all day.  He drank. He played video games.  My right hand to God I even tried to find him a job playing video games.  But he did not find a job so that maybe I could breathe.  It sits on you heavy.  So I move on.  To a better place mentally.  Oh yes, mentally.  I'll save that for another blog.  I'm happier with myself, I enjoy life more and I smile a lot more.  But this divorce thing.  It still sits on me, because once again, who wants fail at something?  Its not that I miss him or that I even think about "what if" ... I have no regrets.  Well maybe one.  I regret that I didn't do this sooner.  If I had done it sooner, the pain would be gone by now and I would be even happier than I already am.  I'm in a good place and so quickly in love with another ... I'm going to be more than fine.  Me and my babies.