So my daughter has problems. A lot of problems. She is mentally unstable and not the good, cooky kind of crazy that we all love but really unstable. Right now she is locked up. Its where she belongs, as much I hate it that she is gone .. I know its where she belongs. I can't help her. I don't know what to do in order to help her. I think that my daughter is a sociopath. And I don't say this lightly. I really do believe that she is. She doesn't show any kind of empathy, unless its for herself, when things don't go her way. When the boyfriend breaks up with her, when she thought she was going home instead of getting locked up so she turns on the tears ... she does cry, but only for herself, never for others. My son has aspergers so his empathy is rather low, but for different reasons and so at school he has a very low profile. My daughter has this outstanding personality that everyone flocks to and loves at first and then in about two weeks - after she has gotten what she wants - they hate her. I hate that she doesn't have friends ... on one hand I just want to say that she's done this to herself but on the other hand if she has an illness has she really brought this onto herself? No. not really. Its something she cant help. Its a problem that a lot of people do not understand. People understand that if someone has something such as epilepsy that they cannot help their seizures ... if they have tourettes (sp?) syndrome that they cannot help twitching or in some cases screaming out words at inappropriate times ... if they have cancer and getting treatment, they cannot help their hair falling out ... but yet when someone has a mental illness they still need to be 100% responsible for their actions. I do not feel that a mental illness should be a crutch and I do feel that she should take and accept responsibility for her actions but I also think that she should be more understood before she is judged.
I want her to succeed in life. I feel as if I am the only one that has her back. Her father doesn't want to help her because its just too much work. Her step-father doesn't believe that if she does have a mental illness that it has anything to do with her behavior. Her relatives have just basically wrote her off. I love her. I love her more than any of the people that I have mentioned. I will always love her and I will always believe in her but I know that I can only do so much and its why I have turned to the courts for help. Unfortunately its the only resource that I had left with the little time I had left before she is 18.
I had children because I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to nurture another human being and watch them grow in life. Some might look at my children and not think I have done a great job and thats okay. But my kids are great. They are my heart and no matter what I will stand beside them and help them with whatever they need help in. As long as they let me. I can only do so much. They might not think I'm the greatest but maybe one day.
I will never give up on my children. I refuse to be older and look back and say I wish I would've done this or that. I want to say that I did everything I could. I want to say that I did everything and it worked or it didn't work.
I love you Alyssa. I love you so much more than you know.
Lord, today watch over Alyssa. Guide her with you hand to watch her, to love her and show her the Godly way to life. Show her that Your love is so much stronger than she is seeing. Amen.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
My wish for my children
I wish that the sun will shine brightly every day for you. I wish that you will wake up with a smile. I wish that you will always be warm and never hungry. I wish that you will know how truly blessed you are and know how blessed I am because of you. I wish that you will have many opportunities in life and take advantage of almost all of them. I wish for you many things but most of all I just wish that you knew ... really knew ... how much I love you.
I wake up every night and tuck you in. I do it in the middle of the night because you're a teenager and well, if you were awake you probably wouldn't let me. I call you 100x a day just to see what you're doing because I'm not there and I want to be. I know that I'm overbearing and I'm sure there are a lot of parents out there that you would rather me be, but I won't be. I will always be me. I will always be who I think is best. I will never give you anything less than the best, it just might not be what you think it should be. I'm not saying my decisions are all the right ones but I learn from them and I will try harder.
I also know that some of my decisions might push you further away from me because I'm just "too much". And thats okay too. Because I love you and I know one day you will see that thats the only reason why I have ever did anything that I have done. Its always been out of love.
I don't want to see you hurt or fail ... but I have to let you fall sometimes. But I promise you I will be there to pick you up and help you put the pieces back together. I will help you figure whatever it is you need figured out ... but I can't do it unless you want it.
I want to be the mom that you come to for everything, but I also understand that my own issues prevent me from that. I try to understand you and I just ask that you respect my boundaries.
I am a mean mom but I am also a loving mom.
I wish for you a million stars in the sky for you every single night. I wish for you nothing but bright days and calm nights. I wish for you the love of everyone around you. I wish for you success in everything you do. I wish for you laughter. I wish for you so many things and I wish that I could give them all to you.
I love all three of you very much. I am blessed, truly blessed.
Lord, thank you for my sweet children and looking over them and keeping them healthy in their hearts. Thank you for my long days spent with each of them. Guide them in decisions that they make in hopes they will be the right ones. And today, Lord ... please watch over Alyssa. bring her home safely. keep her warm and fed. and make sure she knows that we all love her. Amen.
I wake up every night and tuck you in. I do it in the middle of the night because you're a teenager and well, if you were awake you probably wouldn't let me. I call you 100x a day just to see what you're doing because I'm not there and I want to be. I know that I'm overbearing and I'm sure there are a lot of parents out there that you would rather me be, but I won't be. I will always be me. I will always be who I think is best. I will never give you anything less than the best, it just might not be what you think it should be. I'm not saying my decisions are all the right ones but I learn from them and I will try harder.
I also know that some of my decisions might push you further away from me because I'm just "too much". And thats okay too. Because I love you and I know one day you will see that thats the only reason why I have ever did anything that I have done. Its always been out of love.
I don't want to see you hurt or fail ... but I have to let you fall sometimes. But I promise you I will be there to pick you up and help you put the pieces back together. I will help you figure whatever it is you need figured out ... but I can't do it unless you want it.
I want to be the mom that you come to for everything, but I also understand that my own issues prevent me from that. I try to understand you and I just ask that you respect my boundaries.
I am a mean mom but I am also a loving mom.
I wish for you a million stars in the sky for you every single night. I wish for you nothing but bright days and calm nights. I wish for you the love of everyone around you. I wish for you success in everything you do. I wish for you laughter. I wish for you so many things and I wish that I could give them all to you.
I love all three of you very much. I am blessed, truly blessed.
Lord, thank you for my sweet children and looking over them and keeping them healthy in their hearts. Thank you for my long days spent with each of them. Guide them in decisions that they make in hopes they will be the right ones. And today, Lord ... please watch over Alyssa. bring her home safely. keep her warm and fed. and make sure she knows that we all love her. Amen.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
An In-depth Look at my Resolutions
I usually use my blog to kind of vent about things and to be self aware of other things that are potentially bothering me. I haven't wrote in awhile which doesn't mean that things around here are rosy but I think that I am handling things better.
Its mid-January and I have hope for an even better year than last year. I had a great year for the most part in 2011 and I can only hope for better and if not, that's okay. I'm still blessed.
I have a few things that I want to work on this year to improve myself.
Of course there's finances but not "to be better with money" its more to make sure that we have money. Brian is working now and although we were a bit careless this past week its nice to know that the money will be there every week. We've discussed our money, talked about a budget and I think we're pretty much on the same page. Things I've stressed about in the past like how long people were taking showers for, lights being left on were little to everyone and I was just being a nag. But now that Brian is contributing he's seeing why I pay attention to every detail of these things. He's right there with me now. He understands and that means so much to me. For once I don't feel like I have all the weight of our finances on my shoulders alone. I have a partner. A real partner to share the stress of life with. Its a great feeling.
Parenting. I don't think that I'm a bad parent. I think that I'm strict and probably too strict sometimes, but its only because I want to protect my kids and hopefully one day they'll get it. I have always had a problem sharing the parenting though. Even with their dad. We never agreed on anything when it came to the kids. I always that their dad was too lenient which I believe has led them to make wrong decisions. Now I am being accused of being the lenient one but I feel that Brian jumps on them too easily. What my hope this year is to not become more strict or more lenient but to communicate more with Brian on these things. I have a problem with almost everything of trying to always sway the other person to agree with me which kind of puts a wall up in front of me that makes ME the closed-minded one. I have been saying that he has no "right" to punish the kids that's he's not their dad. But ya know what? He might as well be. The kids should feel lucky to have two dads and to be cared about by so many people. Brian is right beside me when it comes to them making good decisions ... he has their best interest at hand and so do I. I'm obsessed with my kids which won't ever change. I've been told that it's not a good thing, but when my children are home with me I don't want to leave. This is really on the weekends. Not leaving as in going to somewhere during the day or a friends home, but going "out". I just don't believe that I should be taking time away from the kids - whether we're doing things together or not - for me to go and party. I have plenty of life to do that and they're gone two weekends out of the month ... I can wait a week. Parenting is a big one that Brian and I both have to work on together. I need to let him help me parent the kids and we both need to communicate more when it comes to the kids. If we can get over that hump it will be easier.
Family. I love my family very much. I might not like all of them but I do love them. I've been trying to make sure that I set aside more time for my grandmother, especially now that I live closer. I take her where she needs to go, Brian and I both cook for her, I visit and the kids visit. Maybe a movie night with her once a month .. something that we both enjoy. I don't believe that I need more time with her, but the quality of the time that we spend is more important. I also want to make sure that I spend more time with my sister, my best friend and my uncles. I don't have a lot of money but there could be lunch involved or just a visit. I want to make sure that I'm available to them when they need me, for them to know that I love them and that I am here.
Our home. I love the home that we're in. The up and down the stairs could be better, but it looks so great and I really owe that to Brian. First he is the one that busted his ass getting us in here as quickly as possible but he really does clean much better than I do. I keep up and do okay I think, but he does better. Plain and simple. I cook better though ;) ... And recently an opportunity has been presented to us to buy my grandmother (Uncle Tim)'s home. I have always wanted that house since I have moved away. It has everything we've ever wanted, we're getting a great deal on it and eventually we could do what we wanted to do with it. Right now, however, my grandmother is still living in it with my Uncle. He wants to move and sell me the house and in turn, I would take care of my grandmother until she goes and meets the Lord. I am more than okay with this. Of course there's some hesitation living with my grandma, not that I think it will be horrific or anything but rules and whatnot. I'm not sure if I will feel like I'm an adult ... but whatever. I will be there for her so much more and able to care for her. This will make my world so much better. I asked her how she felt about the idea and she said it would be fantastic so I'm guessing that she is more than okay with it too. Lots to do in the house to prepare for it however. And we need to build up our credit to finance the home ... but we're on our way to getting that done. I feel very good about it. I smile when I think about it and know that it would be a good move for us and I would know that grandmother will be okay. Not that she isn't now, but I would be there. That's what is important to me.
Myself. I always come last. This is by choice. I do not buy myself things. I do not treat myself. So I am going to start taking more bubble baths, listening to more classical and Christian music. I am going to pray more and thank the Lord for everything that I have. I am going to take care of myself and my body.
*********************
Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for giving me the time and ability to spend a few hours with my grandmother. Thank you for keeping my children healthy. Thank you for giving my wonderful husband the ability to work and providing work for him. Thank you for the beautiful weather you gave us today. Thank you for allowing me to wake up this morning and all the smiles that were brought to my face today. I know Lord that without you none of these things would be possible. Thank you thank you thank you. Amen.
Its mid-January and I have hope for an even better year than last year. I had a great year for the most part in 2011 and I can only hope for better and if not, that's okay. I'm still blessed.
I have a few things that I want to work on this year to improve myself.
Of course there's finances but not "to be better with money" its more to make sure that we have money. Brian is working now and although we were a bit careless this past week its nice to know that the money will be there every week. We've discussed our money, talked about a budget and I think we're pretty much on the same page. Things I've stressed about in the past like how long people were taking showers for, lights being left on were little to everyone and I was just being a nag. But now that Brian is contributing he's seeing why I pay attention to every detail of these things. He's right there with me now. He understands and that means so much to me. For once I don't feel like I have all the weight of our finances on my shoulders alone. I have a partner. A real partner to share the stress of life with. Its a great feeling.
Parenting. I don't think that I'm a bad parent. I think that I'm strict and probably too strict sometimes, but its only because I want to protect my kids and hopefully one day they'll get it. I have always had a problem sharing the parenting though. Even with their dad. We never agreed on anything when it came to the kids. I always that their dad was too lenient which I believe has led them to make wrong decisions. Now I am being accused of being the lenient one but I feel that Brian jumps on them too easily. What my hope this year is to not become more strict or more lenient but to communicate more with Brian on these things. I have a problem with almost everything of trying to always sway the other person to agree with me which kind of puts a wall up in front of me that makes ME the closed-minded one. I have been saying that he has no "right" to punish the kids that's he's not their dad. But ya know what? He might as well be. The kids should feel lucky to have two dads and to be cared about by so many people. Brian is right beside me when it comes to them making good decisions ... he has their best interest at hand and so do I. I'm obsessed with my kids which won't ever change. I've been told that it's not a good thing, but when my children are home with me I don't want to leave. This is really on the weekends. Not leaving as in going to somewhere during the day or a friends home, but going "out". I just don't believe that I should be taking time away from the kids - whether we're doing things together or not - for me to go and party. I have plenty of life to do that and they're gone two weekends out of the month ... I can wait a week. Parenting is a big one that Brian and I both have to work on together. I need to let him help me parent the kids and we both need to communicate more when it comes to the kids. If we can get over that hump it will be easier.
Family. I love my family very much. I might not like all of them but I do love them. I've been trying to make sure that I set aside more time for my grandmother, especially now that I live closer. I take her where she needs to go, Brian and I both cook for her, I visit and the kids visit. Maybe a movie night with her once a month .. something that we both enjoy. I don't believe that I need more time with her, but the quality of the time that we spend is more important. I also want to make sure that I spend more time with my sister, my best friend and my uncles. I don't have a lot of money but there could be lunch involved or just a visit. I want to make sure that I'm available to them when they need me, for them to know that I love them and that I am here.
Our home. I love the home that we're in. The up and down the stairs could be better, but it looks so great and I really owe that to Brian. First he is the one that busted his ass getting us in here as quickly as possible but he really does clean much better than I do. I keep up and do okay I think, but he does better. Plain and simple. I cook better though ;) ... And recently an opportunity has been presented to us to buy my grandmother (Uncle Tim)'s home. I have always wanted that house since I have moved away. It has everything we've ever wanted, we're getting a great deal on it and eventually we could do what we wanted to do with it. Right now, however, my grandmother is still living in it with my Uncle. He wants to move and sell me the house and in turn, I would take care of my grandmother until she goes and meets the Lord. I am more than okay with this. Of course there's some hesitation living with my grandma, not that I think it will be horrific or anything but rules and whatnot. I'm not sure if I will feel like I'm an adult ... but whatever. I will be there for her so much more and able to care for her. This will make my world so much better. I asked her how she felt about the idea and she said it would be fantastic so I'm guessing that she is more than okay with it too. Lots to do in the house to prepare for it however. And we need to build up our credit to finance the home ... but we're on our way to getting that done. I feel very good about it. I smile when I think about it and know that it would be a good move for us and I would know that grandmother will be okay. Not that she isn't now, but I would be there. That's what is important to me.
Myself. I always come last. This is by choice. I do not buy myself things. I do not treat myself. So I am going to start taking more bubble baths, listening to more classical and Christian music. I am going to pray more and thank the Lord for everything that I have. I am going to take care of myself and my body.
*********************
Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for giving me the time and ability to spend a few hours with my grandmother. Thank you for keeping my children healthy. Thank you for giving my wonderful husband the ability to work and providing work for him. Thank you for the beautiful weather you gave us today. Thank you for allowing me to wake up this morning and all the smiles that were brought to my face today. I know Lord that without you none of these things would be possible. Thank you thank you thank you. Amen.
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