You're not my Dad!!

No. He's not your dad.  And I knew that I would hear this eventually.  I wasn't sure when it was going to come up but it has.  I think I felt a little bad for Brian when this was said, although he knows his place in our home and he knows he is not "dad".  But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about them.  He reminds them of the things their supposed to do ... we butt heads quite a bit because he feels that I baby them...  He takes them to the store with him or has them help with yard work or he talks to them and gives the best advice that he can (except girl stuff, he doesn't touch girl stuff).  This doesn't make him dad .. it makes him an adult in the house that they have to respect.  In return, they get respect back.  All in all my kids and Brian have a wonderful relationship.  I don't know if they know what kind of relationship they have with him just yet and I'm not sure he knows either .. but its a good one nonetheless.  The thing is, is that Brian gives my kids more respect and looks over them more than their dad ever did.  I'm not saying that their dad isn't a good dad ... I think he might have come around a bit with them, but he just wants them busy and to leave him alone.  Brian wants them to do things either with him or not ... he just wants them occupied to fulfill their minds.  Brian isn't their dad though.  Their dad is a drunk.  Their dad is emotionally abusive.  Their dad sees them only four times a month.  Their dad is the "cool" one who gets to have lots of cookouts and buy presents for them when he wants.  Their dad is less than a part-time parent.  I hope Brian is proud that he not their dad ... he's much better.

Is it terrible to even think of hating one of your own ...

I never in a million years ever thought that I could hate my own child.  I still don't think I hate her, I love her so much but I am just drained.   I am drained emotionally, physically and mentally ... but this is what she thrives on.  She wants me to be drained so that I give up and just give in.  I try to be a little lenient but then I try to be strict because it is MY job to make sure my children succeed and do well in life.  I can only do so much but I am taking the job description pretty serious.  She wants so many positive things for her future and they all are pretty realistic but the things that she does now is leading her on the wrong path ... I try to tell her this.  And those who know me, know that I don't sugar coat much but she doesn't get it.  I have drug tested her (and no she didn't pass) but she didn't care.  She passes the buck on to anyone else around her but yet we all know that she is the one responsible.  She can be holding something that she stole but yet look you dead in the eye and tell you that she didn't do it and she just doesn't know who did.  She will even carry on for another hour or so just WONDERING who in the world took that!  "Mom, if I'm getting blamed for something that I didn't do, I want to know who did" ... then about 2 hours later she admits to her wrongdoing.  I have tried everything.  I have tried every single form of punishment there was.  You name it and I have done it.  I have whooped her, I have grounded her, I have made her do extra chores, I have taken her door from her hinges, I have given her earlier curfews ... I have nothing left in me.  She doesnt want to be at home although she says she does.  I had to file unruliness charges against her but she doesn't care about that either.  We're waiting on a court date and I am honestly hoping that she goes to juvi.  Just to show her a lesson because none of mine work.  I have read books ... I have read internet site ... I have done all that I can possibly do ... and if someones says well you're not doing this, then I will!!! ... I have listened to sermons .. I have prayed to God ... I have just collapsed in exhaustion onto my bed hoping that someone would just come and whisk me away to get rid of the noise.  I just want her to be okay .. I want her to be a teenager but not a reckless one ... I have three children and two of them I know will succeed ... this one I am scared for.  I am very scared for.

Time is supposed to heal ....

They say when you lose a loved one that time heals the pain.  I'm not sure that is so.  I think time helps the depression perhaps go away but its still the little things that make me remember and miss my Poppy more than words could possibly say.  The day he passed and my birthday are two days that I have trouble with.  I'm not even sure why my birthday but its when his passing really hits me.  I think especially since my grandma had a stroke its been worst for me ... and wishing he was here to protect her and make sure she is okay every day.  I know that all her kids care for her, but I also think they are upsetting her the most.  I miss him for her and it hurts me to know how much she misses him as well.  Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be ... but it hurt a lot because of the life changes that I am going through and hes not hear to guide me to give me advice or just to watch in approval.  I want to share things with him and hear his response and I'm unable to do that.  I miss him terribly.  I love him so much and although I have always said that I don't live with regret I wish I would've told him more how much I loved him.

It gets harder and harder ...

I have always wanted a great relationship with my daughters.  I had always envisioned us sitting around and talking about this that or the other and how they would come to me about everything.  Thats now how it happened though.  It took a little while for my oldest to come around.  Her and I have a pretty great relationship and she is really awesome.  I am so very proud of her.  My son even comes to me and talks to me about everything and he is absolutely amazing.  My middle daughter however ... well I don't even know what to say about her.  I love her.  I love her with all my heart but she is making terrible choices in life and she doesnt want to listen to me or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I wonder if I hate her.  I know that she is my own blood and how could I possibly hate her but sometimes I wonder.  She is so mean to me.  She is rude and she causes such an uproar in the house.  She has no filter on her mouth no matter where we're at and at times its embarrassing because I'm just not sure what to do with her.  I've done everything.  I'm truly by every definition of the word exhausted.  I don't even know what to write today except that I just want what is best for her and I hope she gets a million gold roses in life ... but she needs to earn them and shes not going down that path.  shes not earning much of anything.