I was watching Joel Osteen the other night and he was talking about people that talk bad about you basically.  That you should learn to ignore them.  A bit easier said than done.  But a lesson nonetheless.  Something to think about and something to work on.  I am trying and I know that with each day it will get easier.  But I've noticed that it doesn't stop with just me.  You don't realize that things like that effect pretty much everyone that you know but I learned today that its effecting the kids.  All three of them and the conflict is that its with family members.  I know that kids have "drama" and its expected with their ages but this is with family and well it kinda upsets me.  But it makes me realize that in order for them to be able to overlook what people say that I have to set the example, which makes my lesson a bit accelerated.  I need to lead by example.

Anthony hasnt gone to his dad's house in about a month.  The thing with Anthony is that he is different.  He doesnt have many friends and he is more than fine with that.  I encourage socialization but his idea of socialization is talking to some kids on his way home from the bus stop.  He doesn't want to invite anyone over and he doesn't always want to seek someone else to play with outside either.  Now he does play with other children but its not often.  He is definitely not a social butterfly but he is a happy kid and as long he is happy I see no reason to encourage change.  The reason that he has not gone to his dad's house is because his grandmother has apparently been making comments to him about eating at the house and drinking pop, etc. and although these things aren't true it bothers him that she says these things.  Brittney and Anthony are very close so I brought her into the conversation and explained to her what his reasons were and she put on her little 17 yr old attitude and was like well she can say whatever she wants but dad buys the food so I don't care what she says.  I replied that he does though.  She said, well just ignore her.  So I looked at her and said, you know how your sister says things to you and I tell you to ignore her and you say you can't, which she agreed.  Well same thing.  Brittney no longer had an answer for him.  Neither did I.

So in order to get the answer I need to reflect.  I need to figure it out so that I can teach my children that some things people say to you just need to be overlooked.  If they see these things bother me, they will be bothered as well.

Lesson in the making.

I'm not even sure what I'm writing about tonight.  My heart is heavy.  A family member who I have always considered to be my best friend who I would do anything in the world for has disappointed me.  Now I know life is just full of disappointments, its come to light recently that she has disappointed me for a very long time.  I have confided so many things in her about my family, my life, some personal and some not so much.  But she has shared these confidences with pretty much everyone who would listen.  I've heard people from the grapevine say things like this about her and for some reason I just thought I was different.  I mean she WAS my best friend.  Why wouldn't I think I was different.  And when she gossiped to me about other people I once again thought I was immune to that as well.  Recently it was one of my children that was attacked. Alyssa to be specific - I'll use her name - about some things that came up missing.  Now of course, whether you're my best friend or not I'm coming to the defense of my child, but only if I feel that the person is wrong. My daughter has been guilty of many things and wow has she given me a ride for the most part, so I'm pretty open-minded about things when it comes to her.  However, when I KNOW and I am adamant that she is innocent, a very strong mind and opinion will be made by me.  But I don't think it was as much as the statement was made that she did the wrongdoing, it was that she told everyone about it.  Everyone.  So now many 15 year old daughter has been tainted in the eyes of many.  She will never overcome that, it will live with her forever....she has now been labeled and its not fair.  She is a child.


I was raised by my grandparents and I have put them along with every one of my aunts and uncles on a pedestal.  I have accepted every one of them with all of their faults so I can have a relationship with them, but now they have come to judge me based on things they know nothing about.  Based on things that they have heard.  They didn't come to me, they don't even know me.  I don't get phone calls asking me how I am or how my family is doing because they think they already know.  They listen to everyone else and base that knowledge on those conversations .. none of which I am involved in.  And then because of who I am, I become defensive and want them to hear me.  I want them to hear my side and make them understand ... but they don't.  They don't want to hear it because their source is reliable.  A few months ago I would've considered their source just as reliable.


So I met a man a little over a year ago who made my heart soar.  He is everything to me.  He treats me with more respect than I think I have ever gotten.  So now I hear that it is being said within the family, of course, that he doesn't work.  It makes me wonder ... if he doesn't work then where in the world is he going every night? What is he doing to get that paycheck directly deposited into our account every week? How in the world did he afford to buy me gifts or my kids gifts?  


So for me this is heartbreaking because someone that I love so much and once respected has betrayed me.  Not only have lies been told of me but my personal things have been repeated.  I have always said that you shouldn't tell people things if you don't want them repeated...but I think there is a pretty basic rule there and you should be able to weed out the things that you know shouldn't be repeated.


Another family member verbally attacked me last year.  She called me many names and threw things out that were completely untrue and I sat there very calmly and just kept repeating, you don't know what you're talking about.  But after thinking about this for some time, I realize that she was saying things that she believed was true.  She believed them because of her reliable source.


I still believe that love is unconditional.  I love this person more than anything and I will still do anything for her, but I do it with a heavy heart.  


So tonight I am praying.  I am praying to see where God wants me to go.  What He thinks I should do from here.  Because I no longer feel that this is the place for me.  I was once surrounded by family that loved me and now they've all abandoned me.


I write this through tears because so many people that I have thought so much of and I have defended through gritted teeth would not have done the same for me.  They've shown to me their true colors and it makes me so sad.  More sad than I have felt in a long time.  I am scared to lose people before I am ready to lose them because I want this worked out, but its not going to happen soon.  And if I leave.  If I move far away no one would care.  I'm not playing victim here ... I stay here in Ohio because of my family ... but what family?


I thought when Brian and I got together that I had a new family so to speak.  And I do love all of them ... but for some reason they keep me at arms length.  I don't know why and I'm not sure if I care.  I just love everyone so hard and maybe I'm naive and I should be more alert first.  I don't know.  My birthday just came and none of my family ... in-laws or immediate even wished me a happy birthday.  Not one could take time out of their schedule to text me, call me or write on the infamous facebook wall. It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  I know its just a birthday, but a small gesture would've been nice.  Just a little one.  I thanked every single person that wished me a happy birthday personally because I figured if they could take time out of their day to say it, I could take time out of mine to thank them.  I felt good doing that.  Just to acknowledge that I know they remembered me on my day.


I still love my family.  I always will.  There are some that I have much more respect for than others but I still love them.  But I no longer like most of them.  I don't like being talked about and moreso I don't like being lied about.  


I guess what my biggest problem is, is that I feel alone.  Abandoned.  I can't even say that I don't have anything to be sorry for, because no one has told me ... came to me ... and talked to me about anything.


I know what the truth is.  I know firsthand what has happened in my life, so I guess the best person to get that answer from would be me.  


So tonight I am praying and hoping that He will show me what my next adventure should be for my family.  For the four of us... because no one else matters anymore.  Not on his side. Not on my side. What keeps us here?  Phone calls to party? Phone calls to come and fix things?  No one calls just to say hey.  No one calls just to see how everyone is doing ... in fact no one even asks when we see them.  So what has this done?  It has pushed us away ... perhaps 9 hours away.  But who knows.  Who knows what He tells us do.


I have everything I need and everyone I want right here with me ... in my home.  I thought I had more once. I guess I'm just more sorry that I have been wrote off in some people's lives for no reason ... and kept at an arms length by others for no reason.  


But it is what it is right? Thats life.  Just take it and roll with it.