Its been a little while since my last post.  I think my blogs are therapeutic ... for me at least so when I don't blog its a good thing.  Brian is working nights right now.  I'm proud of him.  He has overcome a lot of things and he is proving that his statement to me that he just wants to take care of us and the kids is a sincere one.  Not that I don't think he's sincere, I KNOW he wants to take care of us just like I know that he loves all of us but saying it and doing it are two very different things.  We were supposed to have been married already.  April 28 came and went.  It was a bit chilly that day and I thought that it was a good thing because we were supposed to get married outside.  Getting married is definitely an expense, but we can do it inexpensively.  Try to at least.  But I told him that I can't marry him until he has a steady job, health insurance and bills are caught up.  The first two things are just part of life and you need to accomplish those things before you're supposed to go to the next step.  Not everyone does. I understand this and I don't judge.  But I'm at a point in my life where all my ducks have to be in a row before I can make those kinds of decisions.  He is doing great though and I really can't wait to be his wife.  Always and forever.

Working nights though is a definite adjustment for everyone involved.  He loses a lot of sleep, the kids have to be quiet when they're not used to being aware of how loud one can sound when running across the floor, cleaning can only be done in increments ... thats when its done at least.  He does a lot around here, well he did. I have a very bad back and can't do much of anything unless I take constant breaks.  It will get done, but what you can do in 20 minutes will take me about 2 hours.  I manage though and I try very hard.  The kids do some things if I get on them, but I hate the conflict when I try to explain to them that we want our house to look nice and chores are part of being a family unit I just get looked at like I just spoke Chinese.  So I just do it.  Without Brian's help its a lot more to do.  I'm feeling it lately.

Brian and I were used to being together all the time.  No matter where we went, we went together.  When I'm not with him people ask where he is and tell me how different I look without my shadow lol ... we truly love each other's company, so sorry if you don't like your significant other as much as I do.  I hate that when I get home from work he's sleeping and then I just want to talk about my day .. I hate that when he gets home from work I kiss him real quick and then leave for work.  I love that we still get to have dinner as a family .. I love that I get some down time and time for studying.  But its still an adjustment.

Change can be good but I'm still trying to figure out if this change is or not.

I don't think its effecting him the way that it effects me.  I miss him crazy when he's gone but when he's home he's either sleeping or playing with his guitar or out in the shed.  I lay with him when he is sleeping just to lay there for a few ... I want to spend as much time together as we can.  Not every waking moment, I get that he needs time for himself and his family, but it just seems that I'm not as interesting I guess.  I'll chalk it up to his lack of sleep.

I'll figure it out.  We'll figure it out.  Things will be okay and we will go on and be madly in love with each other like we always have been.  Just an adjustment period... thats all