Are we ever ready for our kids to leave? To move out and be on their own? I know that I personally have said so many times, can't wait until they're grown and move out. I mean we raise them and teach them to do right and make good decisions but when that day comes ... when they're a "grown up" and they're ready, are you?
I'm not. Not even a little. I guess one might say that I am obsessed with my children. I want to be home with them whenever they're home, my youngest is 12 and I still do anything and everything for him when he asks. I want to do these things ... I don't want to let go. How do you let go? I mean he's my baby. He's what I have ... the last one to take care of I guess.
So my oldest turns 18 and she leaves. Just leaves. I take this kind of personally. She is my everything. They're all my everything and now I've lost part of my little group ... my little family. I'm one down and it hurts so bad. It tears me up inside. I know I've done good with her .... I know that I've taught her everything that I can teach her but I still don't feel that she's ready to do it herself. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I will be surprised and she will do many more things that I didn't think she would be able to do at a young age. I hope I am. But it still will never settle my heart that she left me too soon.
I pride myself on worrying about my kids and I have busted my tush to make sure that they're taken care of. I've stuck up for them when I needed to ... cuddled them when they needed cuddled and probably when they didn't ... took care of them when they're sick ... and now I only have to do that for two of them.
How am I supposed to protect her? How am I supposed to make sure she's okay when she's not here? I can't make her listen to me ... I can't make her do anything ... but I just want to do things for her still. I want to be her mom and I want her to depend on me .... still. And I know that she will and I know that I will always be her mom but its not the same when I can't look in her room say goodnight.
She told me that it sometimes took me forever to do things for her and I have to agree. It did take me some time. Maybe I would forget to make that dr's appt., or maybe I didn't have the gas to take her to a friends but it didn't mean that I was neglecting her and it didn't mean that it didn't get done. I am only one person and up until recently I didn't have a partner in life so I was on my own to do it all myself. I know that she is only a child and doesn't understand that and that's okay, I forgive her. But it still hurts.
I'm just not ready to let go. I'm not ready to parent only two children. I want to be in the background aggravating her and making sure that everything is okay and that she is okay.
I know that I can still be her cheerleader and I will. I am just having a hard time cheering her on when I feel that her decisions aren't the right ones. But she has to fall ... we all have to at some time. She's just too young to fall.
Its only been a month and I miss her. I don't want to have lunch, I want to kiss her little cheek good night and tell her its time to start getting ready for bed. I want to have her here to watch a movie with or to shout from room to room when a football game is on.
I want her home. I'm not ready and I won't wish this on my other two. I won't count down to when they're old enough to leave because they might be old enough but it doesn't mean that they're ready. I just want her home where she belongs. Where she should be. I miss her so much.
I hope and pray that she will make good decisions and that her future will be as bright as she is. I hope for nothing but great things for her and I hope that one day she will see why I made decisions that I have made. I hope that she will one day see that it wasn't the control I wanted ... it was because I love her so much it was hard to let go.
