Me vs. Her

I have struggled for so long now with Alyssa.  I don't know what to do with her anymore.  I have grounded her, I have added extra chores, I have prohibited her from seeing friends, talking on the phone, taken away her phone and her computer, blocked access to any internet that she could possibly get a hold of but yet ... she still defies me.  I have to lock up Brittney's clothes so that she doesn't wear them.  I have to hide money and cigarettes so she doesn't steal them.  I have to have my son lock his door at night so she can't intimidate him into letting her on the computer.  I am at the end of my rope and just don't know anymore.  Last night she didn't want to come home ... we kept going back and forth with each other through text because she wouldn't answer the phone.  I ended up having to call the police.  I had no other option.  It hurt me but what else is there left for me to do.  I ended up pressing charges against her and now we will have to go to court so they can decide what to do with her.  Brian said that they will probably ask me what I want done.  I don't even know anymore.  I feel bad but at the same time maybe this is what she needs.  I'm just kinda lost.  I love my children so much and try to do what I can for them ... but I can't help them if they don't let me.

I wonder sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I am over the top like some seem to say.  That maybe I overreact just a bit.  This kinda boggles my mind though because I am pretty aware of who I am.  Whether its a good thing or not, I at least know what people might dislike about me and what they might like about me.  I am pretty comfortable with myself though and don't really intend to change.

I've been excited about my upcoming wedding.  Not that we can afford all the bells and whistles, but its still going to be a fairytale.  I was talking to one of my brothers and well he just didn't seem interested.  I told him that if I could afford it that I would get married next month.  He told me to just wait and get to know Brian better.  I wasn't really serious. I dont think.  It was kind of a hypothetical statement I guess.  Brian is a great guy, there is no doubt about that.  Brian has a past though.  Although his past doesn't effect me OR my kids I'm okay with it.  We've all done stupid shit in our younger days, unfortunately his kinda follows him.  So it is what it is.  He is perfect in my eyes and treats me great.  Except when he's "grumpy".  Now grumpy to me means any kind of anger ... I use grumpy because it just sounds nicer.  Brian works hard and he is tired.  I completely understand that, but when hes overtired he says things that just aren't nice.  I have a past and unfortunately my past doesn't follow me, it just haunts me.  So when Brian says things to me that I take personal out of anger it upsets me greatly.  I told him last night (after a grumpy moment) that maybe it was best if we put the wedding off.  I explained to him it was merely because I've seen sides of him lately that I don't like and it makes me not sure if I want to "deal" with that for the rest of my life.  Now I am a bitch.  I know that I am.  I get constant mood swings as part of my bipolar disorder.  I recognize it for the most part but there are times when I am just crazy pissed off for no apparent reason.  I yell and I'm irritable but I NEVER say things that would hurt someone's feelings.  Its just not me. 

So this is why I wonder if I overreact.  Because of my past, my bitterness and my own issues do I do this to push away? Do I do it because it sincerely upsets me? Do I do it to get a nicer reaction?  I'm not quite sure why I do it.  I need to figure it out though because I love him so much and I don't want to be the person that is jsut "put up with" ... I want everything to be as perfect as he is in my eyes.  Everything.  Including how I react to things. 

Something to chew on I guess.