I like to control things and it's not because I want to, it's because it's what I've always been expected to do. I want people to tell me for once how things are going to go believe it or not, but because I have always been in control for so long it's hard to let go of that role. After so long it defines you and to let go of that is a bit scary because then what role do I play in people's lives. The controlling is as little as deciding what we're going to have for dinner to as big as what bills will be paid from what paycheck ... its not great to have everything on your shoulders and then those people resent you for having all the control but yet they want to take none on themselves.
I am a very anxious person and anything that is out of my element or comfort zone is a big deal to me, so letting go of any kind of control is huge. I want it but it causes a great deal of anxiety. I need to know that its all going smooth and if I don't do it or I'm not the one that's in the forefront, how do I know that's its getting done the way that it's supposed to. Not necessary "my" way ... but in a successful way.
This past week I let go of the grocery shopping for the first time in almost 20 years. I am still getting anxiety from it. I think that the money was overspent and that it could've been done in a more economical way. I looked at the receipt and everything that was on there we needed, and we haven't had to go to the grocery store to buy anything for dinners because well he achieved that. He bought things we needed for the cupboards and things for dinner but because I didn't do it I am still anxious over it. I even made the grocery list so I had something to do with it. Although he did go off of the list a little, he still did a great job. But I'm not sure I can do it again.
The thing is, is that I need to let this go and I'm not sure how. I'm always saying that I need more off of my plate but when the slack is picked up I freak out. I don't know if I need the chaos or if I'm just so used to it that I don't know what to do without it.
Something I need to ponder I suppose. Something to bring up to the counselor.
He thinks that I am trying to control him. Trying to run his life. That's not what its about though, I just don't think that his decisions are thought through and I don't believe that I should be put on the back burner when it comes to deciding if he should be with me or a friend. That is not being controlling .... I don't think.
How do you stand back and let people make bad decisions when they're your husband or your're children or just simply people that you love? How do you do that and especially when ultimately those decisions can effect you and/or your family? I can't. I'm supposed to because .... well there's some things you can't control no matter how hard you try.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
I was watching Joel Osteen the other night and he was talking about people that talk bad about you basically. That you should learn to ignore them. A bit easier said than done. But a lesson nonetheless. Something to think about and something to work on. I am trying and I know that with each day it will get easier. But I've noticed that it doesn't stop with just me. You don't realize that things like that effect pretty much everyone that you know but I learned today that its effecting the kids. All three of them and the conflict is that its with family members. I know that kids have "drama" and its expected with their ages but this is with family and well it kinda upsets me. But it makes me realize that in order for them to be able to overlook what people say that I have to set the example, which makes my lesson a bit accelerated. I need to lead by example.
Anthony hasnt gone to his dad's house in about a month. The thing with Anthony is that he is different. He doesnt have many friends and he is more than fine with that. I encourage socialization but his idea of socialization is talking to some kids on his way home from the bus stop. He doesn't want to invite anyone over and he doesn't always want to seek someone else to play with outside either. Now he does play with other children but its not often. He is definitely not a social butterfly but he is a happy kid and as long he is happy I see no reason to encourage change. The reason that he has not gone to his dad's house is because his grandmother has apparently been making comments to him about eating at the house and drinking pop, etc. and although these things aren't true it bothers him that she says these things. Brittney and Anthony are very close so I brought her into the conversation and explained to her what his reasons were and she put on her little 17 yr old attitude and was like well she can say whatever she wants but dad buys the food so I don't care what she says. I replied that he does though. She said, well just ignore her. So I looked at her and said, you know how your sister says things to you and I tell you to ignore her and you say you can't, which she agreed. Well same thing. Brittney no longer had an answer for him. Neither did I.
So in order to get the answer I need to reflect. I need to figure it out so that I can teach my children that some things people say to you just need to be overlooked. If they see these things bother me, they will be bothered as well.
Lesson in the making.
Anthony hasnt gone to his dad's house in about a month. The thing with Anthony is that he is different. He doesnt have many friends and he is more than fine with that. I encourage socialization but his idea of socialization is talking to some kids on his way home from the bus stop. He doesn't want to invite anyone over and he doesn't always want to seek someone else to play with outside either. Now he does play with other children but its not often. He is definitely not a social butterfly but he is a happy kid and as long he is happy I see no reason to encourage change. The reason that he has not gone to his dad's house is because his grandmother has apparently been making comments to him about eating at the house and drinking pop, etc. and although these things aren't true it bothers him that she says these things. Brittney and Anthony are very close so I brought her into the conversation and explained to her what his reasons were and she put on her little 17 yr old attitude and was like well she can say whatever she wants but dad buys the food so I don't care what she says. I replied that he does though. She said, well just ignore her. So I looked at her and said, you know how your sister says things to you and I tell you to ignore her and you say you can't, which she agreed. Well same thing. Brittney no longer had an answer for him. Neither did I.
So in order to get the answer I need to reflect. I need to figure it out so that I can teach my children that some things people say to you just need to be overlooked. If they see these things bother me, they will be bothered as well.
Lesson in the making.
I'm not even sure what I'm writing about tonight. My heart is heavy. A family member who I have always considered to be my best friend who I would do anything in the world for has disappointed me. Now I know life is just full of disappointments, its come to light recently that she has disappointed me for a very long time. I have confided so many things in her about my family, my life, some personal and some not so much. But she has shared these confidences with pretty much everyone who would listen. I've heard people from the grapevine say things like this about her and for some reason I just thought I was different. I mean she WAS my best friend. Why wouldn't I think I was different. And when she gossiped to me about other people I once again thought I was immune to that as well. Recently it was one of my children that was attacked. Alyssa to be specific - I'll use her name - about some things that came up missing. Now of course, whether you're my best friend or not I'm coming to the defense of my child, but only if I feel that the person is wrong. My daughter has been guilty of many things and wow has she given me a ride for the most part, so I'm pretty open-minded about things when it comes to her. However, when I KNOW and I am adamant that she is innocent, a very strong mind and opinion will be made by me. But I don't think it was as much as the statement was made that she did the wrongdoing, it was that she told everyone about it. Everyone. So now many 15 year old daughter has been tainted in the eyes of many. She will never overcome that, it will live with her forever....she has now been labeled and its not fair. She is a child.
I was raised by my grandparents and I have put them along with every one of my aunts and uncles on a pedestal. I have accepted every one of them with all of their faults so I can have a relationship with them, but now they have come to judge me based on things they know nothing about. Based on things that they have heard. They didn't come to me, they don't even know me. I don't get phone calls asking me how I am or how my family is doing because they think they already know. They listen to everyone else and base that knowledge on those conversations .. none of which I am involved in. And then because of who I am, I become defensive and want them to hear me. I want them to hear my side and make them understand ... but they don't. They don't want to hear it because their source is reliable. A few months ago I would've considered their source just as reliable.
So I met a man a little over a year ago who made my heart soar. He is everything to me. He treats me with more respect than I think I have ever gotten. So now I hear that it is being said within the family, of course, that he doesn't work. It makes me wonder ... if he doesn't work then where in the world is he going every night? What is he doing to get that paycheck directly deposited into our account every week? How in the world did he afford to buy me gifts or my kids gifts?
So for me this is heartbreaking because someone that I love so much and once respected has betrayed me. Not only have lies been told of me but my personal things have been repeated. I have always said that you shouldn't tell people things if you don't want them repeated...but I think there is a pretty basic rule there and you should be able to weed out the things that you know shouldn't be repeated.
Another family member verbally attacked me last year. She called me many names and threw things out that were completely untrue and I sat there very calmly and just kept repeating, you don't know what you're talking about. But after thinking about this for some time, I realize that she was saying things that she believed was true. She believed them because of her reliable source.
I still believe that love is unconditional. I love this person more than anything and I will still do anything for her, but I do it with a heavy heart.
So tonight I am praying. I am praying to see where God wants me to go. What He thinks I should do from here. Because I no longer feel that this is the place for me. I was once surrounded by family that loved me and now they've all abandoned me.
I write this through tears because so many people that I have thought so much of and I have defended through gritted teeth would not have done the same for me. They've shown to me their true colors and it makes me so sad. More sad than I have felt in a long time. I am scared to lose people before I am ready to lose them because I want this worked out, but its not going to happen soon. And if I leave. If I move far away no one would care. I'm not playing victim here ... I stay here in Ohio because of my family ... but what family?
I thought when Brian and I got together that I had a new family so to speak. And I do love all of them ... but for some reason they keep me at arms length. I don't know why and I'm not sure if I care. I just love everyone so hard and maybe I'm naive and I should be more alert first. I don't know. My birthday just came and none of my family ... in-laws or immediate even wished me a happy birthday. Not one could take time out of their schedule to text me, call me or write on the infamous facebook wall. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I know its just a birthday, but a small gesture would've been nice. Just a little one. I thanked every single person that wished me a happy birthday personally because I figured if they could take time out of their day to say it, I could take time out of mine to thank them. I felt good doing that. Just to acknowledge that I know they remembered me on my day.
I still love my family. I always will. There are some that I have much more respect for than others but I still love them. But I no longer like most of them. I don't like being talked about and moreso I don't like being lied about.
I guess what my biggest problem is, is that I feel alone. Abandoned. I can't even say that I don't have anything to be sorry for, because no one has told me ... came to me ... and talked to me about anything.
I know what the truth is. I know firsthand what has happened in my life, so I guess the best person to get that answer from would be me.
So tonight I am praying and hoping that He will show me what my next adventure should be for my family. For the four of us... because no one else matters anymore. Not on his side. Not on my side. What keeps us here? Phone calls to party? Phone calls to come and fix things? No one calls just to say hey. No one calls just to see how everyone is doing ... in fact no one even asks when we see them. So what has this done? It has pushed us away ... perhaps 9 hours away. But who knows. Who knows what He tells us do.
I have everything I need and everyone I want right here with me ... in my home. I thought I had more once. I guess I'm just more sorry that I have been wrote off in some people's lives for no reason ... and kept at an arms length by others for no reason.
But it is what it is right? Thats life. Just take it and roll with it.
I was raised by my grandparents and I have put them along with every one of my aunts and uncles on a pedestal. I have accepted every one of them with all of their faults so I can have a relationship with them, but now they have come to judge me based on things they know nothing about. Based on things that they have heard. They didn't come to me, they don't even know me. I don't get phone calls asking me how I am or how my family is doing because they think they already know. They listen to everyone else and base that knowledge on those conversations .. none of which I am involved in. And then because of who I am, I become defensive and want them to hear me. I want them to hear my side and make them understand ... but they don't. They don't want to hear it because their source is reliable. A few months ago I would've considered their source just as reliable.
So I met a man a little over a year ago who made my heart soar. He is everything to me. He treats me with more respect than I think I have ever gotten. So now I hear that it is being said within the family, of course, that he doesn't work. It makes me wonder ... if he doesn't work then where in the world is he going every night? What is he doing to get that paycheck directly deposited into our account every week? How in the world did he afford to buy me gifts or my kids gifts?
So for me this is heartbreaking because someone that I love so much and once respected has betrayed me. Not only have lies been told of me but my personal things have been repeated. I have always said that you shouldn't tell people things if you don't want them repeated...but I think there is a pretty basic rule there and you should be able to weed out the things that you know shouldn't be repeated.
Another family member verbally attacked me last year. She called me many names and threw things out that were completely untrue and I sat there very calmly and just kept repeating, you don't know what you're talking about. But after thinking about this for some time, I realize that she was saying things that she believed was true. She believed them because of her reliable source.
I still believe that love is unconditional. I love this person more than anything and I will still do anything for her, but I do it with a heavy heart.
So tonight I am praying. I am praying to see where God wants me to go. What He thinks I should do from here. Because I no longer feel that this is the place for me. I was once surrounded by family that loved me and now they've all abandoned me.
I write this through tears because so many people that I have thought so much of and I have defended through gritted teeth would not have done the same for me. They've shown to me their true colors and it makes me so sad. More sad than I have felt in a long time. I am scared to lose people before I am ready to lose them because I want this worked out, but its not going to happen soon. And if I leave. If I move far away no one would care. I'm not playing victim here ... I stay here in Ohio because of my family ... but what family?
I thought when Brian and I got together that I had a new family so to speak. And I do love all of them ... but for some reason they keep me at arms length. I don't know why and I'm not sure if I care. I just love everyone so hard and maybe I'm naive and I should be more alert first. I don't know. My birthday just came and none of my family ... in-laws or immediate even wished me a happy birthday. Not one could take time out of their schedule to text me, call me or write on the infamous facebook wall. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I know its just a birthday, but a small gesture would've been nice. Just a little one. I thanked every single person that wished me a happy birthday personally because I figured if they could take time out of their day to say it, I could take time out of mine to thank them. I felt good doing that. Just to acknowledge that I know they remembered me on my day.
I still love my family. I always will. There are some that I have much more respect for than others but I still love them. But I no longer like most of them. I don't like being talked about and moreso I don't like being lied about.
I guess what my biggest problem is, is that I feel alone. Abandoned. I can't even say that I don't have anything to be sorry for, because no one has told me ... came to me ... and talked to me about anything.
I know what the truth is. I know firsthand what has happened in my life, so I guess the best person to get that answer from would be me.
So tonight I am praying and hoping that He will show me what my next adventure should be for my family. For the four of us... because no one else matters anymore. Not on his side. Not on my side. What keeps us here? Phone calls to party? Phone calls to come and fix things? No one calls just to say hey. No one calls just to see how everyone is doing ... in fact no one even asks when we see them. So what has this done? It has pushed us away ... perhaps 9 hours away. But who knows. Who knows what He tells us do.
I have everything I need and everyone I want right here with me ... in my home. I thought I had more once. I guess I'm just more sorry that I have been wrote off in some people's lives for no reason ... and kept at an arms length by others for no reason.
But it is what it is right? Thats life. Just take it and roll with it.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Its been a little while since my last post. I think my blogs are therapeutic ... for me at least so when I don't blog its a good thing. Brian is working nights right now. I'm proud of him. He has overcome a lot of things and he is proving that his statement to me that he just wants to take care of us and the kids is a sincere one. Not that I don't think he's sincere, I KNOW he wants to take care of us just like I know that he loves all of us but saying it and doing it are two very different things. We were supposed to have been married already. April 28 came and went. It was a bit chilly that day and I thought that it was a good thing because we were supposed to get married outside. Getting married is definitely an expense, but we can do it inexpensively. Try to at least. But I told him that I can't marry him until he has a steady job, health insurance and bills are caught up. The first two things are just part of life and you need to accomplish those things before you're supposed to go to the next step. Not everyone does. I understand this and I don't judge. But I'm at a point in my life where all my ducks have to be in a row before I can make those kinds of decisions. He is doing great though and I really can't wait to be his wife. Always and forever.
Working nights though is a definite adjustment for everyone involved. He loses a lot of sleep, the kids have to be quiet when they're not used to being aware of how loud one can sound when running across the floor, cleaning can only be done in increments ... thats when its done at least. He does a lot around here, well he did. I have a very bad back and can't do much of anything unless I take constant breaks. It will get done, but what you can do in 20 minutes will take me about 2 hours. I manage though and I try very hard. The kids do some things if I get on them, but I hate the conflict when I try to explain to them that we want our house to look nice and chores are part of being a family unit I just get looked at like I just spoke Chinese. So I just do it. Without Brian's help its a lot more to do. I'm feeling it lately.
Brian and I were used to being together all the time. No matter where we went, we went together. When I'm not with him people ask where he is and tell me how different I look without my shadow lol ... we truly love each other's company, so sorry if you don't like your significant other as much as I do. I hate that when I get home from work he's sleeping and then I just want to talk about my day .. I hate that when he gets home from work I kiss him real quick and then leave for work. I love that we still get to have dinner as a family .. I love that I get some down time and time for studying. But its still an adjustment.
Change can be good but I'm still trying to figure out if this change is or not.
I don't think its effecting him the way that it effects me. I miss him crazy when he's gone but when he's home he's either sleeping or playing with his guitar or out in the shed. I lay with him when he is sleeping just to lay there for a few ... I want to spend as much time together as we can. Not every waking moment, I get that he needs time for himself and his family, but it just seems that I'm not as interesting I guess. I'll chalk it up to his lack of sleep.
I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Things will be okay and we will go on and be madly in love with each other like we always have been. Just an adjustment period... thats all
Working nights though is a definite adjustment for everyone involved. He loses a lot of sleep, the kids have to be quiet when they're not used to being aware of how loud one can sound when running across the floor, cleaning can only be done in increments ... thats when its done at least. He does a lot around here, well he did. I have a very bad back and can't do much of anything unless I take constant breaks. It will get done, but what you can do in 20 minutes will take me about 2 hours. I manage though and I try very hard. The kids do some things if I get on them, but I hate the conflict when I try to explain to them that we want our house to look nice and chores are part of being a family unit I just get looked at like I just spoke Chinese. So I just do it. Without Brian's help its a lot more to do. I'm feeling it lately.
Brian and I were used to being together all the time. No matter where we went, we went together. When I'm not with him people ask where he is and tell me how different I look without my shadow lol ... we truly love each other's company, so sorry if you don't like your significant other as much as I do. I hate that when I get home from work he's sleeping and then I just want to talk about my day .. I hate that when he gets home from work I kiss him real quick and then leave for work. I love that we still get to have dinner as a family .. I love that I get some down time and time for studying. But its still an adjustment.
Change can be good but I'm still trying to figure out if this change is or not.
I don't think its effecting him the way that it effects me. I miss him crazy when he's gone but when he's home he's either sleeping or playing with his guitar or out in the shed. I lay with him when he is sleeping just to lay there for a few ... I want to spend as much time together as we can. Not every waking moment, I get that he needs time for himself and his family, but it just seems that I'm not as interesting I guess. I'll chalk it up to his lack of sleep.
I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Things will be okay and we will go on and be madly in love with each other like we always have been. Just an adjustment period... thats all
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Too young to go
Are we ever ready for our kids to leave? To move out and be on their own? I know that I personally have said so many times, can't wait until they're grown and move out. I mean we raise them and teach them to do right and make good decisions but when that day comes ... when they're a "grown up" and they're ready, are you?
I'm not. Not even a little. I guess one might say that I am obsessed with my children. I want to be home with them whenever they're home, my youngest is 12 and I still do anything and everything for him when he asks. I want to do these things ... I don't want to let go. How do you let go? I mean he's my baby. He's what I have ... the last one to take care of I guess.
So my oldest turns 18 and she leaves. Just leaves. I take this kind of personally. She is my everything. They're all my everything and now I've lost part of my little group ... my little family. I'm one down and it hurts so bad. It tears me up inside. I know I've done good with her .... I know that I've taught her everything that I can teach her but I still don't feel that she's ready to do it herself. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I will be surprised and she will do many more things that I didn't think she would be able to do at a young age. I hope I am. But it still will never settle my heart that she left me too soon.
I pride myself on worrying about my kids and I have busted my tush to make sure that they're taken care of. I've stuck up for them when I needed to ... cuddled them when they needed cuddled and probably when they didn't ... took care of them when they're sick ... and now I only have to do that for two of them.
How am I supposed to protect her? How am I supposed to make sure she's okay when she's not here? I can't make her listen to me ... I can't make her do anything ... but I just want to do things for her still. I want to be her mom and I want her to depend on me .... still. And I know that she will and I know that I will always be her mom but its not the same when I can't look in her room say goodnight.
She told me that it sometimes took me forever to do things for her and I have to agree. It did take me some time. Maybe I would forget to make that dr's appt., or maybe I didn't have the gas to take her to a friends but it didn't mean that I was neglecting her and it didn't mean that it didn't get done. I am only one person and up until recently I didn't have a partner in life so I was on my own to do it all myself. I know that she is only a child and doesn't understand that and that's okay, I forgive her. But it still hurts.
I'm just not ready to let go. I'm not ready to parent only two children. I want to be in the background aggravating her and making sure that everything is okay and that she is okay.
I know that I can still be her cheerleader and I will. I am just having a hard time cheering her on when I feel that her decisions aren't the right ones. But she has to fall ... we all have to at some time. She's just too young to fall.
Its only been a month and I miss her. I don't want to have lunch, I want to kiss her little cheek good night and tell her its time to start getting ready for bed. I want to have her here to watch a movie with or to shout from room to room when a football game is on.
I want her home. I'm not ready and I won't wish this on my other two. I won't count down to when they're old enough to leave because they might be old enough but it doesn't mean that they're ready. I just want her home where she belongs. Where she should be. I miss her so much.
I hope and pray that she will make good decisions and that her future will be as bright as she is. I hope for nothing but great things for her and I hope that one day she will see why I made decisions that I have made. I hope that she will one day see that it wasn't the control I wanted ... it was because I love her so much it was hard to let go.
I'm not. Not even a little. I guess one might say that I am obsessed with my children. I want to be home with them whenever they're home, my youngest is 12 and I still do anything and everything for him when he asks. I want to do these things ... I don't want to let go. How do you let go? I mean he's my baby. He's what I have ... the last one to take care of I guess.
So my oldest turns 18 and she leaves. Just leaves. I take this kind of personally. She is my everything. They're all my everything and now I've lost part of my little group ... my little family. I'm one down and it hurts so bad. It tears me up inside. I know I've done good with her .... I know that I've taught her everything that I can teach her but I still don't feel that she's ready to do it herself. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I will be surprised and she will do many more things that I didn't think she would be able to do at a young age. I hope I am. But it still will never settle my heart that she left me too soon.
I pride myself on worrying about my kids and I have busted my tush to make sure that they're taken care of. I've stuck up for them when I needed to ... cuddled them when they needed cuddled and probably when they didn't ... took care of them when they're sick ... and now I only have to do that for two of them.
How am I supposed to protect her? How am I supposed to make sure she's okay when she's not here? I can't make her listen to me ... I can't make her do anything ... but I just want to do things for her still. I want to be her mom and I want her to depend on me .... still. And I know that she will and I know that I will always be her mom but its not the same when I can't look in her room say goodnight.
She told me that it sometimes took me forever to do things for her and I have to agree. It did take me some time. Maybe I would forget to make that dr's appt., or maybe I didn't have the gas to take her to a friends but it didn't mean that I was neglecting her and it didn't mean that it didn't get done. I am only one person and up until recently I didn't have a partner in life so I was on my own to do it all myself. I know that she is only a child and doesn't understand that and that's okay, I forgive her. But it still hurts.
I'm just not ready to let go. I'm not ready to parent only two children. I want to be in the background aggravating her and making sure that everything is okay and that she is okay.
I know that I can still be her cheerleader and I will. I am just having a hard time cheering her on when I feel that her decisions aren't the right ones. But she has to fall ... we all have to at some time. She's just too young to fall.
Its only been a month and I miss her. I don't want to have lunch, I want to kiss her little cheek good night and tell her its time to start getting ready for bed. I want to have her here to watch a movie with or to shout from room to room when a football game is on.
I want her home. I'm not ready and I won't wish this on my other two. I won't count down to when they're old enough to leave because they might be old enough but it doesn't mean that they're ready. I just want her home where she belongs. Where she should be. I miss her so much.
I hope and pray that she will make good decisions and that her future will be as bright as she is. I hope for nothing but great things for her and I hope that one day she will see why I made decisions that I have made. I hope that she will one day see that it wasn't the control I wanted ... it was because I love her so much it was hard to let go.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Things that I work on ... get better and better
I am slowly but surely reaching what I have sought for so long ...
I am working on my relationship with Jesus Christ and I feel so good and so loved and so great every single day. I want to be a great person but I know that I will never be as great as I want to be but I am working on different things. I have been working on my swaring, which I am doing pretty goon on. I do have the occasional slip and Bubby reminds me lol ... and then there's times that I have to remind myself that just because its not a "cuss" word, its still probably not a nice word.
I have been not only reading but understanding the Bible. I am the kind of person that needs to have an answer to my questions and if I don't know the answer its hard for me to move forward, and I am understanding more and more through His word. Its really an incredible feeling.
What I have added to my journey is that happiness comes from within and that if I'm not happy its not only by my choice but by choices that I make. So those choices could be associating with people that make me feel bad about myself or those who complain or just maybe put me in a bummer mood ... I know that long conversations or spending long periods of time with certain people will put me in a direction that I don't want to go and so I have limited myself. I have been labeled because of this, but thats okay because I made the choice to be happy.
Another choice in happiness is my job. My boss and I do not see eye to eye very often and so I have prayed for patience because I really dreaded coming in to work because I just knew that I would be put down and that him and I would argue and that would be the end of my day. I decided that I would take his criticism, although mostly harsh, and I would put it to good use and make better decisions about my performance and become better at my job. I would also not bicker back to him ... this was a hard one for me because I do not like to be looked at as weak but all it did was fuel fire that was unnecessary and in the end it was me that it made miserable. I have done this for about a week and my days at work have been great! Even when he barks at me I just smile at him and answer whatever question it is that he has. I have been doing so much better and feeling so much better and I know that this is because I have Jesus Christ in my heart and I pray and He answers my prayers with my help.
I am just overjoyed with how my life has been turning around. I love Jesus and I can't wait to continue this journey and learn more every day.
I am working on my relationship with Jesus Christ and I feel so good and so loved and so great every single day. I want to be a great person but I know that I will never be as great as I want to be but I am working on different things. I have been working on my swaring, which I am doing pretty goon on. I do have the occasional slip and Bubby reminds me lol ... and then there's times that I have to remind myself that just because its not a "cuss" word, its still probably not a nice word.
I have been not only reading but understanding the Bible. I am the kind of person that needs to have an answer to my questions and if I don't know the answer its hard for me to move forward, and I am understanding more and more through His word. Its really an incredible feeling.
What I have added to my journey is that happiness comes from within and that if I'm not happy its not only by my choice but by choices that I make. So those choices could be associating with people that make me feel bad about myself or those who complain or just maybe put me in a bummer mood ... I know that long conversations or spending long periods of time with certain people will put me in a direction that I don't want to go and so I have limited myself. I have been labeled because of this, but thats okay because I made the choice to be happy.
Another choice in happiness is my job. My boss and I do not see eye to eye very often and so I have prayed for patience because I really dreaded coming in to work because I just knew that I would be put down and that him and I would argue and that would be the end of my day. I decided that I would take his criticism, although mostly harsh, and I would put it to good use and make better decisions about my performance and become better at my job. I would also not bicker back to him ... this was a hard one for me because I do not like to be looked at as weak but all it did was fuel fire that was unnecessary and in the end it was me that it made miserable. I have done this for about a week and my days at work have been great! Even when he barks at me I just smile at him and answer whatever question it is that he has. I have been doing so much better and feeling so much better and I know that this is because I have Jesus Christ in my heart and I pray and He answers my prayers with my help.
I am just overjoyed with how my life has been turning around. I love Jesus and I can't wait to continue this journey and learn more every day.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Welcome Home
I am a believer and I have been for awhile just not as spiritual as I am becoming. I went to church and I tried to get as close to God as I could but I didn't understand everything and I left some days being confused and and with no answers and no confidence to ask questions.
I had everything at one time. Well what I thought was everything. I had money, a four bedroom home, two cars, a fenced in backyard, ate out when we wanted, health insurance, etc etc (none of these in a list of importance) and there was a sermon at church that the reason we have what we have was because God gave it to us. We go that promotion or that job through the grace of our Lord. I believed this but it still wasn't in my heart. Then one day I went to work and I was let go and it was all gone. I didn't question my performance or why I was let go, I prayed and asked what I did and where I went wrong in His eyes. I have many theories but still not sure what it is and will probably never know. I then had to start at the bottom. Completely start over again. I had built a life for my children and I with so many successes at a young age and was not on any kind of state assistance and now I had to get in that dreaded line at the welfare office. Was I ashamed? Yes. I didn't feel as if I belonged there ... maybe I felt that I was better than them. It wasn't right but it was how I felt. I had skills and an education and I was going to be getting food stamps and a medical card. How could I work so hard for so long and then end up there? I didn't know it then, but I would figure out later that God had a plan for me.
I continued to go to church. I loved my church and my pastor. I could never get through a service without crying. I was at a time in my life where I didn't know which way was up. We were broke, Christmas was right around the corner, bills were coming due, my marriage was on the rocks and everyone always depended on me and I felt that I was letting everyone down because I didn't know what to do. I prayed and prayed and no answers came but I kept going and kept trying. I still didn't know but I kept my head up and I kept as strong as I could. But on the inside I was breaking. I was slowly losing it little by little. I prayed for any kind of strength out there to get out of bed because I had to provide, I had to take care of my family ... I was what they counted on.
I won't lie. I ended up straying from church. I skipped a few Sundays here and there and it became more and more. My depression just became worst and I had to make decisions that I didn't want to make. Decisions that were for me and my happiness and not what everyone else wanted. People say they just want you to be happy, but ultimately they just want you to do what they think is best. I had three children to think about ... thats what I kept telling myself and then it dawned on me that if I wasn't happy then I wasn't any good to anyone else. I couldn't give myself 100% to anyone, even my children. I made the toughest decision in my life to divorce. My kids hated me for it. I strayed from church, not because of the divorce but from depression but I began a new me.
This was God's plan for me. He was showing me that life could be good. That I could be happy without the money, without the big dreams and the materialist items. Everything I had was so superficial and I was happy on the outside and then God took it all away from me so that he could show me what happiness really was. What a hard road he was giving me though. As God gives you nothing. I suffered many times. I cried many tears. I had to learn patience, learn to be content ... learn to trust in Him.
I had started dating before I was divorced. We were separated but I was not officially divorced yet. I had guilt from that. I had guilt from hurting the man that I was dating as well ... the man that I ultimately will marry one day. I felt guilty for hurting my now ex-husband because I didn't want to hurt him, I just needed to be about me. I just had so much built up inside and it weighed on me everyday. I went to church one day in February and it happened to be communion that day. I took communion and repented that Sunday. Afterwards I cried and felt so nourished and blessed and uplifted and light and just so many feelings overcame me. I was free of all that held me down at that point. I haven't thought of any of that again. I don't feel the guilt, I took Jesus Christ into my heart and he forgave me that day.
Today I am divorced but with a man that I never dreamed could exist. I have never been treated better or loved more than I am by him. I never knew I could love someone as hard as I love him as well. I live in a trailer, which on the outside is pretty ugly but on the inside is home and when I come home I am greeted by my four dogs, Anthony playing his XBox, Alyssa on the phone and Brittney complaining about something. Brian will be washing dishes and I just stand there to take it all in. This is home. This is happiness. Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for showing me the way to true happiness.
I had everything at one time. Well what I thought was everything. I had money, a four bedroom home, two cars, a fenced in backyard, ate out when we wanted, health insurance, etc etc (none of these in a list of importance) and there was a sermon at church that the reason we have what we have was because God gave it to us. We go that promotion or that job through the grace of our Lord. I believed this but it still wasn't in my heart. Then one day I went to work and I was let go and it was all gone. I didn't question my performance or why I was let go, I prayed and asked what I did and where I went wrong in His eyes. I have many theories but still not sure what it is and will probably never know. I then had to start at the bottom. Completely start over again. I had built a life for my children and I with so many successes at a young age and was not on any kind of state assistance and now I had to get in that dreaded line at the welfare office. Was I ashamed? Yes. I didn't feel as if I belonged there ... maybe I felt that I was better than them. It wasn't right but it was how I felt. I had skills and an education and I was going to be getting food stamps and a medical card. How could I work so hard for so long and then end up there? I didn't know it then, but I would figure out later that God had a plan for me.
I continued to go to church. I loved my church and my pastor. I could never get through a service without crying. I was at a time in my life where I didn't know which way was up. We were broke, Christmas was right around the corner, bills were coming due, my marriage was on the rocks and everyone always depended on me and I felt that I was letting everyone down because I didn't know what to do. I prayed and prayed and no answers came but I kept going and kept trying. I still didn't know but I kept my head up and I kept as strong as I could. But on the inside I was breaking. I was slowly losing it little by little. I prayed for any kind of strength out there to get out of bed because I had to provide, I had to take care of my family ... I was what they counted on.
I won't lie. I ended up straying from church. I skipped a few Sundays here and there and it became more and more. My depression just became worst and I had to make decisions that I didn't want to make. Decisions that were for me and my happiness and not what everyone else wanted. People say they just want you to be happy, but ultimately they just want you to do what they think is best. I had three children to think about ... thats what I kept telling myself and then it dawned on me that if I wasn't happy then I wasn't any good to anyone else. I couldn't give myself 100% to anyone, even my children. I made the toughest decision in my life to divorce. My kids hated me for it. I strayed from church, not because of the divorce but from depression but I began a new me.
This was God's plan for me. He was showing me that life could be good. That I could be happy without the money, without the big dreams and the materialist items. Everything I had was so superficial and I was happy on the outside and then God took it all away from me so that he could show me what happiness really was. What a hard road he was giving me though. As God gives you nothing. I suffered many times. I cried many tears. I had to learn patience, learn to be content ... learn to trust in Him.
I had started dating before I was divorced. We were separated but I was not officially divorced yet. I had guilt from that. I had guilt from hurting the man that I was dating as well ... the man that I ultimately will marry one day. I felt guilty for hurting my now ex-husband because I didn't want to hurt him, I just needed to be about me. I just had so much built up inside and it weighed on me everyday. I went to church one day in February and it happened to be communion that day. I took communion and repented that Sunday. Afterwards I cried and felt so nourished and blessed and uplifted and light and just so many feelings overcame me. I was free of all that held me down at that point. I haven't thought of any of that again. I don't feel the guilt, I took Jesus Christ into my heart and he forgave me that day.
Today I am divorced but with a man that I never dreamed could exist. I have never been treated better or loved more than I am by him. I never knew I could love someone as hard as I love him as well. I live in a trailer, which on the outside is pretty ugly but on the inside is home and when I come home I am greeted by my four dogs, Anthony playing his XBox, Alyssa on the phone and Brittney complaining about something. Brian will be washing dishes and I just stand there to take it all in. This is home. This is happiness. Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for showing me the way to true happiness.
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