Welcome Home

I am a believer and I have been for awhile just not as spiritual as I am becoming.  I went to church and I tried to get as close to God as I could but I didn't understand everything and I left some days being confused and and with no answers and no confidence to ask questions.

I had everything at one time.  Well what I thought was everything. I had money, a four bedroom home, two cars, a fenced in backyard, ate out when we wanted, health insurance, etc etc (none of these in a list of importance) and there was a sermon at church that the reason we have what we have was because God gave it to us.  We go that promotion or that job through the grace of our Lord.  I believed this but it still wasn't in my heart.  Then one day I went to work and I was let go and it was all gone.  I didn't question my performance or why I was let go, I prayed and asked what I did and where I went wrong in His eyes.  I have many theories but still not sure what it is and will probably never know.  I then had to start at the bottom.  Completely start over again.  I had built a life for my children and I with so many successes at a young age and was not on any kind of state assistance and now I had to get in that dreaded line at the welfare office.  Was I ashamed? Yes.  I didn't feel as if I belonged there ... maybe I felt that I was better than them.  It wasn't right but it was how I felt.  I had skills and an education and I was going to be getting food stamps and a medical card.  How could I work so hard for so long and then end up there?  I didn't know it then, but I would figure out later that God had a plan for me.

I continued to go to church. I loved my church and my pastor.  I could never get through a service without crying.  I was at a time in my life where I didn't know which way was up.  We were broke, Christmas was right around the corner, bills were coming due, my marriage was on the rocks and everyone always depended on me and I felt that I was letting everyone down because I didn't know what to do.  I prayed and prayed and no answers came but I kept going and kept trying.  I still didn't know but I kept my head up and I kept as strong as I could. But on the inside I was breaking. I was slowly losing it little by little.  I prayed for any kind of strength out there to get out of bed because I had to provide, I had to take care of my family ... I was what they counted on.

I won't lie.  I ended up straying from church.  I skipped a few Sundays here and there and it became more and more. My depression just became worst and I had to make decisions that I didn't want to make.  Decisions that were for me and my happiness and not what everyone else wanted.  People say they just want you to be happy, but ultimately they just want you to do what they think is best.  I had three children to think about ... thats what I kept telling myself and then it dawned on me that if I wasn't happy then I wasn't any good to anyone else.  I couldn't give myself 100% to anyone, even my children.  I made the toughest decision in my life to divorce.  My kids hated me for it.  I strayed from church, not because of the divorce but from depression but I began a new me.

This was God's plan for me.  He was showing me that life could be good.  That I could be happy without the money, without the big dreams and the materialist items.  Everything I had was so superficial and I was happy on the outside and then God took it all away from me so that he could show me what happiness really was.  What a hard road he was giving me though.  As God gives you nothing.  I suffered many times.  I cried many tears.  I had to learn patience, learn to be content ... learn to trust in Him.

I had started dating before I was divorced.  We were separated but I was not officially divorced yet.  I had guilt from that.  I had guilt from hurting the man that I was dating as well ... the man that I ultimately will marry one day.  I felt guilty for hurting my now ex-husband because I didn't want to hurt him, I just needed to be about me.  I just had so much built up inside and it weighed on me everyday.  I went to church one day in February and it happened to be communion that day.  I took communion and repented that Sunday.  Afterwards I cried and felt so nourished and blessed and uplifted and light and just so many feelings overcame me.  I was free of all that held me down at that point.  I haven't thought of any of that again.  I don't feel the guilt, I took Jesus Christ into my heart and he forgave me that day.

Today I am divorced but with a man that I never dreamed could exist.  I have never been treated better or loved more than I am by him.  I never knew I could love someone as hard as I love him as well.  I live in a trailer, which on the outside is pretty ugly but on the inside is home and when I come home I am greeted by my four dogs, Anthony playing his XBox, Alyssa on the phone and Brittney complaining about something.  Brian will be washing dishes and I just stand there to take it all in.  This is home.  This is happiness.  Thank you God.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you for showing me the way to true happiness.

Addiction sucks the life out of you ...

I guess in the wake of Whitney Houston's death it's kinda made me think more of addiction.  I don't know if its the addiction that I'm thinking of or her family that suffered from the addiction as well and her death or what I'm even feeling to be honest.

I lived with an addict for many years and so I've seen not only what it can do to the person but what it does to their families and their relationships (hence my divorce).  All I can go on is what I went through personally and what I saw.  What I saw is a man kinda die in front of me.  He's not dead of course, but he pretty much gave up his life for the alcohol.  He gave up his family.  Reflecting on my marriage I can't really say that he stopped doing anything, because he really never did do anything.  He worked sometimes but mostly played video games.

What it did to our family is destroy it.  I have a son who thinks if someone drinks that they will end up like his dad.  A son who told me once that he knew his dad wasn't drinking because if he was he would become a monster and probably kill all of us.  Although, he will defend his dad to the end and consistently tell me that his dad doesn't really drink anymore. My oldest still defends her dad but its come to light recently that she doesn't even stay there on the weekends.  In fact, he pawns both girls off to whomever and just Anthony stays the night.  Anthony is such a pleaser and doesn't want to upset his dad that his dad just leaves and gets away with it, and although I know it bothers Anthony a lot he still defends him.  In counseling Alyssa revealed that she wants more than anything to have a relationship with her dad, and the counselor said to her that maybe he is just too far gone and its not possible anymore.  That broke my heart.  A daughter just wants her dad basically and can't have him because of alcohol.

The thing is, is that he disguises it.  Not like hide it - although he did that during our marriage - but does it when its "normal" to do those things.  He would throw barbecues during the summer and make it all about the kids and this big party they were having and they would plan the menu and the kids would be so excited about it.  Ultimately this was so he could drink though.  When the kids at first told me that they were having a cookout I was kinda upset.  Not because they were cooking out, but wondered why all of a sudden was he doing that.  He never wanted to cookout when we were together.  Then it dawned on me one day, that the first and last cookout we had wasn't a good experience for us.  Enough said.  If he's not disguising it, its going to watch football or help a friend work on a car.  The kids know, but they still say nothing.  Heck. Everyone knows.

When I was married I defended him to everyone.  He was either not drinking that much or he wasn't drinking at all is what I would tell everyone.  Who wants to be looked at like that?  I don't even know how they were looking at me.  I was stupid maybe .. to stay with a man like that.  Maybe they felt sorry for me or maybe they thought I was just pathetic.  Who knows, but I just wanted everyone to think that it was all perfect and fine and lied to everyone.  Maybe not perfect.  I just wanted everyone to think it was okay and that I was okay and that my kids were okay.

I knew it was all wrong but I thought he could change ... well I thought that he would change.  I thought that I could make him change for that matter.  I am pretty controlling and I thought if I made it to where he couldn't drink or made him feel SO bad when he did that he would just stop.  I pulled a lot of punches and did things to be in control as much as I could be but it never helped.  He was in denial.  He didn't want to stop.   That's where my lesson was.  If he didn't want to stop then he just wasn't going to.  It took me almost 15 years to realize it.  It was a hard and long 15 years.  But I learned and I went against everything I believed in - including my marriage - and risked disappointing everyone because now I wasn't going to be the pathetic and sorry woman married to a drunk I was going to be the sorry single mother who was divorced. *SIGH*  Can't win.

My ex's entire family enables him.  They overlook his problem and never say anything to him about it.  They just pretend it isn't happening.  They don't try to get him help or even share honesty with him and tell them what they think and how scared they are for him.  Maybe they're not.

So through all this blabbing that I'm doing (forgive me, my mind is a little bit everywhere tonight) I've come to a few conclusions about addiction and addicts.  First addiction is sad.  I understand that its the person that makes the choice to to continue to do whatever it is they're doing, but they think they need it.  Their body is telling them that they need it.  I am sure that's hard to overcome.  Which is where my next point comes in at ... without a solid foundation and supportive family and friends, an addict can never recover whether they want to or not.  An addict needs support and encouragement and most of all forgiveness.  Forgiveness is huge and not just forgiveness in your own eyes and in God's.  They need to hear it.  They need to know they have that support.  Addiction is covering up something.  Depression ... mental illness .. whatever it is, so its only therapeutic for them to know that you love and care for them.  When you ignore the addiction you're not helping them.  I'm not saying that everyone can be helped because the first and foremost person that needs to seek that help is the addict themselves ... but when they make that first step its HUGE and they should be recognized for it.  And if the addict isn't willing to make the change then you either sit back and watch them destroy themselves or you take that relationship out of the picture.  Everyone does have a choice.  So I am sad for everyone involved in addiction.  Everyone.

Everyone needs a best friend ....

So we have a lot of dogs.  Too many.  I realize this and when I moved out here it was not my intent to have this many dogs.  


HISTORY:  When I lived in Elyria, I had four dogs and four cats.  I got rid of three cats, kept one for my daughter Britt.  I was only supposed to have two dogs but my ex moved in with his mom and was only allowed to take the small dog (Tiki).  So that left me with two large dogs and a small dog.  Brian felt that although he liked my dogs they weren't "ours" so we ended up with another small dog (Cujo). Hence four dogs.


SOOOOO we were not responsible dog owners and small dog got the other small dog and nine weeks later we had four puppies.


Anthony has Aspergers.  Its not a disease, its just a socialization disorder so to speak.  He doesn't socialize much and its not that he really doesn't want to, he just doesn't know how.  He says things that might be inappropriate for the conversation and then when he is looked at different because of what he said, it discourages him from speaking again at a different time.  He also doesn't associate with emotion.  He might feel bad for someone but he doesn't get it.  He doesn't lie ... because he is a shoot from the hip kind of guy.  He is not the one to ask if I look fat in an outfit ... he will tell me what I probably don't want to hear.  He also has a sensory disorder.  Certain feels of objects either feel VERY good or like nails on a chalkboard to him.  Now he has outgrown some of these things.  Like his socks, I used to have to turn them inside out so he wouldn't have the seam on his toes.  Tags.  Things like that.  He has to also be stimulated sometimes a lot and sometimes its too much.  So maybe today he is constantly hugging me but tomorrow can't stand to have my hand on his shoulder.  It's really kind of touch and go every day with him, but he's not mean about anything and he will tell you if he doesn't like something.  I only worry about the anxiety that some things give him.  Which certain cognitive objects can help him with that.  He used to have a ball that had little tentacles on it (?) and that would help calm him down when he got anxious.  It kind of sounds like its a lot but he's such a great kid and we just deal with things that come up on a day to day basis.  We're used to making the different accommodations that we might need to so it never seems to big of a deal.  Honestly though, going to new places and new situations with him gives me almost as much anxiety.  I can't protect him forever.  I have to kind of throw him into it and see how he does.  We talk about it later if it was a bad experience and try to figure out what we can do next time to make it better.  He is easily frustrated by those talks ... he lacks self-confidence, although we believe in him and we encourage him every day.  He is truly my little hero.  I couldn't imagine having to live the life he does with so many internal struggles and I'm so proud of how well he does.


So when the puppies were born, something changed.  They cried and Anthony went and covered them up.  He was always pausing a video game to check on them, making sure they were okay just because .... even covered them up if he thought it was chilly in the house.  It was kind of interesting to me to see that he was worried about them.  They're dogs.  Little baby dogs, but still dogs and that's what he would say.  But not with one particular little one.  We called him Moo-Moo.  So we have sold all the puppies ... except Moo-Moo.  Anthony told me that he was his best friend and that he would take care of him.


Anthony is 12.  He has never had such a big responsibility like a puppy.  I explained to him what it meant and he just cried because he didn't think he could do it.  I NEVER want him to think he cant do something.  I told him we would help him and that was that.  I have woke Anthony up at 5a, when Moo-Moo woke us up.  He thought he could just put him back in his pen and go back to sleep .... but I reminded him that it wasn't happening.  He has to take him potty almost every half hour and at least every hour.  Needless to say, the last couple of days have been exhausting for him.  But then when Anthony sits and plays the computer, you see the puppy in his lap.  When Anthony is playing a video game, you see the puppy running around him .... Anthony loves this puppy and the puppy loves him.  I am very proud to say that we have an 8-week old puppy that has only had two accidents in the house and they were both on paper in his pen.  

So I have a lot of dogs.  Sometimes they like to leave me messes to clean up and I have to clean my carpets at least once a week and they smell and I hate bathing them almost as bad as they hate getting baths.  And when people hear that we have "another" dog ... I just smile and think of Anthony.  Because everyone needs a best friend and I think he has the best one for him. 

Nobody puts Issy in the corner ...

So its been a little bit since I've wrote on here.  Our home is still chaotic as usual. Alyssa is doing much better, still a bit mouthy but shes a teen.  I'm actually thinking about reinstating her cell phone privileges.  She's doing fantastic.

But today I want to talk about something else.  Kids still, but something else. I love each of my children ... differently but the same amount.  I LOVE being around them.  They are a lot of fun and they add to my day no matter what is going on.  My patience gets pushed and sometimes I am irritated and its not even because of them sometimes but at the end of the day they are everything to me.

The holidays were a bit tough.  When you're divorced you have to do this thing called sharing the kids.  It sucks.  I am not saying that I am a better parent ... okay I am ... but thats not the point.  The point is, is that I had to see my children going to their dads on Thanksgiving instead of being home with me.  We had our own little dinner the weekend before and it was wonderful.  But they had to leave and I knew that they would got to their dads, eat dinner and then they would go do their own thing.  This is the part that upsets me.  I love creating memories with them.  I can't tell you what we would've done, but it would've been something.  But Thanksgiving wasn't the worst of it.  Christmas Day was the worst.  We woke up a little bit late as their dad was picking them up at 9a, and we got up at 830 and I wanted to make cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate so I asked their dad if he could just be a little bit later.  He let me have an hour but not without haste.  That day I couldn't even catch my breath.  It was one of the hardest days for me.  I missed my kids so much. SO MUCH.  The day was not a great one.  I even took the tree down the day after Christmas because if my kids weren't here, what was the point? 

So the kids stay the rest of Christmas break with their dad.  But then his mother didn't want Alyssa and her smart mouth there any longer, so I had to pick her up early.  Fine. No problem.  At least I had one kid home with me.  What the problem was, was 3 weeks later when they were supposed to go back to their dads house and their GRANDMOTHER said she still didnt want Alyssa at her house, but it was okay for the other two to come.  There was a couple of problems I had with this.  One was that this was a grown woman who was holding a grudge against a child.  I do not think it was right for Alyssa to have back-talked her, and she was punished for this.  But you punish and you move one.  You can't dwell on things.  The second problem I had with this, was that their dad was okay with this.  Of course the other two are much easier to "parent" than Alyssa. But what fun is anything if its easy!?  I didn't feel that he was standing up for her, even against his mother.  He kept saying "what am I supposed to do?"  I dont know what you're supposed to do.  All I know is that this is your daughter that you get to see four days a month and your mother is basically prohibiting you from seeing her.  I would have to tell mama where to go.  I would have to stick up for my daughter.  Which I did.  You can't single one of my kids out like that.  I remember a long time ago when Brittney would visit with her biological father and when they brought her home, they always brought her home with McDonalds.  Just her.  WE couldnt afford such things and Alyssa being only like 4 didnt get it.  I asked them not to do that anymore and explained why.  Told them to take her to McDs and eat but not to bring it home with her.  The next weekend when they brought her home, they brought her with two happy meals.  It wasn't asked of them but ya know what? They got it.  And I will always remember that.  This was Britt's step-mother and biological father, no relation to Alyssa.  And now her biological father wasn't even sticking up for her.  I get that its his mother and what a hard battle that would be, but you have to stand up for what is right no matter who it is.  Its what I believe and that day its what I taught my kids.

I told their dad that until Alyssa was allowed over there again, none of the kids would be coming.  She was not going to be singled out and it was not fair to ANY of them for that matter.  This was not teaching them anything.  Their grandma didn't even try to call Alyssa this whole time to talk to her, to tell her that she felt disrespected, to tell her that she can't do that ... nothing.  These are things that I teach my children.  Whether they want to apologize or not, they do because they know its the right thing to do .. and I make them.  But I'm the adult.  I act like the adult and for right now, they can act like kids.

Later that evening, Alyssa came in and hugged me and thanked me.  I didn't want her to do that.  It felt nice but this was something that any parent should have done.  I enjoy my children being around me and if they don't go see their dad then whatever.  But you're not going to take some and not all.  Its not fair and its not teaching them the right thing.  Alyssa didnt get away with anything ... she was punished the same night I picked her up when she was asked to leave.  Everyone deserves forgiveness.  Even a 15 year old girl.

One of these days my kids will not hate me for being so protective and they will not hold these petty arguments that their dad and I have against me.  They will understand.  I give them until their late 20s.  I am patient and I will wait.  It will come though.  It has to.  It has to because I love them more than anything in this world and would do anything for them. I will stand up to whoever I need to and I will fight for them when I need to.  They will succeed in everything they do and I hope that they learn at least half that success from me ... just for wanting whats right.

On to new things ... oh boy

This blog was supposed to be about the struggles that I have as a single mother and it kind of turned into my struggle with a teenage daughter.  Which I guess kind of goes with being a single mom and not because of my status but because I feel kind of alone at times when I am struggling with her.  Brian is great but he is not "there" yet.  He struggles as to what he should do and honestly I'm not sure how that would go with the kids.  Eventually it will be there because ... well he's another adult in the house ... and he should be respected as well.  And not that he will be the discipline in the home or things like that, but he shouldn't have to put up with it either. 

But today I am writing because I am in hopes that we are on a good path.  It hasn't started yet (the good part) but I'm hoping to realistically be there soon. Its going to require a lot of patience on my end and I am praying for it.  REALLY praying for it. 

Alyssa and I are going to counseling and I think the counselor is great and he makes a whole lot of sense and I think a lot of parents would be against what he says for that matter but I am pretty open-minded and I agree with most of what he says.  Out of control children are the product of their parents.  Basically we let her get away with so much that she has taken over.  And not get away with breaking the rules or things like that but being argumentative and yelling, etc.  She was diagnosed with bipolar and although I NEVER let her use that as a crutch for her behavior ... I think I did it sub-consciously.  When she would have tantrums or her screaming fits they were ignored because ... well she was sick.  And that basically gave her permission to do it.  When she would yell and scream and I lost my patience, I would yell back and she would mimick my actions.  Because as a parent we are role models.  And if I am modeling my behavior by yelling and screaming at a situation then that is what she is learning and that is what she is being taught is the right way to do things.  Instead of ignoring her ... instead of yelling at her, I should've told her that her behavior was not acceptable.  I should have given her acceptable punishments.  I should've followed through on more things. 

I've never really believed in grounding a child.  I never believed in this punishment because really what is that teaching them.  No freedom.  But go into your room and play your games ... watch tv ... but you are grounded.  Yah. Not really doing much.  And taking those things away from them for two, three or whatever days ... well eventually the parent is getting punished.  An hour in their room without these things and come out and do what you're supposed to or go back ... that is feasible.  When we were in one of our counseling sessions, the counselor said this to us.  You do what what you're supposed to do or go to your room for an hour.  After the hour you follow the rules ... if you don't then you return to your room ... and it goes on and on.  The counselor says "who is going to give up" and Alyssa laughed and said "mom".  Great.  Completely called me out on it and I didn't even realize it.  Well I kind of did but she knew it and thats not a good thing.  I always thought I followed through on my punishments.  But I give up too quickly.  Following through doesn't count if you do it half ass.  Go to your room for an hour doesn't mean after 20 minutes come out and let the dogs out for me.  It doesn't mean come out to eat your dinner. It means an hour.  But I never thought of it this way.

So we have started.  I'm still not too great at this.  Its early though.  I told her one night to clean the living room and she went to bed instead.  Normally I would just throw my hands up and say whatever and do it myself. This time though I woke her up and made her do it.  I watched her and she thought she was done several times but I pointed more out to her to do.  Thats the next step.  Writing it all down.  Leaving nothing unsaid so they can't come back and say "I didnt know".  And I mean details.  I have three tables in the living room and they're all listed individually and what to do to each one.  The list is long and probably overwhelming, but it looks worst than it really is.  We'll see what happens when she uses it.  The other thing is when they say they're done with their chores.  I just say "ok".  Again. This is known which .. again .. is not a good thing.  So they say they're done, they know I'm not checking, they get to do what they want and guess what? I'm left with finishing it because they're gone.  I've said ok.  *SIGH* ... so I have to get off my lazy butt and check.  This only ensures that they follow through with things.  Which is teaching them a lot more than cleaning house. I know this will only help develop things for their future in many other aspects of their lives.

So these few things sound pretty simple.  It hasn't been though.  The counselor said that it will only get worst before it gets any better.  She will retaliate more and she will be even more defiant.  I cant wait.  So next week is when all of these things start.  Where I will become more involved in everything that they do.  Not that I havent been ... but playing games and watching tv with the kids doesn't really constitute being a parent.  I am a good mom.  I'm really doing the best that I possibly can do.  I cook, I clean, I provide, I hug, I kiss, I mend fever and coughs, I help with homework, I talk to other parents, I talk to their friends, I do the things that I know that I am supposed to do.  I just need to do more to make sure they're okay when they leave me.

Now you see I keep referring to all of my children.  I have only one defiant child.  But when it comes to chores, when it comes to grounding, when it comes to punishments ... I treat them all the same.  Half-ass.  So I am going to put 100% into this and make sure that they are everything that I want them to be ... everything that I know they can be and a good part of society.  This is just the first step.  There are more.  But only baby steps.  Too much at once will only constitute more chaos.

So I am going to blog as much as I can about my experiences about this journey that I am about to take ... and I will learn as much as they do.  This will be good ... for all of us. 

You're not my Dad!!

No. He's not your dad.  And I knew that I would hear this eventually.  I wasn't sure when it was going to come up but it has.  I think I felt a little bad for Brian when this was said, although he knows his place in our home and he knows he is not "dad".  But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about them.  He reminds them of the things their supposed to do ... we butt heads quite a bit because he feels that I baby them...  He takes them to the store with him or has them help with yard work or he talks to them and gives the best advice that he can (except girl stuff, he doesn't touch girl stuff).  This doesn't make him dad .. it makes him an adult in the house that they have to respect.  In return, they get respect back.  All in all my kids and Brian have a wonderful relationship.  I don't know if they know what kind of relationship they have with him just yet and I'm not sure he knows either .. but its a good one nonetheless.  The thing is, is that Brian gives my kids more respect and looks over them more than their dad ever did.  I'm not saying that their dad isn't a good dad ... I think he might have come around a bit with them, but he just wants them busy and to leave him alone.  Brian wants them to do things either with him or not ... he just wants them occupied to fulfill their minds.  Brian isn't their dad though.  Their dad is a drunk.  Their dad is emotionally abusive.  Their dad sees them only four times a month.  Their dad is the "cool" one who gets to have lots of cookouts and buy presents for them when he wants.  Their dad is less than a part-time parent.  I hope Brian is proud that he not their dad ... he's much better.

Is it terrible to even think of hating one of your own ...

I never in a million years ever thought that I could hate my own child.  I still don't think I hate her, I love her so much but I am just drained.   I am drained emotionally, physically and mentally ... but this is what she thrives on.  She wants me to be drained so that I give up and just give in.  I try to be a little lenient but then I try to be strict because it is MY job to make sure my children succeed and do well in life.  I can only do so much but I am taking the job description pretty serious.  She wants so many positive things for her future and they all are pretty realistic but the things that she does now is leading her on the wrong path ... I try to tell her this.  And those who know me, know that I don't sugar coat much but she doesn't get it.  I have drug tested her (and no she didn't pass) but she didn't care.  She passes the buck on to anyone else around her but yet we all know that she is the one responsible.  She can be holding something that she stole but yet look you dead in the eye and tell you that she didn't do it and she just doesn't know who did.  She will even carry on for another hour or so just WONDERING who in the world took that!  "Mom, if I'm getting blamed for something that I didn't do, I want to know who did" ... then about 2 hours later she admits to her wrongdoing.  I have tried everything.  I have tried every single form of punishment there was.  You name it and I have done it.  I have whooped her, I have grounded her, I have made her do extra chores, I have taken her door from her hinges, I have given her earlier curfews ... I have nothing left in me.  She doesnt want to be at home although she says she does.  I had to file unruliness charges against her but she doesn't care about that either.  We're waiting on a court date and I am honestly hoping that she goes to juvi.  Just to show her a lesson because none of mine work.  I have read books ... I have read internet site ... I have done all that I can possibly do ... and if someones says well you're not doing this, then I will!!! ... I have listened to sermons .. I have prayed to God ... I have just collapsed in exhaustion onto my bed hoping that someone would just come and whisk me away to get rid of the noise.  I just want her to be okay .. I want her to be a teenager but not a reckless one ... I have three children and two of them I know will succeed ... this one I am scared for.  I am very scared for.