An In-depth Look at my Resolutions

I usually use my blog to kind of vent about things and to be self aware of other things that are potentially bothering me.  I haven't wrote in awhile which doesn't mean that things around here are rosy but I think that I am handling things better.

Its mid-January and I have hope for an even better year than last year.  I had a great year for the most part in 2011 and I can only hope for better and if not, that's okay.  I'm still blessed.

I have a few things that I want to work on this year to improve myself. 



Of course there's finances but not "to be better with money" its more to make sure that we have money.  Brian is working now and although we were a bit careless this past week its nice to know that the money will be there every week.  We've discussed our money, talked about a budget and I think we're pretty much on the same page.  Things I've stressed about in the past like how long people were taking showers for, lights being left on were little to everyone and I was just being a nag.  But now that Brian is contributing he's seeing why I pay attention to every detail of these things.  He's right there with me now. He understands and that means so much to me.  For once I don't feel like I have all the weight of our finances on my shoulders alone.  I have a partner.  A real partner to share the stress of life with.  Its a great feeling.

Parenting.  I don't think that I'm a bad parent.  I think that I'm strict and probably too strict sometimes, but its only because I want to protect my kids and hopefully one day they'll get it.  I have always had a problem sharing the parenting though.  Even with their dad.  We never agreed on anything when it came to the kids.  I always that their dad was too lenient which I believe has led them to make wrong decisions.  Now I am being accused of being the lenient one but I feel that Brian jumps on them too easily.  What my hope this year is to not become more strict or more lenient but to communicate more with Brian on these things.  I have a problem with almost everything of trying to always sway the other person to agree with me which kind of puts a wall up in front of me that makes ME the closed-minded one.  I have been saying that he has no "right" to punish the kids that's he's not their dad.  But ya know what?  He might as well be.  The kids should feel lucky to have two dads and to be cared about by so many people.  Brian is right beside me when it comes to them making good decisions ... he has their best interest at hand and so do I.  I'm obsessed with my kids which won't ever change.  I've been told that it's not a good thing, but when my children are home with me I don't want to leave.  This is really on the weekends.  Not leaving as in going to somewhere during the day or a friends home, but going "out".  I just don't believe that I should be taking time away from the kids - whether we're doing things together or not - for me to go and party.  I have plenty of life to do that and they're gone two weekends out of the month ... I can wait a week.  Parenting is a big one that Brian and I both have to work on together.  I need to let him help me parent the kids and we both need to communicate more when it comes to the kids.  If we can get over that hump it will be easier.

Family.  I love my family very much.  I might not like all of them but I do love them.  I've been trying to make sure that I set aside more time for my grandmother, especially now that I live closer.  I take her where she needs to go, Brian and I both cook for her, I visit and the kids visit.  Maybe a movie night with her once a month .. something that we both enjoy.  I don't believe that I need more time with her, but the quality of the time that we spend is more important.  I also want to make sure that I spend more time with my sister, my best friend and my uncles.  I don't have a lot of money but there could be lunch involved or just a visit.  I want to make sure that I'm available to them when they need me, for them to know that I love them and that I am here.

Our home.  I love the home that we're in.  The up and down the stairs could be better, but it looks so great and I really owe that to Brian.  First he is the one that busted his ass getting us in here as quickly as possible but he really does clean much better than I do.  I keep up and do okay I think, but he does better. Plain and simple.  I cook better though ;) ... And recently an opportunity has been presented to us to buy my grandmother (Uncle Tim)'s home.  I have always wanted that house since I have moved away.  It has everything we've ever wanted, we're getting a great deal on it and eventually we could do what we wanted to do with it.  Right now, however, my grandmother is still living in it with my Uncle.  He wants to move and sell me the house and in turn, I would take care of my grandmother until she goes and meets the Lord.  I am more than okay with this.  Of course there's some hesitation living with my grandma, not that I think it will be horrific or anything but rules and whatnot.  I'm not sure if I will feel like I'm an adult ... but whatever.  I will be there for her so much more and able to care for her.  This will make my world so much better.  I asked her how she felt about the idea and she said it would be fantastic so I'm guessing that she is more than okay with it too.  Lots to do in the house to prepare for it however.  And we need to build up our credit to finance the home ... but we're on our way to getting that done.  I feel very good about it.  I smile when I think about it and know that it would be a good move for us and I would know that grandmother will be okay.  Not that she isn't now, but I would be there.  That's what is important to me.

Myself.  I always come last.  This is by choice.  I do not buy myself things. I do not treat myself.  So I am going to start taking more bubble baths, listening to more classical and Christian music.  I am going to pray more and thank the Lord for everything that I have.  I am going to take care of myself and my body.

*********************
Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for giving me the time and ability to spend a few hours with my grandmother. Thank you for keeping my children healthy.  Thank you for giving my wonderful husband the ability to work and providing work for him.  Thank you for the beautiful weather you gave us today.  Thank you for allowing me to wake up this morning and all the smiles that were brought to my face today.  I know Lord that without you none of these things would be possible.  Thank you thank you thank you.  Amen.

I am wonderful

I've been feeling down lately. really down.  Ya know how it goes ... nothing is going right, the world is against you ... why me poor me ... yah the whole nine yards.  I talked to my sister in law and she told me to call her Pastor which I did.  That was about a week ago and today he called me.  Kinda odd that he called me today because today the rain turned into a storm and I needed to talk to someone.

I can't say that he made me feel better because he didn't.  He didn't say woe is you and that everything will be okay.  He listened to me as I told him why I felt disconnected from God and why I didn't trust to just hand over everything to someone that gives so much to people that could care less while I try to be a good person and do the right thing and things just keep getting worst and worst for me.  I wasn't trying to play the victim here, I really don't understand it.  I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders and I WANT to hand it over to Him .. I WANT to say here - have at it! ... but I can't.  I'm just not there yet I guess.

He made me realize that pretty much all my life I have been rejected in one way or another.  I was changing my sister's diapers at the age of 2 because my parents wanted to go and party instead of be home with us.  Rejected.  That I met my dad when I was older and he chose his girlfriend over me.  Rejected.  How my oldest daughter's biological father wanted the attention and hung himself to get it.  Not really rejected but rather scarred because before all of this he had to beat the crap out of me to make sure that I stayed in my place I guess.  My ex husband would rather drink than love me and his family. Rejected.  And now I am where I don't necessarily really like people, I would rather be at home with just me because who can hurt me if I'm at home?  Brian is amazing but I can't take a compliment and don't feel worthy of that love which is probably why I kick him out everytime we get into an argument.  So if I don't feel worthy of anyone how in the world could I feel worthy of God?  I mean its GOD.  And after all this rejection how can I possibly trust anyone to do anything for me ... especially take the world off of my shoulders?  How could I do that?  I've tried .. I've said the words but I still wake with the same burdens and so I figure okay.  Okay.  I get it.  Its just me against the world.  And I was okay with that.  But then it all became too much.  Way too much and I turned to Him and I asked why he wasn't there?  WHY AREN'T YOU HERE GUIDING ME AND HELPING ME???  I need someone and He is supposed to be there unconditionally .... forever, no matter what.  He would not reject me ... but yet while my world is falling apart all around me I still feel alone.  Pastor Doug told me no.  That He was there.  That He has been there the whole time, its just that I didn't hear Him.  I didn't hear Him because I have been programmed since I was a little girl that the only voice I hear is that you're not worthy.  You're not enough.  You'll never be enough.  And well we know who that is ... and well I don't want to hear that voice anymore.  So how do I get there I asked.  How do i let go enough to trust Him, to let things go ... to build the intimate relationship that I want so badly.

Pastor Doug made so much sense to me and he didn't look down on me and make me feel bad about myself.  He reminded me that yes, He loves me.  That yes, I am worthy.  He reminded me that He knows me better than anyone else.  He created me.  He knows me from the inside out.  No one knows me better.  And better yet He loves me.

Now I didn't walk away having what I have sought for so long .. it doesn't happen like that.  Pastor Doug told me that it will take time and that I need to turn to my Bible and become a part of a family, so to speak.  I'm not sure how he worded it ... but suggested that I go to growth groups so I can relate to people and become a part of them.  Told me about the youth group there for the kids.  I know I need to do this and its not even about need ... I mean heck I "need" to go to work everyday ... this is something that I want.  I want this relationship very badly and I am willing to work for it.  I don't know how to start but Pastor Doug told me baby steps and I can do that.  He told me to keep reminding myself how wonderful I am and although it was hard for me, he had me say it before I left.  I am wonderful.

I am wonderful.  He told me that when I get the haters in my ears just tell myself that I am wonderful.  That I was fearfully and abundantly made.  I am wonderful.  God doesn't make mistakes.

And ya know what?  I think I am wonderful ... today at least.  right now.  And hopefully my baby step into this new relationship will make me know how wonderful I am ... and that I am worthy of His love, of Brian's love ... of my own self love.

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

*sigh*

I am not perfect. I have never thought of myself as perfect. I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make them ... hopefully not the same ones but I will still make mistakes.  I have three great children.  One of them happen to be a bit more of a handful than I ever thought could be possible, but then when do parents sit and tell you about their children's faults? I always want to brag about my kids ... even the troublemaker, I do not want to ever tell you or anyone that there are some days I just want to give up and other days that I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  I have prayed. I have read books. I have gone to counseling. I have joined sites on the internet for support. But yet, I continue to struggle with her and the worst that it gets the more that I feel I have failed.  Not as a parent but her.  I feel that I have failed her.  Life is tough. We all know it and I know that she has had plenty to deal with .. the thing I guess is, is that everyone deals with things differently.  She doesn't do so well.  Sometimes I wonder if I had a stronger hand growing up if I would've been like her.  I was coddled, spoiled and my mistakes were always kinda grazed over and instead of learning from them I was kinda taught to forget them.  My grandmother is a great person and as I have said before she is my best friend, but confrontation is something that she doesn't do.  If she feels you are doing wrong or disagrees with you she doesn't tend to express it.  She might tell someone else, but she doesn't ever tell you.  So maybe I'm missing something.  Maybe something was wrong as I grew up that I needed to learn and I didn't ... maybe that is why I am a failure for my daughter.  Maybe its because growing up I had it all and didn't know struggle and didn't know broken families.  I don't know.  I don't know what she is dealing with.  I wish I did.  I wish I knew so that maybe I could help her more than I am.  I wish I could take away all of her hurt and the voices in her head and the struggle that she has.  I really do, but I can't.  And I can't fix it either and that is probably the worst part.  I AM HER MOTHER! I am supposed to fix everything.  I am supposed to make everything better and put a band aid on, sing a song and she is supposed to be okay and that is not what is happening.  Its not what is happening and I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do about it. NO IDEA. I am lost and broken all at once and not because of what I have to deal with, but because I don't know what to do for her.

never giving up

One day I'll figure it out. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I will. One thing I know is that I wont give up. I wont give up on her, not now, not ever.  I feel for her. I can't really imagine what she is going through but then I kinda feel for me because of what she is putting me through. Putting me and my family through. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I want to fix this. I want everything to just be okay and go on with our days without something new coming up, but that's just not going to happen.  I've done this for so long with her I thought that I would have this down pat by now but yet I feel like I'm not even close.

When its come to her I've always felt alone.  I always felt that I was the only one that could really understand her but then there's more days than not that I'm like what the heck is she doing and why?  I always question what I have done to make her hate me ... what I have done to make her make so many cruel things up about me, but I know its not me.  I'm a good mom.  I know that I am.  When I was married I was supposed to have a partner in this. I was supposed to have someone to turn to on my dark days when I was trying to be strong for her.  Because wow is it hard to be strong for her ... but then one day he told me that he couldn't do it with her anymore and that I was on my own.  Of course it upset me and I was like how can her own dad just give up on her?  And then it was like dominoes.  Everyone started giving up on her.  No one wanted her around, she was blamed for everything, she was banned from people's homes ... but I stood beside her.  She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally ... I will be there to catch her when she falls.  I might let her scrape her knees a few times so she will learn but I will never leave her ... I will never give up on her like so many have.

I realize that she brings this on herself, I know that she needs more than most teens her age.  I'm trying but its a long road and I'm so scared that I'm going to run out of time.  

So she runs away.  I shut down.  Where is my daughter? I miss her .. I am worried .. I just want her home.  She has huge consequences that she has to face but I am still there, right next to her.  My rock was my husband, her step dad.  But now ... now he has given up on her too.  So again, I feel alone.

I don't and won't ever justify her actions and she will always pay the price .. but she is my daughter and I will always love her and I will continue to show her the right way and just hope and just pray that she will follow the right path.

I hope she realizes how much I love her and how deep my love for her really is.  I hope that she knows that my hand is always here for her to hold and that if she wants to lay with me and cuddle and cry that its okay and I'll be there for that too.  I tell her.  She is too big for that though.

I guess its just me and her against the world.  That's okay.  I'll figure this out.  I will be strong for her.  She will be a wonderful woman and be successful ... but I just wonder who is going to be strong for me.  On the outside I can conquer and do anything but behind closed doors I am nothing but a mess.  And when the going gets tough as it will ... I will do everything I possibly can for her and I will be her backbone if she needs me to be and I will teach her the lessons that she needs to be taught and then I will be there to hug her when she feels the guilt and remorse.  But when I am done consoling her and she has that beautiful smile on her face, who is going to help me put my pieces back together ... 

I'm so sorry that everyone has given up on her ... I'm not sure that I blame them although I don't understand how you would do that to someone that you love.  Alyssa is such a great person, she really is.  She has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in one person, the smile that will make you want to talk to her, beauty that is stunning and a personality that makes you smile and that's the Alyssa that I'm going to make sure everyone knows. That's the Alyssa that I know everyone loves.  The other part of her is the one that we're going to work on.  She is troubled. She needs me.  But I still love her even when shes troubled ... I will never give up on her and shame on those that have because eventually she will be okay and I will be proud of her and she will should be proud of herself.  

Lord watch over my daughter and take her fears away, calm her thoughts and let her know how much she is loved.  I know that You are perfect Lord and that You will help us get through anything.  Show Yourself into Alyssa's heart and show her how wonderful Your love is.  Amen.

I like to control things and it's not because I want to, it's because it's what I've always been expected to do.  I want people to tell me for once how things are going to go believe it or not, but because I have always been in control for so long it's hard to let go of that role.  After so long it defines you and to let go of that is a bit scary because then what role do I play in people's lives.  The controlling is as little as deciding what we're going to have for dinner to as big as what bills will be paid from what paycheck ... its not great to have everything on your shoulders and then those people resent you for having all the control but yet they want to take none on themselves.

I am a very anxious person and anything that is out of my element or comfort zone is a big deal to me, so letting go of any kind of control is huge.  I want it but it causes a great deal of anxiety.  I need to know that its all going smooth and if I don't do it or I'm not the one that's in the forefront, how do I know that's its getting done the way that it's supposed to.  Not necessary "my" way ... but in a successful way.

This past week I let go of the grocery shopping for the first time in almost 20 years.  I am still getting anxiety from it.  I think that the money was overspent and that it could've been done in a more economical way.  I looked at the receipt and everything that was on there we needed, and we haven't had to go to the grocery store to buy anything for dinners because well he achieved that.  He bought things we needed for the cupboards and things for dinner but because I didn't do it I am still anxious over it.  I even made the grocery list so I had something to do with it.  Although he did go off of the list a little, he still did a great job.  But I'm not sure I can do it again.

The thing is, is that I need to let this go and I'm not sure how.  I'm always saying that I need more off of my plate but when the slack is picked up I freak out.  I don't know if I need the chaos or if I'm just so used to it that I don't know what to do without it.

Something I need to ponder I suppose.  Something to bring up to the counselor.

He thinks that I am trying to control him.  Trying to run his life. That's not what its about though, I just don't think that his decisions are thought through and I don't believe that I should be put on the back burner when it comes to deciding if he should be with me or a friend.  That is not being controlling .... I don't think.

How do you stand back and let people make bad decisions when they're your husband or your're children or just simply people that you love?  How do you do that and especially when ultimately those decisions can effect you and/or your family?  I can't.  I'm supposed to because .... well there's some things you can't control no matter how hard you try.

I was watching Joel Osteen the other night and he was talking about people that talk bad about you basically.  That you should learn to ignore them.  A bit easier said than done.  But a lesson nonetheless.  Something to think about and something to work on.  I am trying and I know that with each day it will get easier.  But I've noticed that it doesn't stop with just me.  You don't realize that things like that effect pretty much everyone that you know but I learned today that its effecting the kids.  All three of them and the conflict is that its with family members.  I know that kids have "drama" and its expected with their ages but this is with family and well it kinda upsets me.  But it makes me realize that in order for them to be able to overlook what people say that I have to set the example, which makes my lesson a bit accelerated.  I need to lead by example.

Anthony hasnt gone to his dad's house in about a month.  The thing with Anthony is that he is different.  He doesnt have many friends and he is more than fine with that.  I encourage socialization but his idea of socialization is talking to some kids on his way home from the bus stop.  He doesn't want to invite anyone over and he doesn't always want to seek someone else to play with outside either.  Now he does play with other children but its not often.  He is definitely not a social butterfly but he is a happy kid and as long he is happy I see no reason to encourage change.  The reason that he has not gone to his dad's house is because his grandmother has apparently been making comments to him about eating at the house and drinking pop, etc. and although these things aren't true it bothers him that she says these things.  Brittney and Anthony are very close so I brought her into the conversation and explained to her what his reasons were and she put on her little 17 yr old attitude and was like well she can say whatever she wants but dad buys the food so I don't care what she says.  I replied that he does though.  She said, well just ignore her.  So I looked at her and said, you know how your sister says things to you and I tell you to ignore her and you say you can't, which she agreed.  Well same thing.  Brittney no longer had an answer for him.  Neither did I.

So in order to get the answer I need to reflect.  I need to figure it out so that I can teach my children that some things people say to you just need to be overlooked.  If they see these things bother me, they will be bothered as well.

Lesson in the making.

I'm not even sure what I'm writing about tonight.  My heart is heavy.  A family member who I have always considered to be my best friend who I would do anything in the world for has disappointed me.  Now I know life is just full of disappointments, its come to light recently that she has disappointed me for a very long time.  I have confided so many things in her about my family, my life, some personal and some not so much.  But she has shared these confidences with pretty much everyone who would listen.  I've heard people from the grapevine say things like this about her and for some reason I just thought I was different.  I mean she WAS my best friend.  Why wouldn't I think I was different.  And when she gossiped to me about other people I once again thought I was immune to that as well.  Recently it was one of my children that was attacked. Alyssa to be specific - I'll use her name - about some things that came up missing.  Now of course, whether you're my best friend or not I'm coming to the defense of my child, but only if I feel that the person is wrong. My daughter has been guilty of many things and wow has she given me a ride for the most part, so I'm pretty open-minded about things when it comes to her.  However, when I KNOW and I am adamant that she is innocent, a very strong mind and opinion will be made by me.  But I don't think it was as much as the statement was made that she did the wrongdoing, it was that she told everyone about it.  Everyone.  So now many 15 year old daughter has been tainted in the eyes of many.  She will never overcome that, it will live with her forever....she has now been labeled and its not fair.  She is a child.


I was raised by my grandparents and I have put them along with every one of my aunts and uncles on a pedestal.  I have accepted every one of them with all of their faults so I can have a relationship with them, but now they have come to judge me based on things they know nothing about.  Based on things that they have heard.  They didn't come to me, they don't even know me.  I don't get phone calls asking me how I am or how my family is doing because they think they already know.  They listen to everyone else and base that knowledge on those conversations .. none of which I am involved in.  And then because of who I am, I become defensive and want them to hear me.  I want them to hear my side and make them understand ... but they don't.  They don't want to hear it because their source is reliable.  A few months ago I would've considered their source just as reliable.


So I met a man a little over a year ago who made my heart soar.  He is everything to me.  He treats me with more respect than I think I have ever gotten.  So now I hear that it is being said within the family, of course, that he doesn't work.  It makes me wonder ... if he doesn't work then where in the world is he going every night? What is he doing to get that paycheck directly deposited into our account every week? How in the world did he afford to buy me gifts or my kids gifts?  


So for me this is heartbreaking because someone that I love so much and once respected has betrayed me.  Not only have lies been told of me but my personal things have been repeated.  I have always said that you shouldn't tell people things if you don't want them repeated...but I think there is a pretty basic rule there and you should be able to weed out the things that you know shouldn't be repeated.


Another family member verbally attacked me last year.  She called me many names and threw things out that were completely untrue and I sat there very calmly and just kept repeating, you don't know what you're talking about.  But after thinking about this for some time, I realize that she was saying things that she believed was true.  She believed them because of her reliable source.


I still believe that love is unconditional.  I love this person more than anything and I will still do anything for her, but I do it with a heavy heart.  


So tonight I am praying.  I am praying to see where God wants me to go.  What He thinks I should do from here.  Because I no longer feel that this is the place for me.  I was once surrounded by family that loved me and now they've all abandoned me.


I write this through tears because so many people that I have thought so much of and I have defended through gritted teeth would not have done the same for me.  They've shown to me their true colors and it makes me so sad.  More sad than I have felt in a long time.  I am scared to lose people before I am ready to lose them because I want this worked out, but its not going to happen soon.  And if I leave.  If I move far away no one would care.  I'm not playing victim here ... I stay here in Ohio because of my family ... but what family?


I thought when Brian and I got together that I had a new family so to speak.  And I do love all of them ... but for some reason they keep me at arms length.  I don't know why and I'm not sure if I care.  I just love everyone so hard and maybe I'm naive and I should be more alert first.  I don't know.  My birthday just came and none of my family ... in-laws or immediate even wished me a happy birthday.  Not one could take time out of their schedule to text me, call me or write on the infamous facebook wall. It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  I know its just a birthday, but a small gesture would've been nice.  Just a little one.  I thanked every single person that wished me a happy birthday personally because I figured if they could take time out of their day to say it, I could take time out of mine to thank them.  I felt good doing that.  Just to acknowledge that I know they remembered me on my day.


I still love my family.  I always will.  There are some that I have much more respect for than others but I still love them.  But I no longer like most of them.  I don't like being talked about and moreso I don't like being lied about.  


I guess what my biggest problem is, is that I feel alone.  Abandoned.  I can't even say that I don't have anything to be sorry for, because no one has told me ... came to me ... and talked to me about anything.


I know what the truth is.  I know firsthand what has happened in my life, so I guess the best person to get that answer from would be me.  


So tonight I am praying and hoping that He will show me what my next adventure should be for my family.  For the four of us... because no one else matters anymore.  Not on his side. Not on my side. What keeps us here?  Phone calls to party? Phone calls to come and fix things?  No one calls just to say hey.  No one calls just to see how everyone is doing ... in fact no one even asks when we see them.  So what has this done?  It has pushed us away ... perhaps 9 hours away.  But who knows.  Who knows what He tells us do.


I have everything I need and everyone I want right here with me ... in my home.  I thought I had more once. I guess I'm just more sorry that I have been wrote off in some people's lives for no reason ... and kept at an arms length by others for no reason.  


But it is what it is right? Thats life.  Just take it and roll with it.