*sigh*

I am not perfect. I have never thought of myself as perfect. I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make them ... hopefully not the same ones but I will still make mistakes.  I have three great children.  One of them happen to be a bit more of a handful than I ever thought could be possible, but then when do parents sit and tell you about their children's faults? I always want to brag about my kids ... even the troublemaker, I do not want to ever tell you or anyone that there are some days I just want to give up and other days that I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  I have prayed. I have read books. I have gone to counseling. I have joined sites on the internet for support. But yet, I continue to struggle with her and the worst that it gets the more that I feel I have failed.  Not as a parent but her.  I feel that I have failed her.  Life is tough. We all know it and I know that she has had plenty to deal with .. the thing I guess is, is that everyone deals with things differently.  She doesn't do so well.  Sometimes I wonder if I had a stronger hand growing up if I would've been like her.  I was coddled, spoiled and my mistakes were always kinda grazed over and instead of learning from them I was kinda taught to forget them.  My grandmother is a great person and as I have said before she is my best friend, but confrontation is something that she doesn't do.  If she feels you are doing wrong or disagrees with you she doesn't tend to express it.  She might tell someone else, but she doesn't ever tell you.  So maybe I'm missing something.  Maybe something was wrong as I grew up that I needed to learn and I didn't ... maybe that is why I am a failure for my daughter.  Maybe its because growing up I had it all and didn't know struggle and didn't know broken families.  I don't know.  I don't know what she is dealing with.  I wish I did.  I wish I knew so that maybe I could help her more than I am.  I wish I could take away all of her hurt and the voices in her head and the struggle that she has.  I really do, but I can't.  And I can't fix it either and that is probably the worst part.  I AM HER MOTHER! I am supposed to fix everything.  I am supposed to make everything better and put a band aid on, sing a song and she is supposed to be okay and that is not what is happening.  Its not what is happening and I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do about it. NO IDEA. I am lost and broken all at once and not because of what I have to deal with, but because I don't know what to do for her.

never giving up

One day I'll figure it out. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I will. One thing I know is that I wont give up. I wont give up on her, not now, not ever.  I feel for her. I can't really imagine what she is going through but then I kinda feel for me because of what she is putting me through. Putting me and my family through. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I want to fix this. I want everything to just be okay and go on with our days without something new coming up, but that's just not going to happen.  I've done this for so long with her I thought that I would have this down pat by now but yet I feel like I'm not even close.

When its come to her I've always felt alone.  I always felt that I was the only one that could really understand her but then there's more days than not that I'm like what the heck is she doing and why?  I always question what I have done to make her hate me ... what I have done to make her make so many cruel things up about me, but I know its not me.  I'm a good mom.  I know that I am.  When I was married I was supposed to have a partner in this. I was supposed to have someone to turn to on my dark days when I was trying to be strong for her.  Because wow is it hard to be strong for her ... but then one day he told me that he couldn't do it with her anymore and that I was on my own.  Of course it upset me and I was like how can her own dad just give up on her?  And then it was like dominoes.  Everyone started giving up on her.  No one wanted her around, she was blamed for everything, she was banned from people's homes ... but I stood beside her.  She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally ... I will be there to catch her when she falls.  I might let her scrape her knees a few times so she will learn but I will never leave her ... I will never give up on her like so many have.

I realize that she brings this on herself, I know that she needs more than most teens her age.  I'm trying but its a long road and I'm so scared that I'm going to run out of time.  

So she runs away.  I shut down.  Where is my daughter? I miss her .. I am worried .. I just want her home.  She has huge consequences that she has to face but I am still there, right next to her.  My rock was my husband, her step dad.  But now ... now he has given up on her too.  So again, I feel alone.

I don't and won't ever justify her actions and she will always pay the price .. but she is my daughter and I will always love her and I will continue to show her the right way and just hope and just pray that she will follow the right path.

I hope she realizes how much I love her and how deep my love for her really is.  I hope that she knows that my hand is always here for her to hold and that if she wants to lay with me and cuddle and cry that its okay and I'll be there for that too.  I tell her.  She is too big for that though.

I guess its just me and her against the world.  That's okay.  I'll figure this out.  I will be strong for her.  She will be a wonderful woman and be successful ... but I just wonder who is going to be strong for me.  On the outside I can conquer and do anything but behind closed doors I am nothing but a mess.  And when the going gets tough as it will ... I will do everything I possibly can for her and I will be her backbone if she needs me to be and I will teach her the lessons that she needs to be taught and then I will be there to hug her when she feels the guilt and remorse.  But when I am done consoling her and she has that beautiful smile on her face, who is going to help me put my pieces back together ... 

I'm so sorry that everyone has given up on her ... I'm not sure that I blame them although I don't understand how you would do that to someone that you love.  Alyssa is such a great person, she really is.  She has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in one person, the smile that will make you want to talk to her, beauty that is stunning and a personality that makes you smile and that's the Alyssa that I'm going to make sure everyone knows. That's the Alyssa that I know everyone loves.  The other part of her is the one that we're going to work on.  She is troubled. She needs me.  But I still love her even when shes troubled ... I will never give up on her and shame on those that have because eventually she will be okay and I will be proud of her and she will should be proud of herself.  

Lord watch over my daughter and take her fears away, calm her thoughts and let her know how much she is loved.  I know that You are perfect Lord and that You will help us get through anything.  Show Yourself into Alyssa's heart and show her how wonderful Your love is.  Amen.

I like to control things and it's not because I want to, it's because it's what I've always been expected to do.  I want people to tell me for once how things are going to go believe it or not, but because I have always been in control for so long it's hard to let go of that role.  After so long it defines you and to let go of that is a bit scary because then what role do I play in people's lives.  The controlling is as little as deciding what we're going to have for dinner to as big as what bills will be paid from what paycheck ... its not great to have everything on your shoulders and then those people resent you for having all the control but yet they want to take none on themselves.

I am a very anxious person and anything that is out of my element or comfort zone is a big deal to me, so letting go of any kind of control is huge.  I want it but it causes a great deal of anxiety.  I need to know that its all going smooth and if I don't do it or I'm not the one that's in the forefront, how do I know that's its getting done the way that it's supposed to.  Not necessary "my" way ... but in a successful way.

This past week I let go of the grocery shopping for the first time in almost 20 years.  I am still getting anxiety from it.  I think that the money was overspent and that it could've been done in a more economical way.  I looked at the receipt and everything that was on there we needed, and we haven't had to go to the grocery store to buy anything for dinners because well he achieved that.  He bought things we needed for the cupboards and things for dinner but because I didn't do it I am still anxious over it.  I even made the grocery list so I had something to do with it.  Although he did go off of the list a little, he still did a great job.  But I'm not sure I can do it again.

The thing is, is that I need to let this go and I'm not sure how.  I'm always saying that I need more off of my plate but when the slack is picked up I freak out.  I don't know if I need the chaos or if I'm just so used to it that I don't know what to do without it.

Something I need to ponder I suppose.  Something to bring up to the counselor.

He thinks that I am trying to control him.  Trying to run his life. That's not what its about though, I just don't think that his decisions are thought through and I don't believe that I should be put on the back burner when it comes to deciding if he should be with me or a friend.  That is not being controlling .... I don't think.

How do you stand back and let people make bad decisions when they're your husband or your're children or just simply people that you love?  How do you do that and especially when ultimately those decisions can effect you and/or your family?  I can't.  I'm supposed to because .... well there's some things you can't control no matter how hard you try.

I was watching Joel Osteen the other night and he was talking about people that talk bad about you basically.  That you should learn to ignore them.  A bit easier said than done.  But a lesson nonetheless.  Something to think about and something to work on.  I am trying and I know that with each day it will get easier.  But I've noticed that it doesn't stop with just me.  You don't realize that things like that effect pretty much everyone that you know but I learned today that its effecting the kids.  All three of them and the conflict is that its with family members.  I know that kids have "drama" and its expected with their ages but this is with family and well it kinda upsets me.  But it makes me realize that in order for them to be able to overlook what people say that I have to set the example, which makes my lesson a bit accelerated.  I need to lead by example.

Anthony hasnt gone to his dad's house in about a month.  The thing with Anthony is that he is different.  He doesnt have many friends and he is more than fine with that.  I encourage socialization but his idea of socialization is talking to some kids on his way home from the bus stop.  He doesn't want to invite anyone over and he doesn't always want to seek someone else to play with outside either.  Now he does play with other children but its not often.  He is definitely not a social butterfly but he is a happy kid and as long he is happy I see no reason to encourage change.  The reason that he has not gone to his dad's house is because his grandmother has apparently been making comments to him about eating at the house and drinking pop, etc. and although these things aren't true it bothers him that she says these things.  Brittney and Anthony are very close so I brought her into the conversation and explained to her what his reasons were and she put on her little 17 yr old attitude and was like well she can say whatever she wants but dad buys the food so I don't care what she says.  I replied that he does though.  She said, well just ignore her.  So I looked at her and said, you know how your sister says things to you and I tell you to ignore her and you say you can't, which she agreed.  Well same thing.  Brittney no longer had an answer for him.  Neither did I.

So in order to get the answer I need to reflect.  I need to figure it out so that I can teach my children that some things people say to you just need to be overlooked.  If they see these things bother me, they will be bothered as well.

Lesson in the making.

I'm not even sure what I'm writing about tonight.  My heart is heavy.  A family member who I have always considered to be my best friend who I would do anything in the world for has disappointed me.  Now I know life is just full of disappointments, its come to light recently that she has disappointed me for a very long time.  I have confided so many things in her about my family, my life, some personal and some not so much.  But she has shared these confidences with pretty much everyone who would listen.  I've heard people from the grapevine say things like this about her and for some reason I just thought I was different.  I mean she WAS my best friend.  Why wouldn't I think I was different.  And when she gossiped to me about other people I once again thought I was immune to that as well.  Recently it was one of my children that was attacked. Alyssa to be specific - I'll use her name - about some things that came up missing.  Now of course, whether you're my best friend or not I'm coming to the defense of my child, but only if I feel that the person is wrong. My daughter has been guilty of many things and wow has she given me a ride for the most part, so I'm pretty open-minded about things when it comes to her.  However, when I KNOW and I am adamant that she is innocent, a very strong mind and opinion will be made by me.  But I don't think it was as much as the statement was made that she did the wrongdoing, it was that she told everyone about it.  Everyone.  So now many 15 year old daughter has been tainted in the eyes of many.  She will never overcome that, it will live with her forever....she has now been labeled and its not fair.  She is a child.


I was raised by my grandparents and I have put them along with every one of my aunts and uncles on a pedestal.  I have accepted every one of them with all of their faults so I can have a relationship with them, but now they have come to judge me based on things they know nothing about.  Based on things that they have heard.  They didn't come to me, they don't even know me.  I don't get phone calls asking me how I am or how my family is doing because they think they already know.  They listen to everyone else and base that knowledge on those conversations .. none of which I am involved in.  And then because of who I am, I become defensive and want them to hear me.  I want them to hear my side and make them understand ... but they don't.  They don't want to hear it because their source is reliable.  A few months ago I would've considered their source just as reliable.


So I met a man a little over a year ago who made my heart soar.  He is everything to me.  He treats me with more respect than I think I have ever gotten.  So now I hear that it is being said within the family, of course, that he doesn't work.  It makes me wonder ... if he doesn't work then where in the world is he going every night? What is he doing to get that paycheck directly deposited into our account every week? How in the world did he afford to buy me gifts or my kids gifts?  


So for me this is heartbreaking because someone that I love so much and once respected has betrayed me.  Not only have lies been told of me but my personal things have been repeated.  I have always said that you shouldn't tell people things if you don't want them repeated...but I think there is a pretty basic rule there and you should be able to weed out the things that you know shouldn't be repeated.


Another family member verbally attacked me last year.  She called me many names and threw things out that were completely untrue and I sat there very calmly and just kept repeating, you don't know what you're talking about.  But after thinking about this for some time, I realize that she was saying things that she believed was true.  She believed them because of her reliable source.


I still believe that love is unconditional.  I love this person more than anything and I will still do anything for her, but I do it with a heavy heart.  


So tonight I am praying.  I am praying to see where God wants me to go.  What He thinks I should do from here.  Because I no longer feel that this is the place for me.  I was once surrounded by family that loved me and now they've all abandoned me.


I write this through tears because so many people that I have thought so much of and I have defended through gritted teeth would not have done the same for me.  They've shown to me their true colors and it makes me so sad.  More sad than I have felt in a long time.  I am scared to lose people before I am ready to lose them because I want this worked out, but its not going to happen soon.  And if I leave.  If I move far away no one would care.  I'm not playing victim here ... I stay here in Ohio because of my family ... but what family?


I thought when Brian and I got together that I had a new family so to speak.  And I do love all of them ... but for some reason they keep me at arms length.  I don't know why and I'm not sure if I care.  I just love everyone so hard and maybe I'm naive and I should be more alert first.  I don't know.  My birthday just came and none of my family ... in-laws or immediate even wished me a happy birthday.  Not one could take time out of their schedule to text me, call me or write on the infamous facebook wall. It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  I know its just a birthday, but a small gesture would've been nice.  Just a little one.  I thanked every single person that wished me a happy birthday personally because I figured if they could take time out of their day to say it, I could take time out of mine to thank them.  I felt good doing that.  Just to acknowledge that I know they remembered me on my day.


I still love my family.  I always will.  There are some that I have much more respect for than others but I still love them.  But I no longer like most of them.  I don't like being talked about and moreso I don't like being lied about.  


I guess what my biggest problem is, is that I feel alone.  Abandoned.  I can't even say that I don't have anything to be sorry for, because no one has told me ... came to me ... and talked to me about anything.


I know what the truth is.  I know firsthand what has happened in my life, so I guess the best person to get that answer from would be me.  


So tonight I am praying and hoping that He will show me what my next adventure should be for my family.  For the four of us... because no one else matters anymore.  Not on his side. Not on my side. What keeps us here?  Phone calls to party? Phone calls to come and fix things?  No one calls just to say hey.  No one calls just to see how everyone is doing ... in fact no one even asks when we see them.  So what has this done?  It has pushed us away ... perhaps 9 hours away.  But who knows.  Who knows what He tells us do.


I have everything I need and everyone I want right here with me ... in my home.  I thought I had more once. I guess I'm just more sorry that I have been wrote off in some people's lives for no reason ... and kept at an arms length by others for no reason.  


But it is what it is right? Thats life.  Just take it and roll with it.  

Its been a little while since my last post.  I think my blogs are therapeutic ... for me at least so when I don't blog its a good thing.  Brian is working nights right now.  I'm proud of him.  He has overcome a lot of things and he is proving that his statement to me that he just wants to take care of us and the kids is a sincere one.  Not that I don't think he's sincere, I KNOW he wants to take care of us just like I know that he loves all of us but saying it and doing it are two very different things.  We were supposed to have been married already.  April 28 came and went.  It was a bit chilly that day and I thought that it was a good thing because we were supposed to get married outside.  Getting married is definitely an expense, but we can do it inexpensively.  Try to at least.  But I told him that I can't marry him until he has a steady job, health insurance and bills are caught up.  The first two things are just part of life and you need to accomplish those things before you're supposed to go to the next step.  Not everyone does. I understand this and I don't judge.  But I'm at a point in my life where all my ducks have to be in a row before I can make those kinds of decisions.  He is doing great though and I really can't wait to be his wife.  Always and forever.

Working nights though is a definite adjustment for everyone involved.  He loses a lot of sleep, the kids have to be quiet when they're not used to being aware of how loud one can sound when running across the floor, cleaning can only be done in increments ... thats when its done at least.  He does a lot around here, well he did. I have a very bad back and can't do much of anything unless I take constant breaks.  It will get done, but what you can do in 20 minutes will take me about 2 hours.  I manage though and I try very hard.  The kids do some things if I get on them, but I hate the conflict when I try to explain to them that we want our house to look nice and chores are part of being a family unit I just get looked at like I just spoke Chinese.  So I just do it.  Without Brian's help its a lot more to do.  I'm feeling it lately.

Brian and I were used to being together all the time.  No matter where we went, we went together.  When I'm not with him people ask where he is and tell me how different I look without my shadow lol ... we truly love each other's company, so sorry if you don't like your significant other as much as I do.  I hate that when I get home from work he's sleeping and then I just want to talk about my day .. I hate that when he gets home from work I kiss him real quick and then leave for work.  I love that we still get to have dinner as a family .. I love that I get some down time and time for studying.  But its still an adjustment.

Change can be good but I'm still trying to figure out if this change is or not.

I don't think its effecting him the way that it effects me.  I miss him crazy when he's gone but when he's home he's either sleeping or playing with his guitar or out in the shed.  I lay with him when he is sleeping just to lay there for a few ... I want to spend as much time together as we can.  Not every waking moment, I get that he needs time for himself and his family, but it just seems that I'm not as interesting I guess.  I'll chalk it up to his lack of sleep.

I'll figure it out.  We'll figure it out.  Things will be okay and we will go on and be madly in love with each other like we always have been.  Just an adjustment period... thats all

Too young to go

Are we ever ready for our kids to leave? To move out and be on their own? I know that I personally have said so many times, can't wait until they're grown and move out.  I mean we raise them and teach them to do right and make good decisions but when that day comes ... when they're a "grown up" and they're ready, are you?

I'm not.  Not even a little.  I guess one might say that I am obsessed with my children.  I want to be home with them whenever they're home, my youngest is 12 and I still do anything and everything for him when he asks.  I want to do these things ... I don't want to let go.  How do you let go? I mean he's my baby.  He's what I have ... the last one to take care of I guess.

So my oldest turns 18 and she leaves.  Just leaves.  I take this kind of personally.  She is my everything.  They're all my everything and now I've lost part of my little group ... my little family.  I'm one down and it hurts so bad.  It tears me up inside. I know I've done good with her .... I know that I've taught her everything that I can teach her but I still don't feel that she's ready to do it herself.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I will be surprised and she will do many more things that I didn't think she would be able to do at a young age.  I hope I am.  But it still will never settle my heart that she left me too soon.

I pride myself on worrying about my kids and I have busted my tush to make sure that they're taken care of.  I've stuck up for them when I needed to ... cuddled them when they needed cuddled and probably when they didn't ... took care of them when they're sick ... and now I only have to do that for two of them.

How am I supposed to protect her? How am I supposed to make sure she's okay when she's not here?  I can't make her listen to me ... I can't make her do anything ... but I just want to do things for her still.  I want to be her mom and I want her to depend on me .... still.  And I know that she will and I know that I will always be her mom but its not the same when I can't look in her room say goodnight.

She told me that it sometimes took me forever to do things for her and I have to agree.  It did take me some time.  Maybe I would forget to make that dr's appt., or maybe I didn't have the gas to take her to a friends but it didn't mean that I was neglecting her and it didn't mean that it didn't get done.  I am only one person and up until recently I didn't have a partner in life so I was on my own to do it all myself.  I know that she is only a child and doesn't understand that and that's okay, I forgive her.  But it still hurts.

I'm just not ready to let go.  I'm not ready to parent only two children.  I want to be in the background aggravating her and making sure that everything is okay and that she is okay.

I know that I can still be her cheerleader and I will.   I am just having a hard time cheering her on when I feel that her decisions aren't the right ones.  But she has to fall ... we all have to at some time.  She's just too young to fall.

Its only been a month and I miss her.  I don't want to have lunch, I want to kiss her little cheek good night and tell her its time to start getting ready for bed.  I want to have her here to watch a movie with or to shout from room to room when a football game is on.

I want her home.  I'm not ready and I won't wish this on my other two.  I won't count down to when they're old enough to leave because they might be old enough but it doesn't mean that they're ready.  I just want her home where she belongs.  Where she should be.  I miss her so much.

I hope and pray that she will make good decisions and that her future will be as bright as she is.  I hope for nothing but great things for her and I hope that one day she will see why I made decisions that I have made.  I hope that she will one day see that it wasn't the control I wanted ... it was because I love her so much it was hard to let go.