On to new things ... oh boy

This blog was supposed to be about the struggles that I have as a single mother and it kind of turned into my struggle with a teenage daughter.  Which I guess kind of goes with being a single mom and not because of my status but because I feel kind of alone at times when I am struggling with her.  Brian is great but he is not "there" yet.  He struggles as to what he should do and honestly I'm not sure how that would go with the kids.  Eventually it will be there because ... well he's another adult in the house ... and he should be respected as well.  And not that he will be the discipline in the home or things like that, but he shouldn't have to put up with it either. 

But today I am writing because I am in hopes that we are on a good path.  It hasn't started yet (the good part) but I'm hoping to realistically be there soon. Its going to require a lot of patience on my end and I am praying for it.  REALLY praying for it. 

Alyssa and I are going to counseling and I think the counselor is great and he makes a whole lot of sense and I think a lot of parents would be against what he says for that matter but I am pretty open-minded and I agree with most of what he says.  Out of control children are the product of their parents.  Basically we let her get away with so much that she has taken over.  And not get away with breaking the rules or things like that but being argumentative and yelling, etc.  She was diagnosed with bipolar and although I NEVER let her use that as a crutch for her behavior ... I think I did it sub-consciously.  When she would have tantrums or her screaming fits they were ignored because ... well she was sick.  And that basically gave her permission to do it.  When she would yell and scream and I lost my patience, I would yell back and she would mimick my actions.  Because as a parent we are role models.  And if I am modeling my behavior by yelling and screaming at a situation then that is what she is learning and that is what she is being taught is the right way to do things.  Instead of ignoring her ... instead of yelling at her, I should've told her that her behavior was not acceptable.  I should have given her acceptable punishments.  I should've followed through on more things. 

I've never really believed in grounding a child.  I never believed in this punishment because really what is that teaching them.  No freedom.  But go into your room and play your games ... watch tv ... but you are grounded.  Yah. Not really doing much.  And taking those things away from them for two, three or whatever days ... well eventually the parent is getting punished.  An hour in their room without these things and come out and do what you're supposed to or go back ... that is feasible.  When we were in one of our counseling sessions, the counselor said this to us.  You do what what you're supposed to do or go to your room for an hour.  After the hour you follow the rules ... if you don't then you return to your room ... and it goes on and on.  The counselor says "who is going to give up" and Alyssa laughed and said "mom".  Great.  Completely called me out on it and I didn't even realize it.  Well I kind of did but she knew it and thats not a good thing.  I always thought I followed through on my punishments.  But I give up too quickly.  Following through doesn't count if you do it half ass.  Go to your room for an hour doesn't mean after 20 minutes come out and let the dogs out for me.  It doesn't mean come out to eat your dinner. It means an hour.  But I never thought of it this way.

So we have started.  I'm still not too great at this.  Its early though.  I told her one night to clean the living room and she went to bed instead.  Normally I would just throw my hands up and say whatever and do it myself. This time though I woke her up and made her do it.  I watched her and she thought she was done several times but I pointed more out to her to do.  Thats the next step.  Writing it all down.  Leaving nothing unsaid so they can't come back and say "I didnt know".  And I mean details.  I have three tables in the living room and they're all listed individually and what to do to each one.  The list is long and probably overwhelming, but it looks worst than it really is.  We'll see what happens when she uses it.  The other thing is when they say they're done with their chores.  I just say "ok".  Again. This is known which .. again .. is not a good thing.  So they say they're done, they know I'm not checking, they get to do what they want and guess what? I'm left with finishing it because they're gone.  I've said ok.  *SIGH* ... so I have to get off my lazy butt and check.  This only ensures that they follow through with things.  Which is teaching them a lot more than cleaning house. I know this will only help develop things for their future in many other aspects of their lives.

So these few things sound pretty simple.  It hasn't been though.  The counselor said that it will only get worst before it gets any better.  She will retaliate more and she will be even more defiant.  I cant wait.  So next week is when all of these things start.  Where I will become more involved in everything that they do.  Not that I havent been ... but playing games and watching tv with the kids doesn't really constitute being a parent.  I am a good mom.  I'm really doing the best that I possibly can do.  I cook, I clean, I provide, I hug, I kiss, I mend fever and coughs, I help with homework, I talk to other parents, I talk to their friends, I do the things that I know that I am supposed to do.  I just need to do more to make sure they're okay when they leave me.

Now you see I keep referring to all of my children.  I have only one defiant child.  But when it comes to chores, when it comes to grounding, when it comes to punishments ... I treat them all the same.  Half-ass.  So I am going to put 100% into this and make sure that they are everything that I want them to be ... everything that I know they can be and a good part of society.  This is just the first step.  There are more.  But only baby steps.  Too much at once will only constitute more chaos.

So I am going to blog as much as I can about my experiences about this journey that I am about to take ... and I will learn as much as they do.  This will be good ... for all of us. 

You're not my Dad!!

No. He's not your dad.  And I knew that I would hear this eventually.  I wasn't sure when it was going to come up but it has.  I think I felt a little bad for Brian when this was said, although he knows his place in our home and he knows he is not "dad".  But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about them.  He reminds them of the things their supposed to do ... we butt heads quite a bit because he feels that I baby them...  He takes them to the store with him or has them help with yard work or he talks to them and gives the best advice that he can (except girl stuff, he doesn't touch girl stuff).  This doesn't make him dad .. it makes him an adult in the house that they have to respect.  In return, they get respect back.  All in all my kids and Brian have a wonderful relationship.  I don't know if they know what kind of relationship they have with him just yet and I'm not sure he knows either .. but its a good one nonetheless.  The thing is, is that Brian gives my kids more respect and looks over them more than their dad ever did.  I'm not saying that their dad isn't a good dad ... I think he might have come around a bit with them, but he just wants them busy and to leave him alone.  Brian wants them to do things either with him or not ... he just wants them occupied to fulfill their minds.  Brian isn't their dad though.  Their dad is a drunk.  Their dad is emotionally abusive.  Their dad sees them only four times a month.  Their dad is the "cool" one who gets to have lots of cookouts and buy presents for them when he wants.  Their dad is less than a part-time parent.  I hope Brian is proud that he not their dad ... he's much better.

Is it terrible to even think of hating one of your own ...

I never in a million years ever thought that I could hate my own child.  I still don't think I hate her, I love her so much but I am just drained.   I am drained emotionally, physically and mentally ... but this is what she thrives on.  She wants me to be drained so that I give up and just give in.  I try to be a little lenient but then I try to be strict because it is MY job to make sure my children succeed and do well in life.  I can only do so much but I am taking the job description pretty serious.  She wants so many positive things for her future and they all are pretty realistic but the things that she does now is leading her on the wrong path ... I try to tell her this.  And those who know me, know that I don't sugar coat much but she doesn't get it.  I have drug tested her (and no she didn't pass) but she didn't care.  She passes the buck on to anyone else around her but yet we all know that she is the one responsible.  She can be holding something that she stole but yet look you dead in the eye and tell you that she didn't do it and she just doesn't know who did.  She will even carry on for another hour or so just WONDERING who in the world took that!  "Mom, if I'm getting blamed for something that I didn't do, I want to know who did" ... then about 2 hours later she admits to her wrongdoing.  I have tried everything.  I have tried every single form of punishment there was.  You name it and I have done it.  I have whooped her, I have grounded her, I have made her do extra chores, I have taken her door from her hinges, I have given her earlier curfews ... I have nothing left in me.  She doesnt want to be at home although she says she does.  I had to file unruliness charges against her but she doesn't care about that either.  We're waiting on a court date and I am honestly hoping that she goes to juvi.  Just to show her a lesson because none of mine work.  I have read books ... I have read internet site ... I have done all that I can possibly do ... and if someones says well you're not doing this, then I will!!! ... I have listened to sermons .. I have prayed to God ... I have just collapsed in exhaustion onto my bed hoping that someone would just come and whisk me away to get rid of the noise.  I just want her to be okay .. I want her to be a teenager but not a reckless one ... I have three children and two of them I know will succeed ... this one I am scared for.  I am very scared for.

Time is supposed to heal ....

They say when you lose a loved one that time heals the pain.  I'm not sure that is so.  I think time helps the depression perhaps go away but its still the little things that make me remember and miss my Poppy more than words could possibly say.  The day he passed and my birthday are two days that I have trouble with.  I'm not even sure why my birthday but its when his passing really hits me.  I think especially since my grandma had a stroke its been worst for me ... and wishing he was here to protect her and make sure she is okay every day.  I know that all her kids care for her, but I also think they are upsetting her the most.  I miss him for her and it hurts me to know how much she misses him as well.  Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be ... but it hurt a lot because of the life changes that I am going through and hes not hear to guide me to give me advice or just to watch in approval.  I want to share things with him and hear his response and I'm unable to do that.  I miss him terribly.  I love him so much and although I have always said that I don't live with regret I wish I would've told him more how much I loved him.

It gets harder and harder ...

I have always wanted a great relationship with my daughters.  I had always envisioned us sitting around and talking about this that or the other and how they would come to me about everything.  Thats now how it happened though.  It took a little while for my oldest to come around.  Her and I have a pretty great relationship and she is really awesome.  I am so very proud of her.  My son even comes to me and talks to me about everything and he is absolutely amazing.  My middle daughter however ... well I don't even know what to say about her.  I love her.  I love her with all my heart but she is making terrible choices in life and she doesnt want to listen to me or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I wonder if I hate her.  I know that she is my own blood and how could I possibly hate her but sometimes I wonder.  She is so mean to me.  She is rude and she causes such an uproar in the house.  She has no filter on her mouth no matter where we're at and at times its embarrassing because I'm just not sure what to do with her.  I've done everything.  I'm truly by every definition of the word exhausted.  I don't even know what to write today except that I just want what is best for her and I hope she gets a million gold roses in life ... but she needs to earn them and shes not going down that path.  shes not earning much of anything.

Me vs. Her

I have struggled for so long now with Alyssa.  I don't know what to do with her anymore.  I have grounded her, I have added extra chores, I have prohibited her from seeing friends, talking on the phone, taken away her phone and her computer, blocked access to any internet that she could possibly get a hold of but yet ... she still defies me.  I have to lock up Brittney's clothes so that she doesn't wear them.  I have to hide money and cigarettes so she doesn't steal them.  I have to have my son lock his door at night so she can't intimidate him into letting her on the computer.  I am at the end of my rope and just don't know anymore.  Last night she didn't want to come home ... we kept going back and forth with each other through text because she wouldn't answer the phone.  I ended up having to call the police.  I had no other option.  It hurt me but what else is there left for me to do.  I ended up pressing charges against her and now we will have to go to court so they can decide what to do with her.  Brian said that they will probably ask me what I want done.  I don't even know anymore.  I feel bad but at the same time maybe this is what she needs.  I'm just kinda lost.  I love my children so much and try to do what I can for them ... but I can't help them if they don't let me.

I wonder sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I am over the top like some seem to say.  That maybe I overreact just a bit.  This kinda boggles my mind though because I am pretty aware of who I am.  Whether its a good thing or not, I at least know what people might dislike about me and what they might like about me.  I am pretty comfortable with myself though and don't really intend to change.

I've been excited about my upcoming wedding.  Not that we can afford all the bells and whistles, but its still going to be a fairytale.  I was talking to one of my brothers and well he just didn't seem interested.  I told him that if I could afford it that I would get married next month.  He told me to just wait and get to know Brian better.  I wasn't really serious. I dont think.  It was kind of a hypothetical statement I guess.  Brian is a great guy, there is no doubt about that.  Brian has a past though.  Although his past doesn't effect me OR my kids I'm okay with it.  We've all done stupid shit in our younger days, unfortunately his kinda follows him.  So it is what it is.  He is perfect in my eyes and treats me great.  Except when he's "grumpy".  Now grumpy to me means any kind of anger ... I use grumpy because it just sounds nicer.  Brian works hard and he is tired.  I completely understand that, but when hes overtired he says things that just aren't nice.  I have a past and unfortunately my past doesn't follow me, it just haunts me.  So when Brian says things to me that I take personal out of anger it upsets me greatly.  I told him last night (after a grumpy moment) that maybe it was best if we put the wedding off.  I explained to him it was merely because I've seen sides of him lately that I don't like and it makes me not sure if I want to "deal" with that for the rest of my life.  Now I am a bitch.  I know that I am.  I get constant mood swings as part of my bipolar disorder.  I recognize it for the most part but there are times when I am just crazy pissed off for no apparent reason.  I yell and I'm irritable but I NEVER say things that would hurt someone's feelings.  Its just not me. 

So this is why I wonder if I overreact.  Because of my past, my bitterness and my own issues do I do this to push away? Do I do it because it sincerely upsets me? Do I do it to get a nicer reaction?  I'm not quite sure why I do it.  I need to figure it out though because I love him so much and I don't want to be the person that is jsut "put up with" ... I want everything to be as perfect as he is in my eyes.  Everything.  Including how I react to things. 

Something to chew on I guess.