You're not my Dad!!

No. He's not your dad.  And I knew that I would hear this eventually.  I wasn't sure when it was going to come up but it has.  I think I felt a little bad for Brian when this was said, although he knows his place in our home and he knows he is not "dad".  But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about them.  He reminds them of the things their supposed to do ... we butt heads quite a bit because he feels that I baby them...  He takes them to the store with him or has them help with yard work or he talks to them and gives the best advice that he can (except girl stuff, he doesn't touch girl stuff).  This doesn't make him dad .. it makes him an adult in the house that they have to respect.  In return, they get respect back.  All in all my kids and Brian have a wonderful relationship.  I don't know if they know what kind of relationship they have with him just yet and I'm not sure he knows either .. but its a good one nonetheless.  The thing is, is that Brian gives my kids more respect and looks over them more than their dad ever did.  I'm not saying that their dad isn't a good dad ... I think he might have come around a bit with them, but he just wants them busy and to leave him alone.  Brian wants them to do things either with him or not ... he just wants them occupied to fulfill their minds.  Brian isn't their dad though.  Their dad is a drunk.  Their dad is emotionally abusive.  Their dad sees them only four times a month.  Their dad is the "cool" one who gets to have lots of cookouts and buy presents for them when he wants.  Their dad is less than a part-time parent.  I hope Brian is proud that he not their dad ... he's much better.

Is it terrible to even think of hating one of your own ...

I never in a million years ever thought that I could hate my own child.  I still don't think I hate her, I love her so much but I am just drained.   I am drained emotionally, physically and mentally ... but this is what she thrives on.  She wants me to be drained so that I give up and just give in.  I try to be a little lenient but then I try to be strict because it is MY job to make sure my children succeed and do well in life.  I can only do so much but I am taking the job description pretty serious.  She wants so many positive things for her future and they all are pretty realistic but the things that she does now is leading her on the wrong path ... I try to tell her this.  And those who know me, know that I don't sugar coat much but she doesn't get it.  I have drug tested her (and no she didn't pass) but she didn't care.  She passes the buck on to anyone else around her but yet we all know that she is the one responsible.  She can be holding something that she stole but yet look you dead in the eye and tell you that she didn't do it and she just doesn't know who did.  She will even carry on for another hour or so just WONDERING who in the world took that!  "Mom, if I'm getting blamed for something that I didn't do, I want to know who did" ... then about 2 hours later she admits to her wrongdoing.  I have tried everything.  I have tried every single form of punishment there was.  You name it and I have done it.  I have whooped her, I have grounded her, I have made her do extra chores, I have taken her door from her hinges, I have given her earlier curfews ... I have nothing left in me.  She doesnt want to be at home although she says she does.  I had to file unruliness charges against her but she doesn't care about that either.  We're waiting on a court date and I am honestly hoping that she goes to juvi.  Just to show her a lesson because none of mine work.  I have read books ... I have read internet site ... I have done all that I can possibly do ... and if someones says well you're not doing this, then I will!!! ... I have listened to sermons .. I have prayed to God ... I have just collapsed in exhaustion onto my bed hoping that someone would just come and whisk me away to get rid of the noise.  I just want her to be okay .. I want her to be a teenager but not a reckless one ... I have three children and two of them I know will succeed ... this one I am scared for.  I am very scared for.

Time is supposed to heal ....

They say when you lose a loved one that time heals the pain.  I'm not sure that is so.  I think time helps the depression perhaps go away but its still the little things that make me remember and miss my Poppy more than words could possibly say.  The day he passed and my birthday are two days that I have trouble with.  I'm not even sure why my birthday but its when his passing really hits me.  I think especially since my grandma had a stroke its been worst for me ... and wishing he was here to protect her and make sure she is okay every day.  I know that all her kids care for her, but I also think they are upsetting her the most.  I miss him for her and it hurts me to know how much she misses him as well.  Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be ... but it hurt a lot because of the life changes that I am going through and hes not hear to guide me to give me advice or just to watch in approval.  I want to share things with him and hear his response and I'm unable to do that.  I miss him terribly.  I love him so much and although I have always said that I don't live with regret I wish I would've told him more how much I loved him.

It gets harder and harder ...

I have always wanted a great relationship with my daughters.  I had always envisioned us sitting around and talking about this that or the other and how they would come to me about everything.  Thats now how it happened though.  It took a little while for my oldest to come around.  Her and I have a pretty great relationship and she is really awesome.  I am so very proud of her.  My son even comes to me and talks to me about everything and he is absolutely amazing.  My middle daughter however ... well I don't even know what to say about her.  I love her.  I love her with all my heart but she is making terrible choices in life and she doesnt want to listen to me or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I wonder if I hate her.  I know that she is my own blood and how could I possibly hate her but sometimes I wonder.  She is so mean to me.  She is rude and she causes such an uproar in the house.  She has no filter on her mouth no matter where we're at and at times its embarrassing because I'm just not sure what to do with her.  I've done everything.  I'm truly by every definition of the word exhausted.  I don't even know what to write today except that I just want what is best for her and I hope she gets a million gold roses in life ... but she needs to earn them and shes not going down that path.  shes not earning much of anything.

Me vs. Her

I have struggled for so long now with Alyssa.  I don't know what to do with her anymore.  I have grounded her, I have added extra chores, I have prohibited her from seeing friends, talking on the phone, taken away her phone and her computer, blocked access to any internet that she could possibly get a hold of but yet ... she still defies me.  I have to lock up Brittney's clothes so that she doesn't wear them.  I have to hide money and cigarettes so she doesn't steal them.  I have to have my son lock his door at night so she can't intimidate him into letting her on the computer.  I am at the end of my rope and just don't know anymore.  Last night she didn't want to come home ... we kept going back and forth with each other through text because she wouldn't answer the phone.  I ended up having to call the police.  I had no other option.  It hurt me but what else is there left for me to do.  I ended up pressing charges against her and now we will have to go to court so they can decide what to do with her.  Brian said that they will probably ask me what I want done.  I don't even know anymore.  I feel bad but at the same time maybe this is what she needs.  I'm just kinda lost.  I love my children so much and try to do what I can for them ... but I can't help them if they don't let me.

I wonder sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I am over the top like some seem to say.  That maybe I overreact just a bit.  This kinda boggles my mind though because I am pretty aware of who I am.  Whether its a good thing or not, I at least know what people might dislike about me and what they might like about me.  I am pretty comfortable with myself though and don't really intend to change.

I've been excited about my upcoming wedding.  Not that we can afford all the bells and whistles, but its still going to be a fairytale.  I was talking to one of my brothers and well he just didn't seem interested.  I told him that if I could afford it that I would get married next month.  He told me to just wait and get to know Brian better.  I wasn't really serious. I dont think.  It was kind of a hypothetical statement I guess.  Brian is a great guy, there is no doubt about that.  Brian has a past though.  Although his past doesn't effect me OR my kids I'm okay with it.  We've all done stupid shit in our younger days, unfortunately his kinda follows him.  So it is what it is.  He is perfect in my eyes and treats me great.  Except when he's "grumpy".  Now grumpy to me means any kind of anger ... I use grumpy because it just sounds nicer.  Brian works hard and he is tired.  I completely understand that, but when hes overtired he says things that just aren't nice.  I have a past and unfortunately my past doesn't follow me, it just haunts me.  So when Brian says things to me that I take personal out of anger it upsets me greatly.  I told him last night (after a grumpy moment) that maybe it was best if we put the wedding off.  I explained to him it was merely because I've seen sides of him lately that I don't like and it makes me not sure if I want to "deal" with that for the rest of my life.  Now I am a bitch.  I know that I am.  I get constant mood swings as part of my bipolar disorder.  I recognize it for the most part but there are times when I am just crazy pissed off for no apparent reason.  I yell and I'm irritable but I NEVER say things that would hurt someone's feelings.  Its just not me. 

So this is why I wonder if I overreact.  Because of my past, my bitterness and my own issues do I do this to push away? Do I do it because it sincerely upsets me? Do I do it to get a nicer reaction?  I'm not quite sure why I do it.  I need to figure it out though because I love him so much and I don't want to be the person that is jsut "put up with" ... I want everything to be as perfect as he is in my eyes.  Everything.  Including how I react to things. 

Something to chew on I guess.

I came on here not sure what I was going to write about today.  Not that I write daily to begin with.  The one thing that keeps coming to my mind though is my sister.  She is having a tough time right now with her son.  He is mentally challenged.  Not as in mental retardation but a mental disorder.  He went into a manic rage the other day and physically threatened her as well as my daughter.  What disturbed me most about this was that my sister just came home from the hospital after having neck surgery.  As I told her, that I, of all people, understand.  I go through something like this almost daily with Alyssa.  The thing is ... is that I try EVERYTHING to control her.  In my opinion, so anyone can take it for what it is, he lacks discipline.  She might think that she punishes him by "beating his ass" but it doesnt do any good even for a child that doesnt have mental problems.  She takes nothing away from him for bad behavior, bad grades or a sassy mouth ... so if nothing gets taken why should he stop?  I'm not even saying that he would stop, but it hasnt been tried either.  He has his license.  That is a privilege. But I dont think he knows what privileges are because everything he has was given to him and nothing earned.  Its almost sad.  I cant say its entirely her fault ... I think she gets so aggravated at times that she just gives in to what seems to be the easiest but I dont think she has yet realized how hard it is to have a child that has an illness.  For that I am sad for her and for him.  I can only hope and pray that he gets the help that he needs and that she gets help along the way to guide her to be the best parent she can ... because although he is almost 17, she will always be his mom and parenting never stops.  I love my sister and only want the best for her.  But I'm scared for her too.