*sigh*

I am not perfect. I have never thought of myself as perfect. I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make them ... hopefully not the same ones but I will still make mistakes.  I have three great children.  One of them happen to be a bit more of a handful than I ever thought could be possible, but then when do parents sit and tell you about their children's faults? I always want to brag about my kids ... even the troublemaker, I do not want to ever tell you or anyone that there are some days I just want to give up and other days that I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  I have prayed. I have read books. I have gone to counseling. I have joined sites on the internet for support. But yet, I continue to struggle with her and the worst that it gets the more that I feel I have failed.  Not as a parent but her.  I feel that I have failed her.  Life is tough. We all know it and I know that she has had plenty to deal with .. the thing I guess is, is that everyone deals with things differently.  She doesn't do so well.  Sometimes I wonder if I had a stronger hand growing up if I would've been like her.  I was coddled, spoiled and my mistakes were always kinda grazed over and instead of learning from them I was kinda taught to forget them.  My grandmother is a great person and as I have said before she is my best friend, but confrontation is something that she doesn't do.  If she feels you are doing wrong or disagrees with you she doesn't tend to express it.  She might tell someone else, but she doesn't ever tell you.  So maybe I'm missing something.  Maybe something was wrong as I grew up that I needed to learn and I didn't ... maybe that is why I am a failure for my daughter.  Maybe its because growing up I had it all and didn't know struggle and didn't know broken families.  I don't know.  I don't know what she is dealing with.  I wish I did.  I wish I knew so that maybe I could help her more than I am.  I wish I could take away all of her hurt and the voices in her head and the struggle that she has.  I really do, but I can't.  And I can't fix it either and that is probably the worst part.  I AM HER MOTHER! I am supposed to fix everything.  I am supposed to make everything better and put a band aid on, sing a song and she is supposed to be okay and that is not what is happening.  Its not what is happening and I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do about it. NO IDEA. I am lost and broken all at once and not because of what I have to deal with, but because I don't know what to do for her.

never giving up

One day I'll figure it out. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I will. One thing I know is that I wont give up. I wont give up on her, not now, not ever.  I feel for her. I can't really imagine what she is going through but then I kinda feel for me because of what she is putting me through. Putting me and my family through. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I want to fix this. I want everything to just be okay and go on with our days without something new coming up, but that's just not going to happen.  I've done this for so long with her I thought that I would have this down pat by now but yet I feel like I'm not even close.

When its come to her I've always felt alone.  I always felt that I was the only one that could really understand her but then there's more days than not that I'm like what the heck is she doing and why?  I always question what I have done to make her hate me ... what I have done to make her make so many cruel things up about me, but I know its not me.  I'm a good mom.  I know that I am.  When I was married I was supposed to have a partner in this. I was supposed to have someone to turn to on my dark days when I was trying to be strong for her.  Because wow is it hard to be strong for her ... but then one day he told me that he couldn't do it with her anymore and that I was on my own.  Of course it upset me and I was like how can her own dad just give up on her?  And then it was like dominoes.  Everyone started giving up on her.  No one wanted her around, she was blamed for everything, she was banned from people's homes ... but I stood beside her.  She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally ... I will be there to catch her when she falls.  I might let her scrape her knees a few times so she will learn but I will never leave her ... I will never give up on her like so many have.

I realize that she brings this on herself, I know that she needs more than most teens her age.  I'm trying but its a long road and I'm so scared that I'm going to run out of time.  

So she runs away.  I shut down.  Where is my daughter? I miss her .. I am worried .. I just want her home.  She has huge consequences that she has to face but I am still there, right next to her.  My rock was my husband, her step dad.  But now ... now he has given up on her too.  So again, I feel alone.

I don't and won't ever justify her actions and she will always pay the price .. but she is my daughter and I will always love her and I will continue to show her the right way and just hope and just pray that she will follow the right path.

I hope she realizes how much I love her and how deep my love for her really is.  I hope that she knows that my hand is always here for her to hold and that if she wants to lay with me and cuddle and cry that its okay and I'll be there for that too.  I tell her.  She is too big for that though.

I guess its just me and her against the world.  That's okay.  I'll figure this out.  I will be strong for her.  She will be a wonderful woman and be successful ... but I just wonder who is going to be strong for me.  On the outside I can conquer and do anything but behind closed doors I am nothing but a mess.  And when the going gets tough as it will ... I will do everything I possibly can for her and I will be her backbone if she needs me to be and I will teach her the lessons that she needs to be taught and then I will be there to hug her when she feels the guilt and remorse.  But when I am done consoling her and she has that beautiful smile on her face, who is going to help me put my pieces back together ... 

I'm so sorry that everyone has given up on her ... I'm not sure that I blame them although I don't understand how you would do that to someone that you love.  Alyssa is such a great person, she really is.  She has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in one person, the smile that will make you want to talk to her, beauty that is stunning and a personality that makes you smile and that's the Alyssa that I'm going to make sure everyone knows. That's the Alyssa that I know everyone loves.  The other part of her is the one that we're going to work on.  She is troubled. She needs me.  But I still love her even when shes troubled ... I will never give up on her and shame on those that have because eventually she will be okay and I will be proud of her and she will should be proud of herself.  

Lord watch over my daughter and take her fears away, calm her thoughts and let her know how much she is loved.  I know that You are perfect Lord and that You will help us get through anything.  Show Yourself into Alyssa's heart and show her how wonderful Your love is.  Amen.

I like to control things and it's not because I want to, it's because it's what I've always been expected to do.  I want people to tell me for once how things are going to go believe it or not, but because I have always been in control for so long it's hard to let go of that role.  After so long it defines you and to let go of that is a bit scary because then what role do I play in people's lives.  The controlling is as little as deciding what we're going to have for dinner to as big as what bills will be paid from what paycheck ... its not great to have everything on your shoulders and then those people resent you for having all the control but yet they want to take none on themselves.

I am a very anxious person and anything that is out of my element or comfort zone is a big deal to me, so letting go of any kind of control is huge.  I want it but it causes a great deal of anxiety.  I need to know that its all going smooth and if I don't do it or I'm not the one that's in the forefront, how do I know that's its getting done the way that it's supposed to.  Not necessary "my" way ... but in a successful way.

This past week I let go of the grocery shopping for the first time in almost 20 years.  I am still getting anxiety from it.  I think that the money was overspent and that it could've been done in a more economical way.  I looked at the receipt and everything that was on there we needed, and we haven't had to go to the grocery store to buy anything for dinners because well he achieved that.  He bought things we needed for the cupboards and things for dinner but because I didn't do it I am still anxious over it.  I even made the grocery list so I had something to do with it.  Although he did go off of the list a little, he still did a great job.  But I'm not sure I can do it again.

The thing is, is that I need to let this go and I'm not sure how.  I'm always saying that I need more off of my plate but when the slack is picked up I freak out.  I don't know if I need the chaos or if I'm just so used to it that I don't know what to do without it.

Something I need to ponder I suppose.  Something to bring up to the counselor.

He thinks that I am trying to control him.  Trying to run his life. That's not what its about though, I just don't think that his decisions are thought through and I don't believe that I should be put on the back burner when it comes to deciding if he should be with me or a friend.  That is not being controlling .... I don't think.

How do you stand back and let people make bad decisions when they're your husband or your're children or just simply people that you love?  How do you do that and especially when ultimately those decisions can effect you and/or your family?  I can't.  I'm supposed to because .... well there's some things you can't control no matter how hard you try.